On the Loss of a Horse Options

[Cyn]

On the Loss of a Horse

Today I will walk out when the air’s still cool and comb
your coarse dark hair, curry your coat
until you shine.

Today I will blanket your once strong back, and lead you
among tall trees and the smell of heating pine,
with the latent buzz of life just rising.

Today I will breathe your breath and you’ll breathe mine
and you will see my eyes are kind.

Tomorrow I will need the touch of velvet, nose to nose.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Cyn,

Not an easy thing to deal with when you love horses the way I sense you do. Just a few thoughts for you to ponder... use or lose as you see fit. *smiles*

Cathy

Today I will walk out when the air’s still cool and comb Why not line break after 'cool'?
your coarse dark hair, curry your coat Are 'curry' and 'comb' the same thing?
until you shine.

Today I will blanket your once strong back, and lead you
among tall trees[,] and the smell of heating pine,
with the latent buzz of life just rising.

Today I will breathe your breath[,] and you’ll breathe mine
and you will see my eyes are kind.

Tomorrow I will need the touch of velvet, nose to nose.

I get the sense that rather than to wait for nature you are taking matters into your own hands... tough decision though sometimes more humane. I suppose I'm way off the mark but that's the feeling I get from your words.

[Eisa]

Hi Cyn

This was a very moving poem -- I think about a sick horse that N is grooming and walking for the last time before she does the kindest thing you can ever do for the pet you love. I hope I'm not way off mark.

On the Loss of a Horse

Today I will walk out when the air’s still cool and comb
your coarse dark hair, curry your coat
until you shine.


I feel as this is written it sounds as though 'the air is cool and comb' and if you bring 'and comb onto the next line it would give that break to make perfect sense.

Today I will blanket your once strong back, [and] lead you
among tall trees and [the] smell of heating pine,
with the latent buzz of life just rising.

A very poignant line --' buzz of life just rising' if as i think this horse is soon to meet its end.

Today I will breathe your breath [and] while you[’ll] breathe mine
and you will see my eyes are kind.

'and you will see my eyes are kind.'
this brings a lump to my throat, thinking of the times I've had to do the kindest thing when my dogs have grown old and ill.

Tomorrow I will need the touch of velvet, nose to nose.

A very touching ending -- beautiful

This so reminds me of my friend and her dog, and the day she took him for a walk for the last time. A special time.

I feel you have used 'and' a few too many times, but this is overall well written and a subject most can identify with.

Snow

[Psyche]

Hi Cyn!
I can identify very much, indeed. I grew up on a farm and probably spent 3/4 of my childhood & adolescence on horses. In Patagonia, to be specific. There were always losses, sometimes death, but often some horses were just taken away to other places and I had no say in the matter...

I'll just see whether there's anything to crit... hope so!!!

On the Loss of a Horse

Today I will walk out when the air’s still cool and comb
maybe caress, pat, something like that?
your coarse dark hair, curry your coat
until you shine.

Today I will blanket your once strong back, and lead you
among tall trees, and the smell of heating pine,
with the latent buzz of life just rising. I love the contrast of "life just rising" with the theme of your poem, which is death of the horse. Poignant.

Today I will breathe your breath and you’ll breathe mine
and you will see my eyes are kind.

Tomorrow I will need the touch of velvet, nose to nose.

This finale is very soulful, Cyn. I can imagine the "need" of the day after, the longing.... so sad.

It's a beautiful poem, Cyn. I get the idea that the horse is going to be put down, maybe that very evening, and this is the goodbye walk.... Perhaps there are a few extra "ands", but I'm quite partial to them myself!! Sylvia Plath uses a lot of them, I just picked up "Ariel" and opened it at "The Night Dances", counted 7 "ands"!!!!

Anyway, it's a matter of one's personal style, everything's legit, right?
Hugs and thanks for the read,
Syl ***

[Cyn]

Cat, Snow, Syl

Thanks so much for your comments and suggestions here. They will go into the pot.

Yeah Syl, I do like my ands, they set up space, a pause and help rhythm in my opinion, but one CAN get carried away, eh?

Cyn

[JustDaniel]

Okay, Cyn...

I'm gettin out some curry, loosenin' my reins, saddlin' my chair... and headin' into the paddock to horse around some... but I's hopin' ya don' mind if'n I turns them corners a bit sharper 'n you do. Don' wan' the thing to git away from me, ya know!

On the Loss of a Horse

Today I will walk out when the air’s still cool[,]
and comb your coarse dark hair,
curry your coat
until you shine.

Today I will blanket your once[-]strong back,
and lead you among tall trees[,]
and the pungent sniff smell of heating pine,
with and that latent buzz of life just rising.

Today I will breathe your breath[;]
and you’ll breathe mine[...]
and you will see my eyes are kind.

Tomorrow I will need the touch of velvet,
nose to nose.

Well, I think I heard a dinner bell... or at least somethin' dung!

scootin' off Lightly, Daniel

P.S. This really IS a touching piece, Cyn! Your heart is showing.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Cyn.

So sorry for your loss (if this is mused from real life). Pets are family too and their departure is felt deeply too.

My ideas are in the line breaks as you'll see below in blue mostly. LOVE S2L3. A very calming, serene piece here.

Regards.
Lori

Today I will walk out when the air’s still cool and comb
your coarse dark hair, curry your coat
until you shine.

Today I will blanket your once strong back, and lead you
among tall trees and the smell of heating pine,
with the latent buzz of life just rising.

Today I will breathe your breath and you’ll breathe mine
and you will see my eyes are kind.

Tomorrow I will need the touch of velvet, nose to nose.

Today... (add a comma or an elipse)
I will walk out when the air’s still cool[,] {and}
comb your coarse dark hair, [and]
curry your coat until you shine.

Today... (add a comma or an elipse)
I will blanket your once strong back, (not sure if you'd want to reference 'supporting' back)?
{and} lead you among tall trees and the smell of heating pine,
with the latent buzz of life just rising.

Today... (add a comma or an elipse)
I will breathe your breath[,] {and}
you’ll breathe mine[...]
and you will see my eyes are kind.

Tomorrow
I will need the touch of velvet,
nose to nose.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Cyn,

This is quite emotional. I've nothing more to offer than you've already received. I do agree that really the only reworking the poem needs is weeding out a couple of those 'and's also some more structured line breaks. Otherwise, your word choices are honest, heartfelt and that accomplishes the need to reach into your reader and allow that reader to 'feel' the narrators emotions.

This is surely a keeper... and is quite effective.

Best Wishes, Liz