THE SIGN, Wizard Award (changed to sonnet form) Options

[Psyche]

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs



REVISED VERSION, THANK YOU CATHY, MERLIN, LIZ, DANIEL, NINA & GRACE ! (I've lost the original, will post it when I find it... ). OF COURSE THERE WILL BE MORE CHANGES!!)

The Sign

When I was young at heart and full of play,
while skipping by the lake, I saw the swan,
and softly dreamt of magic nights to come:
love would blossom, we'd have found our way!

Most youngsters shrug off instants of sad fate,
chuckle at signs, enjoyment brash and true;
I missed the precious lane that led to you,
and fancied pilgrim love would ever wait.

Lying down beside the deep violet lake,
I trace a broken heart with starry dew
on heavens… - in a trance, my hopes renew,
I drift, enchanted, in my white swan's wake.

Yet sylphine chants inform my soul anew
that faith will not reverse this lonesome state.

By Psyche

Copyright: Sylvia Maclagan, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2006.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Sylvia!

Sad, yet hopeful at the same time. Just because she lost one opportunity doesn't mean she's going to again.

When I was young at heart and full of play,
{and}[while] skipping by the lake, I saw the swan[.]{,}
I dimly dreamt, and dreamt of nights to come:
love would blossom, we’d have found our way! Lovely dream!

Thus youngsters shrug at instants of sad fate,
chuckle at signs, enjoyment brash and true;
I missed the precious lane that led to you,
fancied pilgrim love would forever wait.

Your rhyme scheme differs here from the first. ABCA ... DEED Was that intentional?

Lying down beside the deep violet lake,
sighing sadly: give Providence her due! IMO, you could omit this line. This verse is beautiful!
I trace a broken heart with starry dew
on heavens… - in a trance, obeying fate,
I drift, enchanted, in white swan’s wake.

The rhyme here is FGGDF I think. Since 'fate' isn't a rhyme, maybe another word so as not to repeat it (from S2 L1). If you used a word that rhymes with 'dew' your rhyme scheme would be the same as Stanza one. It would take you in a different direction but what about ... 'in a trance, my hopes renew,'? It's a lovely poem whatever you decide so use or lose as You choose. *smiles*

Cathy

[Psyche]

Hi Cathy !

Thanks for your great suggestions, I'll put some of them into practice right away, as you'll see.

I don't understand about the rhyme scheme differing in S1 and S2, tho'. Aren't they both ABBA? I know that "swan" and "come" are not perfect rhymes, but isn't that allowed, I mean the slight difference in sound?

Well, I'll make the revision that I do understand, and come back tomorrow with a brighter mind, hopefully !!

Thanks so much, Cathy,
hugs,
Sylvia

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Sylvia

A sad poem of missed opportunity, not taking the chance when it arrives but thinking it will be there forever waiting. The ending is hopeful, following fate and the white swan.

thanks for the read

Nina

[Merlin]

Nice sign, Psy.

Your rhyme scheme is known as 'enveloped' rhyme, or other names. It's common enough, and if you were to add a couplet at the end, you'd have a nice sonnet.

I believe the last line is half a beat short, and could use something inserted before the white swan... ie - my/our/your/the/ or a blue swan, which would reestablish the IP.

L3 has the word "dreamt" repeated - unless that's necessary, a substitution for the second could describe the dream. I dimly dreamt of magic nights to come: There will be 100 or more better words to describe them.

You stopped me in my curly shoes with the word "instants" - should that be "instance(s)"?

Lovely.

Merlin

[Cybele]

Hi Sylvia,

In a dreamy moody are you? Ah! How sweet.

Yes, I should say that near rhymes are perfectly OK as in 'swan' and come' Sylvia.

Just one tiny observation. I don't know if this is a spelling error or whether you really mean very short periods of time. Personally I would choose to read it as instance (an example)

Thus youngsters shrug at instants of sad fate,
chuckle at signs, enjoyment brash and true;
I missed the precious lane that led to you,
fancied pilgrim love would forever wait.

Line three is quite beautiful and poignant. (and very true for me personally!)

Lovely Sylvia!

[Psyche]

Hi Sylvia

A sad poem of missed opportunity, not taking the chance when it arrives but thinking it will be there forever waiting. The ending is hopeful, following fate and the white swan.

thanks for the read

Nina

Hi Nina !!

Thanks for dropping in. Yes, it's about missed opportunity. Also about death, since swans are a symbol of death. I believe the loved one died before love was consummated... :-( The young person saw the swan, but thought nothing of it.

I can't say whether the ending is brighter, since following the swan could indicate death, or drowning, Ophelia like, of sadness....But of course, it would also mean reunion with the lost one, as "hopes are renewed" .... Thank you Cathy, for that one !!!

