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Posted by: JustDaniel Apr 22 13, 14:25

I posted this today as part of my http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=15915&st=0#entry131445 in Announcements -> Basilica


A Strange Critter
a blank stare sonnet

Today my Critter glazed as if to say
he simply couldn’t limn a single word.
To show I understood, I’d pat his head,
I thought; he moved away beyond my reach.

Withdrawing hand, I felt a single tear
come coursing down my nose. “Splot” on the floor.
As if he heard, his eyes caught mine again
and purred a bit, I think, then looked away.

I tried again to soothe my 10-month pet,
but every move I made drove him away.
Why does he treat me so? How can we share
my thoughts and insights, dreams. He is my friend!

With him I want to give what I’ve received.
Be patient, fellow poets. Crit’s estranged.

© MLee Dickens'son 2002


P.S. There are three layers in this poem, but the most important is that I was experiencing something similar to writer’s block – except that it’s what those who attempt to critique, experience: Critter’s Block!

Posted by: Thoth Apr 23 13, 03:19

I fully understand, Daniel.

My critter too is a little temperamental. At times he is well behaved and all goes well but at then becomes uncomplimentary at at times downright rude and so I end up not posting the crit at all - then he sulks . . . muttering and mumbling about wasting his time.
after that it takes much cajoling to get him out of the kennel again.

I have dozens of these stashed in a folder aptly called ; "Critiques"

This one has no rhyme at all! a blank sonnet indeed.
I am not going to offer a crit because I don't think it needs it since the message is quite clear and it reads OK to me.

Thanks for sharing those thoughts in verse.

Cheers,

Wal

Posted by: AMETHYST Apr 23 13, 08:46

Hi Daniel,

I enjoyed this so much. I liked the intention made with the form selected. I did want to suggest for a title, Estranged Critter, as it implies more previous relationship or closeness and your critter is becoming estranged.

There are mostly lovely nuggets found in this poem, specifically those that show what many of us are going through with our muse - (as that is how this related to me, my estranged relationship with my creative juices)

I would only like to offer a small thought to S2, L4 - perhaps and purred a bit, I think - but looked away
it would add a little sound dance between your perhaps/purred and bit/but ... then seemed so casual, the word but gives me a insight to the narrators feeling of disappointment in the critter.

Or perhaps something with the word 'Aloof' for a title.

Oh you know me, some little thoughts to nibble on for you and your critter.
Best Regards, Liz

Posted by: JustDaniel May 15 13, 08:21

QUOTE (Thoth @ Apr 23 13, 04:19 )

I fully understand, Daniel.

My critter too is a little temperamental. At times he is well behaved and all goes well but at then becomes uncomplimentary at at times downright rude and so I end up not posting the crit at all - then he sulks . . . muttering and mumbling about wasting his time.
after that it takes much cajoling to get him out of the kennel again.

Well said, Wally! You've captured the very same thought in your descriptive words. We're right in there together.

I have dozens of these stashed in a folder aptly called ; "Critiques"

I hope that you'll cull them out and post them!! I love to see your observations and critiques... "rude" or not!!

This one has no rhyme at all! a blank sonnet indeed.
I am not going to offer a crit because I don't think it needs it since the message is quite clear and it reads OK to me.

Thanks, Wally. That IS a critique in itself... your observation!

Thanks for sharing those thoughts in verse.

Cheers, Wal

Posted by: Merlin May 17 13, 22:03

Hi Daniel,
fer a moment, I thought you were writing about my ex, by the title!

There's one spot that I balked - L5, being "Withdrawing hand, I felt a single tear". If you wanted to get that missing "my" into there, it shouldn't take much, considering it's blank and can be reworded without rhyme muck-up.

M

Posted by: JLY May 21 13, 11:43

Daniel,
I read this in a different way, substituting the image of your pet with one of a human subject that could be a devoted family member or friend.

I miss the rhymes so the Blank Stare format leaves me wanting.

I am at a void in offering meaningful crits at this time.
JLY

Posted by: Eisa May 22 13, 14:20

Hi Daniel

I've read this before but only just let lose my critter on it! I really love the concept and can't fault much at all except this stanza-

Withdrawing hand, I felt a single tear
As I withdrew my hand I felt one tear
come coursing down my nose. “Splot” on the floor.
As if he heard, his eyes caught mine again
and purred a bit, I think, then looked away.

I think sound s a bit of a filler- so perhaps you can fill that space better

Just a couple of thoughts

Eira