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Posted by: Eisa Apr 9 13, 08:34

I have revised this using Merlin's suggestion for formatting.
Also, a few tweaks a: Lori's suggestion
b: I've brought the cricket in later, hopefully keeping the surprise until the end lines. Also missed out 'crunch' as it might give away the cricket too early.

Last Supper

Oblivious to fate,
they gorge on carrots
and thirst quenching fruit,
before being thrust
into the leopard’s den.

In a shadowy niche,
the predator
lurks --
......... stirs
as prey scuttles near.
Eyes wide he watches,
..........begins to stalk.
Excited,
tail trembling
.........he pounces!

Shaping a smile,
his mouth is loaded
......as legs wriggle,
..............guts ooze
a cricket feast
for my leopard gecko.


-----------------------------------------------
Last Supper

Oblivious to fate's hand
they gorge until stuffed
on carrots
and thirst quenching fruit,
before being thrust
into the leopard’s den.

In a dark niche, the predator
lurks -- stirs as prey scuttles near.
Eyes wide he watches,
begins to stalk.
Excited,
tail trembling
he pounces …
crunch!

Shaping a smile,
his mouth is loaded
with cricket
legs wriggling,
guts oozing --
a wholesome feast
for my leopard gecko.

Posted by: Blank_Canvas Apr 9 13, 09:14

LOL what a relief it was only crickets...I was visualizing a big cat and human prey !

Posted by: Eisa Apr 9 13, 14:02

QUOTE (Blank_Canvas @ Apr 9 13, 15:14 )

Posted by: JustDaniel Apr 9 13, 15:45

I love the twist in the end... the revelation of the KIND of leopard this is! - a gecko!

I don't see any change necessary in this my friend, but you know how little I know about free verse.

deLighting in the light verse, Daniel

P.S. It occurs to me that I have to hope that the gecko's prey was not the cricket couple that I just wrote about in the challenge forum: http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=15850

Posted by: Merlin Apr 9 13, 17:56

Hello Eira,

Here I am again! But ya never know with the Wizard...

Free Verse, a name I don't fully like except that it allows freedom. My choice of wording is "open form" but I'll use the FV abb.

FV allows you to do as you please, without the limitations of fixed verse. That's great, but I found that it presented a whole range of different opportunities to master in order to keep poetry and not chopped verse or worse. Here's my tuppence worth >>>

The title - I'd advise choosing another since this one is too recognizable as those pictures on the wall. My take is not to use one so well known, as Gone with the Wind, For Whom the Bell Tolls, etc, which are their own.

FV - since you wrote it, it's perfect the way you want it. You have the right.

If you wish to do revisions, I would suggest attention to line breaks. They are extremely important, here in FV since there is no defined meter. Line breaks serve a number of functions - they give the reader time to breathe, especially reading Sandburg or Og Nash. They give the writer the power of impact, suspense, emotion, and more. They are used for effect.
When looking at your verse, which is more effective, below?

Oblivious to fate's hand
they gorge until stuffed
on carrots (original)

Oblivious to fate's hand, they gorge
until stuffed on carrots (da Wizard)

In a dark niche, the predator
lurks -- stirs as prey scuttles near.
Eyes wide he watches,
begins to stalk. (original)

In a cool, damp, dark niche,
the predator
lurks --
............stirs as prey scuttles near. (use tab, here color out dots)
Eyes wide he watches,
............begins to stalk. (ibid) (W again)

Whichever gives the most suspense, emotion, or what you choose.

There tis, hope I've given you a cricket or 2 to crunch on.

Merlin

Posted by: Thoth Apr 11 13, 08:10

Hello Snow

Yes, it put a smile on my face. Thank you for that

Made me think of what we call in Africa the "Little Five". The "Big five" are;

Elephant, Rhino, Buffalo, Lion & Leopard

Now the "Little five" are:

Elephant shrew, Rhino beetle, Buffalo weaver, Ant-lion and (you guessed it) Leopard tortoise!

Well if your poem was about the leopard tortoise there would have have been no need for the crickets since he is a vegetarian. But that would have been oh-so boring.

Thanks for the smiles

Hugz,

Wal

Posted by: Maureen Apr 12 13, 17:10

G'day Eisa

Obviously your geckos must be a lot bigger than the Australian gecko of which I share my home with at least 10 and love them. Never have a bug problem with them around and their noisy sharp clicking sounds and tail thumps sometimes frighten the life out of me. For such little blokes they are noisy buggers.

I loved your poem it was full of images that just bought it to life for me - now I am thinking your geckoes must be huge

Cheers

Maureen

Posted by: Eisa Apr 16 13, 15:37

QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Apr 9 13, 21:45 )

I love the twist in the end... the revelation of the KIND of leopard this is! - a gecko!

I don't see any change necessary in this my friend, but you know how little I know about free verse.

deLighting in the light verse, Daniel

P.S. It occurs to me that I have to hope that the gecko's prey was not the cricket couple that I just wrote about in the challenge forum: http://forums.mosaicmusings.net/index.php?showtopic=15850

Posted by: Eisa Apr 16 13, 15:42

Hi Merlin

It's always great to have your thoughts. I have tried a few versions of formatting this and put one of them up as revision. (and I'm still trying out)

Thanks for your suggestions
Snow

Posted by: Eisa Apr 16 13, 15:43

Glad this made you smile, Wally.

Snow

Posted by: Eisa Apr 16 13, 15:54

QUOTE (Maureen @ Apr 12 13, 23:10 )

G'day Eisa

Obviously your geckos must be a lot bigger than the Australian gecko of which I share my home with at least 10 and love them. Never have a bug problem with them around and their noisy sharp clicking sounds and tail thumps sometimes frighten the life out of me. For such little blokes they are noisy buggers.

I loved your poem it was full of images that just bought it to life for me - now I am thinking your geckoes must be huge

Cheers

Maureen

Posted by: Merlin Apr 16 13, 19:23

I like that revision, Eira. It adds suspense, methinks. Looking forward to what the others say...

M

Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Apr 16 13, 20:10

Hi Snow,

Ooh I luv this! The title suggests something different (since I was thinking religion) and it was a treat to read this!

I do like the changes to the "shape" - it's more pleasing to the eye. My one nit is here with S1L2:
Oblivious to fate's hand, they gorge
until stuffed on carrots
and thirst quenching fruit,
before being thrust
into the leopard’s den.

I feel that gorge is self sustaining and that you could delete 'until stuffed' and still come to the same meaning.

Oblivious to fate's hand, they gorge
on carrots
and thirst-quenching fruit,
before being thrust
into the leopard’s den.

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo

Posted by: Eisa Apr 18 13, 15:05

QUOTE (Merlin @ Apr 17 13, 01:23 )

Posted by: Eisa Apr 18 13, 15:09

Thanks Lori

I did wonder about stuffed and gorged at one time so I'm glad you mentioned that. I've put it right + a few tweaks.

Snow