Hugs, Sylvia ***

[Psyche]

Nice sign, Psy.

Your rhyme scheme is known as 'enveloped' rhyme, or other names. It's common enough, and if you were to add a couplet at the end, you'd have a nice sonnet.

I believe the last line is half a beat short, and could use something inserted before the white swan... ie - my/our/your/the/ or a blue swan, which would reestablish the IP.

L3 has the word "dreamt" repeated - unless that's necessary, a substitution for the second could describe the dream. I dimly dreamt of magic nights to come: There will be 100 or more better words to describe them.

You stopped me in my curly shoes with the word "instants" - should that be "instance(s)"?

Lovely.

Merlin

Hi Merlin!
Thanks so much for dropping by! And for enlightenning me on the name of my rhyme scheme. To tell the truth, I got hold of a classical poem by W.B. Yeats, scribbled on a piece of paper by my husband (with no title), and it inspired me to write with this scheme that he uses (not a sonnet). Three ten-syllable quartets, ABBA.

Ah, another question: Some people say that one counts two syllable's for "swan's" or any possessive abbreviation, if you know what I mean. Personally, I agree with you, that the beat would improve with an extra syllable, but then I get ticked off by others....
What to do?!

I'll definitely fix the "dreamt" repetition, thanks for pointing it out. I must have been dreaming myself... sorry !!! (although that figure is used by the classicals, I believe).

HAHA... sorry about the curly toes ! I used "instants" with the acception "An almost imperceptible space of time". In this case, the instant during which the swan was viewed...
This maybe a Spanish influence, since "instantes" is used very often in my country, with that meaning, in poetry.... but if all you people think it's wrong in English, I'll change it, OK? Sometimes one has to follow the dictates of custom, rather than the dictionary, right?

Well, thanks a lot, Merlin, you've given me a great deal to think about, will make changes asap.
Cheers,
Sylvia

[Psyche]

Hi Sylvia,

In a dreamy moody are you? Ah! How sweet.

Yes, I should say that near rhymes are perfectly OK as in 'swan' and come' Sylvia.

Just one tiny observation. I don't know if this is a spelling error or whether you really mean very short periods of time. Personally I would choose to read it as instance (an example)

Thus youngsters shrug at instants of sad fate,
chuckle at signs, enjoyment brash and true;
I missed the precious lane that led to you,
fancied pilgrim love would forever wait.

Line three is quite beautiful and poignant. (and very true for me personally!)

Lovely Sylvia!

Thank you, Grace, for your always perceptive comments.
I'm relieved to hear that near rhymes are acceptable

I did mean very short periods of time with "instants", like a quick glimpse of the swan (since it's a sign and could very well disappear in an instant). But if you think it's not properly understood, then I can change it, no problem. I need a visit to English speaking countries to re-familiarise myself with certain expressions!

I was not only in a nostalgic, dreamy mood, but also trying my hand at classical style. I do that every so often!!! You know, I like to experiment with various styles so as not to get bored with myself...haha....

I'm glad it touched a chord in you, Grace.
Hugs, Sylvia

[Cybele]

Hi Sylvia,

Yes 'instants' in the context you have used it is perfectly understandable. I think is must be me but I just couldn't quite grasp the meaning in that line.

I think it becomes crystal clear if you change one of the other words

Thus youngsters shrug at instants of sad fate,

Thus youngsters shrug off instants of sad fate,

What do you think?

I was not only in a nostalgic, dreamy mood, but also trying my hand at classical style. I do that every so often!!! You know, I like to experiment with various styles so as not to get bored with myself...haha....

Classical's good, but I am very fond of your own inimitable style! Don't change too much.

[Merlin]

Hi again, Psy,

This is the Wizard - a wee case of mistaken identity, but no harm cometh!

To your question, "What to do?" - the answer is simple - you're in charge so you do what you wish and damn the torpedos! You can't please everyone, so you gotta please yourself. (a quote from somewhere)

As to "instants", I caught your meaning but wasn't sure if it was just a typo or what you meant. Then again - the thought of "instant coffee" popped to mind, and other "instants". But I do like your use of it, this is poetry.

I'm curious now of the WBY poem you used to refer to. If you could post the first line, I'll find the title. There's Leda and the Swan, one of the most remarkable sonnets available; and he has Wild Swans at Coole. Remarkable stuff.

Merlin

[AMETHYST]

Hey Slyvia...

OH my this is lovely... The idealism of childhood magic, dreams, wishing on stars and looking for signs. Of childhood love, and memories are so full and vibrant through out this poem. The second stanza is critical to the turn as if, S1, represents the fresh and innocence of childhood, then the changes that come and how we long for those moments and how as we are in that time, when signs and magic is every where--we are busy rushing into the future, over looking the roads that are to lead us to our callings. Come S3, the longing for a missed opportunity to find destiny. Then, with the absolute EXCELLENCE of the final 2 lines.

