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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ Bliss ***

Posted by: jeannefiedler Mar 20 14, 13:22

The birth of spring
a renaissance of new life
patterns beginning again
as intoxicating scents
of blossoms and greenery or
a soft tear of a raindrop on a petal

We slow down and let our relaxation
spin us around a little
carefree and innocent
childlike - we discover anew
the water adrift - our bodies serene
We are full of creativity
and dream of romance

Songs of the breeze
a white cottage where
our spirits reside
We relive this vibration
year after year
each time a fresh new outlook
where dew leaves its impression
on our minds
- a new start -
the beginning of a new adventure

Posted by: Maggie Mar 20 14, 15:24

Beautiful poem, Jeanne. Spring has been written about for eons, but your poem feels fresh and new.

Peggy/Maggie

Posted by: Maureen Apr 12 14, 19:55

Enjoyed the read of your lovely poem Jeanne - different side of the world and we are going into our Autumn now but Spring is always the time I like the best

Cheers

Maureen

Posted by: Eisa Apr 19 14, 14:02

Hi Jeanne, I love seasonal poems and as it is spring here in UK this one made me smile.

I feel you have a few too many 'the's' especially starting lines - especially in the first stanza. I have offered one alternative.

I also feel your poem could be divided quite nicely into a few shorter stanzas rather than one long one.

The birth of spring -
[the] a rennaisance of new life
[the pattern beginning] begins the pattern again
The intoxicating scent
of blossoms and greenery
the soft tear of a raindrop on a petal
Sp rennaissance

We slow down and let [our] relaxation
spin us aroun[g]d a little
carefree and innocent
childlike - we discover anew
the water adrift - our bodies serene
L1 perhaps delete 'our' - sp.. in L2

We are full of creativity
and dream of romance
the song of the breeze
the white cottage where
our spirits reside

We relive this vibration
year after year
each time a fresh new outlook
the dew leaves its impression
on our minds
- a new start -
the beginning of a new adventure

I think the last stanza is my favourite.
Snow

Posted by: jeannefiedler May 2 14, 05:22

I completed a new revision. Thanks for the critique Eisa.

Posted by: Arnfinn Aug 13 14, 07:32

I do not know what the fuss is about.

Spring has arrived.

And well identified.

I can only find praise for a well written, easy to read piece of poetry.

Regards,

John

Posted by: Psyche Aug 14 14, 23:40

Hi Jeanne,

This is a lovely, radiant poem about the coming of Spring.

We all seem to be in different latitudes. I'm in the middle of winter, though not a particularly snowy one. I loved the snow when it did fall! Hoping for some more, as it's far too mild now.

I think you've revised your poem very well. Eisa always gives good advice, I'm so glad she's dropped in again!

Congrats, Jeanne, bring on some more!

Sylvia***