 Nature's King **, A Trois-par-Huit |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Poetry Forums > Fixed Form and Rhyming Poetry for Critique -> Herme's Homilies  |
 Dec 11 15, 08:17
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#1
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep  |
An oldie. Looking for feedback. Here's a link to the form's background for your information
Nature's King The firs rise touching star-twinkled skies standing vigil o'er evening's glow wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow embraces kisses of crimson berries below where silver cherubs rejoice and sing ...symbols of joy to bring Nature's King. Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter All rights reserved as an unpublished work ·······  ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner           |
  
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Dec 11 15, 21:08
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#2
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 Assyrian  Posts: 248 Joined: 10-November 15 From: Sunny Florida Member No.: 5,293 Real Name: YC Writer of: Poetry Referred By:TCP |
Cool one Cleo. Fitting for the holiday. Must try out this form.
Nature's King The firs rise touching star-twinkled skies standing vigil o'er evening's glow L2 – Maybe star-sprinkled skies instead. L3 – Maybe evening’s “show” instead. wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow embraces kisses of crimson berries below L4 – Maybe another way to describe the gold and snow. Like: “draped in braided charms of glitter gold, sparkling snow” where silver cherubs rejoice and sing ...symbols of joy to bring Nature's King. L6 – Maybe use a bird of the forest rather than a cherub in keeping with the nature theme. “where Winter Wrens in joyous voice sing L7 - - I’d use another symbol like peace or hope. And make it singular …”symbol of hope to bring” |
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Dec 12 15, 21:33
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#3
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Oh Lori, this is beautiful. I do believe I remember it although if I do, the memories are fragmented. So I am going to look at this fresh and new.
First I support most of Luce's suggestions, especially in L2, to change twinkled to sprinkled. Sprinkled seems to flow off the tongue and sounds pleasing. However, I liked ashen snow if the main purposes was to show contrast to the beauty, otherwise perhaps sometimes snow is seen as silvery - either silver snow or satin snow... I love the poem, and of course you know I have always loved the form, since the day you created it! LOL I wish I had better suggestions, but slow and steady .... Hugs,Liz ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
MM Award Winner   |
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Dec 13 15, 00:23
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#4
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,853 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Lori! Great to see you posting again. I peeked at the link that led me to the creation of this form, but got totally lost after reading other people's suggestions (I mean the old ones). So, same as Liz, I'll make believe you created it now. That makes two new forms created by you, or more? I always have in mind your Swap Quatrains. Congrats are in order!!! I also agree with most of Luce's suggestions. I'll return for another read, as your lovely poem merits several visits. Tonight I've been apologizing to all for not revising my sonnet. Everybody has been so encouraging and helpful. Hugs, Syl*** ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner    |
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Dec 13 15, 18:09
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#5
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 Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Wow! Lori ,you are great at inventing these forms. This is great!
 I cannot add any more in the way of suggestions - Luce has said it all. I'll be back to read again, when time allows. Well done, Lori - please post some more. I've missed you!  Snow I hope you'll enter this in the Xmas Contest ······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner  |
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Dec 15 15, 08:55
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#6
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,548 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hey, Lori...
Nice to see this one again. Isn't it your example piece down in Karnak for the form? if so, and you revise it, I guess you'll have to go back and revise it there too?  Just a few quickie thoughts: QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Dec 11 15, 08:17 )  Nature's King The firs rise touching star-twinkled skies to add to others' suggestions, maybe "sequined" ? standing vigil o'er evening's glow wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow I'm not sure "ashen" is the right word. To me it connotes "grey" ? embraces kisses of crimson berries below where silver cherubs rejoice and sing How about "silver-winged doves" ? ...symbols of joy to bring ... and replace "joy" with "peace" ? Nature's King. deLighting in the journey, Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner |
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Dec 17 15, 19:56
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#7
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hello Luce and thanks for visiting my thread!
