 Black Parade (**) |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse  |
 Oct 21 13, 19:42
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#1
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 Babylonian  Posts: 69 Joined: 24-February 05 From: Houma, LA Member No.: 101 Real Name: Leigh Ann Writer of: Poetry  |
Literally barely formed and stuck in my head until I was forced to write it down, I still don't know quite what to make of this
And so they left, to join the revelers as part of the black parade. Second line stepping their way through all nine circles. From one room to another they steadily descend into the hell they created |
  
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Oct 22 13, 07:27
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#2
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 Egyptian Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry |
I like this one although I am not sure of what the second stanza means. But I do love parades, and they do seem a bit like hell to me too.
Sergio ·······  ······· |
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Oct 22 13, 13:25
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#3
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Babylonian Posts: 69 Joined: 24-February 05 From: Houma, LA Member No.: 101 Real Name: Leigh Ann Writer of: Poetry |
Thanks, Sergio!! The second stanza refers to both a type of parade step common in New Orleans known as a second line step, and the nine circles refers to the 9 levels of Hell chronicled in Dante's Inferno
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Oct 22 13, 14:21
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#4
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Egyptian Posts: 327 Joined: 17-May 08 From: San Juan Puerto Rico Member No.: 508 Real Name: Sergio Ortiz Writer of: Poetry |
I thought it might be something like that. Thank you Leigh Ann, love this poem.
Sergio ······· ······· |
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Oct 22 13, 15:41
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#5
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Babylonian Posts: 69 Joined: 24-February 05 From: Houma, LA Member No.: 101 Real Name: Leigh Ann Writer of: Poetry |
Awesome :-) I'd love to hear from someone who doesn't like it...I think it needs work but am lost at this point
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Oct 22 13, 17:06
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#6
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
QUOTE (galoutofdixie @ Oct 22 13, 01:42 )  Literally barely formed and stuck in my head until I was forced to write it down, I still don't know quite what to make of this And so they left, to join the revelers as part of the black parade. Second line stepping their way through all nine circles. From one room to another they steadily descend into the hell they created Hi there - and welcome back! It's great to have you post here again! I don't know quite what to make of this either - but I like it very much. It has an air of mystery. I am puzzled by the nine circles in st2. I think a few more details might help. This certainly has potential - keep working on it! Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
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Oct 27 13, 01:56
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#7
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,869 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Leigh Ann, I find these lines intriguing. I always think of Dante's Inferno whenever 9 circles are mentioned, but still I think you should work on this poem.
IMHO, it needs something to stand on. Or hang from...LOL...As if it's incomplete. Thanks for the explanation about the second line stepping. I've been to New Orleans and loved it, so colourful. There was always some dancing or partying going on in the streets. Of course, that was before the natural disaster struck. It made me feel so sad. How're things now? I'm curious as to who "they" might be, the ones who created the hell. There surely must be a story behind this. I hope you come back, you can always post something else and leave this one simmering (or freezing, as in Dante's hell...), for a while. Cheers, Syl*** 
······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner      |
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Oct 27 13, 10:14
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#8
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Why hello Leigh Ann!
 I too, find the concept intriguing but the poem incomplete. I think perhaps you can build on the idea looming in your head - perhaps think of a specific character and something that happens to that person or object. Why is the title Black Parade? Maybe you can use the parade as the character from their POV? What are the nine circles? What is the Hell they are going to? Keep going - this is a great start! And so they left, to join the revelers as part of the black parade. Second line stepping their way through all nine circles. From one room to another they steadily descend into the hell they created Cheers, ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Oct 28 13, 09:58
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#9
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Babylonian Posts: 69 Joined: 24-February 05 From: Houma, LA Member No.: 101 Real Name: Leigh Ann Writer of: Poetry |
Thanks Cleo and Pysche...I agree, it needs something to stand on to help it become less abstract and more "real" thanks, gonna let this one sit and see what happens!!!!
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