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Posted by: Eisa May 15 09, 16:52

I've dug deep into the archives to find this one and felt it needed some work, so I've revised it.
Any suggestions welcome. Not sure about the title?





Revision 2
Tweaked 28/05/09

Sky Wars

Conflicting forces brace for battle, dressed
in charcoal camouflage. Prepared to swarm
the sky, they mobilize and fly abreast
while nimbi squadrons activate the storm.

Descending bombs crescendo; roaring booms
provoke the sun to disengage his rays.
Grenades explode, their flashes herald doom
so startled creatures dart in disarray.

Machine guns fire, barraging foes in bursts;
torrential rains unleashed soon drench the land
to quench the dehydrated flora’s thirst.

New cirri squads arrive to take command,
belligerence retreating. Peace pervades
as sunrays rally; victory parades.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

L7 was

Grenades explode, their flashes smack of doom


Last line was -
as sunrays march in victory parades.
(I've returned to the original)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Combating Clouds (recent revision)

Celestial warriors brace for battle, dressed
in charcoal camouflage. Prepared to swarm
the sky, they mobilize; airmen abreast,
all nimbi squadrons activate the storm.

As rumbling bombs crescendo, their advance
provokes the sun to disengage his rays;
grenades explode as lightening flashes lance
and startled creatures dart in disarray.

Machine guns fire, barraging clouds in bursts;
torrential rain unleashed soon drenches land
to quench the desiccated flora’s thirst.

New cirri squads arrive to take command,
belligerence retreating. Peace invades
as sunrays rally; victory parade

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Clouds in Combat (original)

When clouds assemble, braced for battle, troops
come camouflaged in charcoal uniforms.
As squadrons mobilize for combat, groups
of sombre nimbi activate a storm.

Advancing rumbles soon crescendo: cries
of war provoke the sun; she skulks away.
Grenades explode, their flashes fill the sky
and startled creatures dart in disarray.

Barraging bullets from machine gun bursts
unleash torrential rains that drench the earth
to quench the desiccated flora’s thirst.
New bands of cirri celebrate rebirth.

Belligerence departs as peace invades
and sunrays rally; victory parade.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posted by: Sekhmet May 16 09, 02:57

Good morning Eisa - A lovely, visual, painting of clouds at war. I'ts well worth bringing back for a second look. You ask us for suggestions, so, for what they are worth, here are mine. I feel that some extra punctuation would help the reader to find the narative breaks more easily. If nothing strikes you as helpful - feel free to ignore.
Leo.

Title? Possibly, 'Sky Wars'?

Celestial warriors, brace[d] for battle, dressed
in charcoal camouflage, prepare to swarm
the sky. They mobilize - airmen abreast,
{all} [while?] nimbi squadrons activate the storm.

As rumbling bombs crescendo; their advance
provokes the sun to disengage his rays.
Grenades explode, as lightening flashes lance,
and startled creatures dart in disarray.

Machine guns fire, barraging clouds in bursts;
torrential rain, unleashed, soon drenches land -
to quench the desiccated flora's thirst.
New cirri squads arrive to take command.



Belligerence retreating; Peace invades.
As sun-rays rally victory parade .

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Posted by: jgdittier May 16 09, 10:16

Dear Eisa,
I'm generally reluctant to offer much in potentially improving other's poetry. That's because primary my style varies from current practices.
However, I fancy "Clouds in Combat" and will share these thoughts:
I like Leo's punctuation suggestions. Since I place more emphasis on beat than most, anything that helps the reader read as the poet intended curries my favor.
line 5- descend for crescendo
line 7-prance for lance
line 8-scat for dart (purely for alliteration)
line13-pervades for invades
line 14-as for and, parades for parade
I think lines 9-12 are marvelous
Congratulations!
Cheers, Ron jgdittier

Posted by: Larry May 16 09, 10:44

Hi Eisa,

I've been through a war and your sonnet does sound just like one during the heat of battle. I enjoyed the read very much but did see some places where I would utilize a different word or phrase.
As Leo stated, you asked for suggestions so here are mine to take or toss.

Maybe “Warring Fronts”, “Front Lines” or “Harbingers” for the title.



