Burlesque (slight revisions), Short Rondeau Options

[Larry]

Burlesque

She’d grown so tall and seemed matured
but gilded fingers hid her face
as though such coyness insured
that interest remain in place...
but as the bright sunlight revealed
sunflower rows that I had sown
with many others in a field;
she’d grown.



L4 did read "that interest would remain in place"
L5 did read "but as the bright spotlight revealed"

Thanks Daniel

[Ali zonak]

Larry;
a wonderful image you have created with your impeccable Short Rondeau. Those gilded fingers turned back over the sunflower's face are very visual to me. Much enjoyed. Btw, my wife painted a western boot among sunflowers, on canvas. Wish I could post it here. Ali

[JustDaniel]

Dear Larry...

I'm still puzzling over this one after several reads. The last half of the poem, from "but as..." seems to me an incomplete clause. Please help my understanding here, would you?

By the way, you're missing one beat in L3, and of course requires the reader to vocalize "int'rest" probably.

L5 reads better (meter-wise) as "... spotlight bright... though that inversion is stilted.

Just some thoughts about your usually flawless SR's, Daniel

[Larry]

Hi Ali,

Thanks for stopping by for a read. Hope you enjoyed it as much as I did creating it. You might try to upload a picture of your wife's painting and adjust it in size to see if you can post it on the site.

Hey Daniel,

L3 actually has 1 too many beats but I can fix that by removing "would" so it reads:

"that interest remain in place"

I slipped into a "suthun" mindset when writing and pronounced it "in-trest".

Now, for the clarification... I should have placed an ellipse or semi-colon after "field" in L7. I, with it seems a bit of trouble, was trying to segue from an anthropomorphic "stripper" on stage being coy to the actuality of a sunflower that was reticent about opening up due to that coyness or embarrassment.

I'll make the changes I outlined to see if it reads any better. Let me know if you have any ideas on the subject.

Thanks for the crits and the good eye in finding my errors.

Larry