Some further thoughts to follow. BIG CHEERS For this one.

Hugs, Liz

The Sign

Strong title.

When I was young at heart and full of play,
while skipping by the lake, I saw the swan.
I dimly dreamt of magic nights to come:
love would blossom, we'd have found our way!

Loved the way you've referred back to 'swan lake' as this image of swan on the lake...That was spectacular....
In L3, I wasn't too fond of 'dimly dreamt' it felt weak and forced for alliteration only. I believed you were going with the definition of 'vague' sort of instead of dim like in lacking light. I think that either feels awkward. Maybe I will wait to see what the right meaning is for dimly before further suggestions.


Thus youngsters shrug at instants of sad fate,
chuckle at signs, enjoyment brash and true;
I missed the precious lane that led to you,
fancied pilgrim love would forever wait.

Great meaningful lines. The tone of regret paints this stanza, a little meloncholic over tone...that is suttle, yet...obvious. Other than the word 'Thus' I have no nits... the word thus, sort of sticks out like a sore thumb. However, once passed it, it isn't a problem...

Lying down beside the deep violet lake,
I trace a broken heart with starry dew
on heavens… - in a trance, my hopes renew,
I drift, enchanted, in white swan's wake.

This is a treasure of an ending stanza... especially the ending lines. Great word crafting.

Hugs Sylvia... I certainly enjoyed this poem... Good poetry.

Liz

[JustDaniel]

Greetings, Sylvia.

I did note your rhyme scheme ABBA and assumed that you meant a slant rhyme in the first stanza, and I see that is the case. As you may have gathered, I'd learned to be a kind of 'strict constructionist' with meter, so I've always 'stumbled' over others' free walk through syllables... but that seems to have become the style of things these days, so I'm in the process of getting used to it. Some things take time, and I've never been one to learn quickly, so forgive me, please.

I do like one of Merlin's suggestions for the last line, since there is a half-beat missing there, and by the time you come to the end of the poem, it seems to me that the swan has become 'YOURS', so why not use the pronoun "my" there.

That and a few other thoughts in graphic form:

When I was young at heart and full of play,
while skipping by the lake, I saw viewed the swan (.)
I and dimly dreamt of magic nights to come:
love would blossom will bloom forth, and we'll , we'd have found our way!

Thus youngsters shrug at sad instances ts of sad fate,
chuckle at signs, enjoyment brash and true;
I missed the precious lane that led to you,
and fancied pilgrim love would for ever wait.

Lying down beside the deep violet lake,
I trace a broken heart with starry dew
on heavens… - in a trance, my hopes renew,
I drift, enchanted, in my white swan's wake.

Lightly dreaming, Daniel

[Psyche]

Hi Grace !

Yes, I like shrug off very much indeed. Will make the change, thanks a lot!



Thus youngsters shrug at instants of sad fate

Thus youngsters shrug off instants of sad fate,

What do you think?

Classical's good, but I am very fond of your own inimitable style! Don't change too much.

Mmmmmm..... thank you, Grace. No, I won't and can't change, when I write about people and places I know well, I just have to use my own personal style, I have no choice !
Sometimes I just get playful and imitate the "great ones", a sort of interlude...

I think that reading a lot of poetry is good, then one gets the itch to "do what they did", sort of... and with luck, something positive brushes off on to one's own style.... perhaps !

Sorry about being so SLOW to reply. Here again, I don't have much choice.

Hugs and thank you, Grace,
Sylvia

[Cybele]

Hi Sylvia,

Yes, I like shrug off very much indeed. Will make the change, thanks a lot!

Thus youngsters shrug off instants of sad fate,

What do you think?

T'riffic Sylvia!

Don't worry about taking a long time. I am so busy being a School Governor at present (so much reading!!!) and loads of meetings, that my appearances here are very sketchy too.

[Psyche]

Hi again, Psy,

This is the Wizard - a wee case of mistaken identity, but no harm cometh!

To your question, "What to do?" - the answer is simple - you're in charge so you do what you wish and damn the torpedos! You can't please everyone, so you gotta please yourself. (a quote from somewhere)

As to "instants", I caught your meaning but wasn't sure if it was just a typo or what you meant. Then again - the thought of "instant coffee" popped to mind, and other "instants". But I do like your use of it, this is poetry.

I'm curious now of the WBY poem you used to refer to. If you could post the first line, I'll find the title. There's Leda and the Swan, one of the most remarkable sonnets available; and he has Wild Swans at Coole. Remarkable stuff.

Merlin

Oh, dear me, Wizard, perhaps you transformed your disguise for a while?! Nooooo, silly me!!!Now I'll have to figure out who I mixed you up with. I'm not familiar with everybody, even after a couple of years...