[Celestial warriors] brace for battle, dressed (Conflicting forces…) “Celestial seems to me more stars, sun, moon, heavenly bodies, etc.”
in charcoal camouflage. Prepared to swarm
the sky, they mobilize; [airmen] abreast, (convene) or (flying) “airmen” is a little too anthropomorphic
all nimbi squadrons [activate] the storm. (gather for)



As rumbling bombs crescendo, their advance
[provokes] the sun to disengage his rays[;] (persuades)(.)
[grenades] explode as lightening flashes lance(Grenades) start a new sentence.
and startled creatures dart [in disarray]. (as fear dismays)



The only problem I have with this stanza is "desiccated". Although it does mean dry or parched, it also usually means withered and dead. Not many desiccated plants are able to "come back to life" after being in that state. Perhaps something not so severe.



New cirri squads arrive to take command,
belligerence retreating. Peace [invades] (pervades) “Peace invades” is an oxymoron.
as sunrays rally; victory parade(s!) or perhaps (as sunbeams march in victory parades.)

I know this is a lot of suggestions to mull over so take or toss as you see fit.


Larry

Posted by: mike in brooklyn May 17 09, 05:33

Very original to compare a storm
with a battle on earth.
You drew me into the commotion and
fear which accompanies both.

Posted by: Eisa May 27 09, 17:38

Hi Leo

Thank you for your great comments -- I have used some of your ideas and changed to your suggested title.

Thanks again!

Snow

Posted by: Eisa May 27 09, 17:40

Hi Ron - great suggestions!! I've used some in revision.

Snow

Posted by: Eisa May 27 09, 17:41

Hi Larry

Some great suggestions from you! - I have used many of them in my revision.

Thanks
Eira

Posted by: Eisa May 27 09, 17:43

Hi Mike

Thank you for your comments - I'm glad this worked for you.

Snow

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 27 09, 19:40

Hi Snow,

What a wonderfully imagery-packed, metaphor filled poem! Yay! I'm soglad you re-worked this one for us all to enjoy again. - Definite thumbs up on the title change!

Let's see what I noted below as we go!

Conflicting forces, brace for battle, dressed (delete the comma after ‘forces’)
in charcoal camouflage. Prepared to swarm
the sky, they mobilize and fly abreast, (comma is not necessary here)
while nimbi squadrons activate the storm.
Fantastic opening Snow – I can feel the ‘doom’ coming already! The battle has begun and I can’t wait to read on! Love your incorporation of the word ‘nimbi – for dark rain clouds – very fresh.

Descending bombs crescendo; roaring booms (nice alliteration)
provoke the sun to disengage his rays. (excellent inner rhymes)
Grenades explode, their flashes smack of doom (not sure that ‘smack’ is a strong enough word here when following a grenade explosion? Perhaps crack or blare could work? Or maybe ‘discharge doom’?)
so startled creatures dart in disarray.
The switch from plural to singular on both end rhymes seems fine to me, not sure if die-hard sonneteers mind, but who cares?

Machine guns fire, barraging foes in bursts;
torrential rains unleashed soon drench the land
to quench the dehydrated flora’s thirst.
Excellent follow through visually! Like the drench/quench combo too.

New cirri squads arrive to take command, (excellent, bringing us back to those clouds again sorta – a newer ‘unit’, lol)
belligerence retreating. Peace pervades
as sunrays march in victory parades.
A personal preference – I fancy the previous ending a tad more:
as sunrays rally; victory parade.

Very much enjoyed this – glad you re-worked it Snow for us to enjoy again.
HUGS
~Cleo

Posted by: Eisa May 28 09, 18:44

Hi Lori

It's good to see you here ... and your suggestions are just what I need & I've already made the tweaks!!

As to the end rhymes ... I agree to a certain extent. I have a more modern approach to the sonnet & feel that sometimes lines can be spoiled by sticking too rigidly to the rules on end rhymes.

Any more suggestions, just let me know.

Hugs Snow

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis May 28 09, 21:21

Snow!

I like the change to 'heralds as well as the slight change in that ending.

Enjoyed!
~Cleo

Posted by: Aphrodite Oct 3 09, 09:26

Hi Eisa,

I enjoyed your explosive piece and the superb imagery!

I reminds me of "War of the Worlds" as the sun rays rally with a big splash of creativity!

Nice job!