  QUOTE (Luce @ Dec 11 15, 21:08 ) Cool one Cleo. Fitting for the holiday. Must try out this form. Yes, I DO hope you'll try this form out - it's best to center align it as well when you create yours. Nature's King The firs rise touching star-twinkled skies standing vigil o'er evening's glow L2 – Maybe star-sprinkled skies instead. L3 – Maybe evening’s “show” instead. Oh, I hadn't thought of that - star-sprinkled skies - I may just change that after I've considered all suggestions. The stars, snow, nature in general could definitely be viewed as a 'show' instead of for the moon's glow (which is what I was thinking at the time when I wrote this centuries ago, lol). Another option could be "Twilight's glow"? SO, we could have from the original:standing vigil o'er evening's glow standing vigil o'er evening's show standing vigil o'er Twilight's glow standing vigil o'er Twilight's show Good ideas to ponder -- TY! :bulb: wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow embraces kisses of crimson berries below L4 – Maybe another way to describe the gold and snow. Like: “draped in braided charms of glitter gold, sparkling snow” I do like the substitution of 'draped' for 'wrapped'.  I'm not certain if 'braided charms' is what I am trying to convey ~ but it could be 'tinseled charms. Ashen snow was meant to be a contrast - but yes, when snow is falling so fresh, and at twilight, it does have that sparkle to it - so I will certainly think on this change too.  where silver cherubs rejoice and sing ...symbols of joy to bring Nature's King. L6 – Maybe use a bird of the forest rather than a cherub in keeping with the nature theme. “where Winter Wrens in joyous voice sing Hmmm -winter wrens is neat - nice alliteration too. Or perhaps doves, as I always envision them as a symbol of peace? I'll need to think on an alliterative for the D if I go that way. I'd need a tweak on the 'in joyous voice sing' part for metrical consistency (maybe sub 'voice' for choir?)  L7 - - I’d use another symbol like peace or hope. And make it singular …”symbol of hope to bring” Yes, I see what you mean there, especially if I change L6 and include 'joyous' there. Thanks so much for your insightful critique! ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Dec 17 15, 20:05
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#8
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Liz!
 Thanks so much - this is a very old one that i was never really satisfied with - especially L4 and L6. Yes, sprinkled is more alliterative and I'll make that change when I revise. touching star-sprinkled skies Also, 'satin snow' may work, not sure - but ashen will most likely disappear.  Thanks for stopping in - this is GREAT to receive feedback!  Merry Christmas to you and your family Liz!  Hugs, ~Cleo  QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Dec 12 15, 21:33 ) Oh Lori, this is beautiful. I do believe I remember it although if I do, the memories are fragmented. So I am going to look at this fresh and new. First I support most of Luce's suggestions, especially in L2, to change twinkled to sprinkled. Sprinkled seems to flow off the tongue and sounds pleasing. However, I liked ashen snow if the main purposes was to show contrast to the beauty, otherwise perhaps sometimes snow is seen as silvery - either silver snow or satin snow... I love the poem, and of course you know I have always loved the form, since the day you created it! LOL I wish I had better suggestions, but slow and steady .... Hugs,Liz ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Dec 17 15, 20:11
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#9
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi there Syl!
 Thank you! It is good to revisit old poems and see how to re-imagine them, lol!  There is a third form I created shortly after this one - very similar called Quatre-par-Huit (or four by eight) that have 4/8/12/16/16/12/8/4 as well. I will also go and visit your sonnet, tomorrow hopefully and I owe some crits for many others. I've been so busy in the job hunt so pre-occupied there. Thanks again and Merry Christmas! ~Cleo QUOTE (Psyche @ Dec 13 15, 00:23 ) Hi Lori! Great to see you posting again. I peeked at the link that led me to the creation of this form, but got totally lost after reading other people's suggestions (I mean the old ones). So, same as Liz, I'll make believe you created it now. That makes two new forms created by you, or more? I always have in mind your Swap Quatrains. Congrats are in order!!! I also agree with most of Luce's suggestions. I'll return for another read, as your lovely poem merits several visits. Tonight I've been apologizing to all for not revising my sonnet. Everybody has been so encouraging and helpful. Hugs, Syl*** ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Dec 17 15, 20:15
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#10
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Snow,
Awe, thanks. I have always wanted to revise this and I am happy to be receiving such thoughtful feedback.  I have missed posting - my muse is still shy after so long, but interacting should help.  I am not sure I will enter the contest - do you have anything to enter? It is ending on Sunday - I will send a reminder again tomorrow or Saturday morning. Cheers, ~Cleo QUOTE (Eisa @ Dec 13 15, 18:09 ) Wow! Lori ,you are great at inventing these forms. This is great!
I cannot add any more in the way of suggestions - Luce has said it all. I'll be back to read again, when time allows. Well done, Lori - please post some more. I've missed you! Snow I hope you'll enter this in the Xmas Contest ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Dec 17 15, 20:17
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#11
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Daniel,
Yes, this IS the sample one, the first one I wrote for this form - I will edit it later, but may just keep the original too in that initial posting. I will definitely consider your ideas too as I draft out the revision. Thanks so much and Merry Christmas! ~Cleo QUOTE (JustDaniel @ Dec 15 15, 08:55 ) Hey, Lori... Nice to see this one again. Isn't it your example piece down in Karnak for the form? if so, and you revise it, I guess you'll have to go back and revise it there too? Just a few quickie thoughts: QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Dec 11 15, 08:17 ) Nature's King The firs rise touching star-twinkled skies to add to others' suggestions, maybe "sequined" ? standing vigil o'er evening's glow wrapped in sparkling charms of glitter gold, ashen snow I'm not sure "ashen" is the right word. To me it connotes "grey" ? embraces kisses of crimson berries below where silver cherubs rejoice and sing How about "silver-winged doves" ? ...symbols of joy to bring ... and replace "joy" with "peace" ? Nature's King. deLighting in the journey, Daniel ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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