HAHA... instant coffee !!! Well, I just might consider finding another word, if that's the case. Quite a few people have had trouble with instants, tho' on second readings they've agreed it's OK.... Hmmmm.....

All right, I'll post the WBY poem I used for form and rhyme, all of it if you like. I don't have the title -it's on a piece of paper- but here goes the first stanza:

"When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep."

It's a very well-known poem !!! Here we have plenty of articles, too !!! Those "and's" all over the place...hmmm.....

Perhaps he gave it no title?

Thank you, Merlin, for your interest in my wobbly R&R. Please forgive my delay in answering. I'm the slowbee on these forums...

Cheers,
Sylvia

[Cybele]

Hi Sylvia, (and Merlin)

The poem is called When you are Old. One of my favourite poems, ever!

Here's a link for you Merlin should you wish to read the rest.



http://www.potw.org/archive/potw12.html

[Psyche]

Hey Slyvia...

OH my this is lovely... The idealism of childhood magic, dreams, wishing on stars and looking for signs. Of childhood love, and memories are so full and vibrant through out this poem. The second stanza is critical to the turn as if, S1, represents the fresh and innocence of childhood, then the changes that come and how we long for those moments and how as we are in that time, when signs and magic is every where--we are busy rushing into the future, over looking the roads that are to lead us to our callings. Come S3, the longing for a missed opportunity to find destiny. Then, with the absolute EXCELLENCE of the final 2 lines.

Some further thoughts to follow. BIG CHEERS For this one.

Hugs, Liz

The Sign

Strong title.






When I was young at heart and full of play,
while skipping by the lake, I saw the swan.
I dimly dreamt of magic nights to come:
love would blossom, we'd have found our way!

Loved the way you've referred back to 'swan lake' as this image of swan on the lake...That was spectacular....
In L3, I wasn't too fond of 'dimly dreamt' it felt weak and forced for alliteration only. I believed you were going with the definition of 'vague' sort of instead of dim like in lacking light. I think that either feels awkward. Maybe I will wait to see what the right meaning is for dimly before further suggestions.


Thus youngsters shrug at instants of sad fate,
chuckle at signs, enjoyment brash and true;
I missed the precious lane that led to you,
fancied pilgrim love would forever wait.

Great meaningful lines. The tone of regret paints this stanza, a little meloncholic over tone...that is suttle, yet...obvious. Other than the word 'Thus' I have no nits... the word thus, sort of sticks out like a sore thumb. However, once passed it, it isn't a problem...

Lying down beside the deep violet lake,
I trace a broken heart with starry dew
on heavens… - in a trance, my hopes renew,
I drift, enchanted, in white swan's wake.

This is a treasure of an ending stanza... especially the ending lines. Great word crafting.

Hugs Sylvia... I certainly enjoyed this poem... Good poetry.

Liz

Dear Liz !

Thank you ever so much for your in-depth commentaries and critique. I have to apologize for being such a slowbee, please forgive.

Yes, you've captured my meaning very well indeed. That's a great comfort. The swan, of course, symbolizes death, so the "lost instants" are indeed irretrievable. We just rush forward into the future (and ever faster, it seems to me!!

You've quite rightly pointed out the "dimly" problem. I needed a word with 2 syllables, so vague wouldn't do either. But I shall think about it and see whether I can make a change there, as you suggest.

"Thus" was meant to be in tone with the old-fashioned style of the poem -I was using W.B.Yeats as a guide- but perhaps I can change that too, if you think so.

I'm SO relieved you like the ending stanza, Liz ! Thank you for saying so ! I don't think I really belong in R&R, I'm just a shameless usurper of this forum's space...haha...

Hugs,
Sylvia

[Psyche]

Hi Sylvia, (and Merlin)

The poem is called When you are Old. One of my favourite poems, ever!

Here's a link for you Merlin should you wish to read the rest.



http://www.potw.org/archive/potw12.html

Hey thank you, Grace !!!
You're a quick one, indeed...
And thanks for the link, you've saved me typing the whole poem (although Merlin didn't ask me to, I just felt that I should... )

My Mother taught me that poem, Grace, but the years pass and one forgets. She used to read or recite lots of poetry to me. I'm grateful about that. Did yours too? And it was a coincidence that I found it scribbled on a piece of paper by Carlos, so many years later...

Hugs, Sylvia

[Psyche]

Hi Daniel !!

This is just a first answer to say "thank you" for your great commentary and help with my poem. I've answered three people this morning and I suffer from aching muscles, so I shall leave off now and get back to you asap. Doc's orders !!!!

Your comments deserve a proper study, I read them all and shall take them into account very seriously indeed. Lovely !!!

Cheers, Sylvia