The Mammogram Options

[mayo]

The Mammogram

A stranger’s cold hands lift
what ought to have been
my children’s latch and linger
onto the shiny steel plate.
With gentle clicks, yes gentle,
and talk of the weather,
she presses me into frozen flowers.

My breasts have always conspired
against me, first too small
to gain scrutiny, then too full
to be so empty
in a ha ha you can’t catch me
that didn’t escape my notice.

When two women came to
consult with me, I knew.
I had walked this path before
when folly made a fool of me
and careless rolls in the hay
led to cancer of the cunt.

You cringe at such a word?

I have distanced myself
from my vulgar prostrations.
I am cells that forgot to
leave the party
still dancing and drinking
much too late for my own good.

First my cervix, now my breasts,
most men would see this as
my womanhood laid bare,
a day’s work for a surgeon
who repeatedly forgets my name.

I mark it as one more gasp for air.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Mayo,

This is a very deep, well written expression. If this is true to life, I am so sorry.

I'll be back if I can think of any suggestions - (and yes, I cringed at that word as I don't normally see it in poetry).

The reality of the 'just a day's work' is so true for some surgeons. I was lucky to have one who is very personable to her patients (breast cancer in 2006).

I'll be back to re-read this one. Do you find that men generally think the narrator as "laid bare" because of these life-occurances?

~Cleo

[Cleo_Serapis]

P.S. Just a reminder that you need to wait 2 days between 'new topic' postings with the 2 crits to other's posts for each one you post as well. I don;t see an issue with the 2 crits per post, but I do see several poems posted here in Seren's that are not spaced in that 2 day wait period. There is a link at the top of each forum which details those 'participation rules'. If you have any questions, please ask.

[mayo]

This is a poem. As such I am looking for any kind of feedback.

I do not write confessional poetry if I can help it. I am very sorry for your experience but am happy to know that you are well today.

In addition, if I am to stay, I am sure that you will find that I will comment far more times to other posts that I will request comment. Not that my comments have been all that welcomed yet, but we will see.

[Alan]

Dear Mayo,

I too cringe at the word, it is one past what I would use except in very special upsets.

Also, I cringe, because for me it totally tilts the poem. I do understand that you are trying to use strong emotion, and that is OK with me, but the word sort of stops me being able to "receive" your art.

So my point is that it is actually counterproductive for you.

Love
Alan

Btw, you are welcome to comment in any of my threads, I always appreciate someone taking the time to contribute to me.

[mayo]

Thank you Alan for the read and comments. I am curious as to your age and where you come from. I do think that matters went confronted by some words. I wasn't really going for 'strong emotion' there but rather a kind of brutality. I understand your offense and have duly noted it. Where I have workshopped this elsewhere that came across well.

Pardon me while I learn the type of readers and poets we have here on this site. I certainly am not out to offend.

mayo

[Psyche]

Hi Mayo,

Unusual poem, this one. Its striking reality carries a strong punch. I like it. Few women would not feel that you've expressed some or all of their experiences in straightforward language laced with poetic irony. No matter what your intentions were, I guess its what the readers feel that counts. Well, everything counts.

The Mammogram

A stranger’s cold hands lift
what ought to have been
my children’s latch and linger
onto the shiny steel plate.
With gentle clicks, yes gentle,
and talk of the weather,
she presses me into frozen flowers.

My breasts have always conspired
against me, first too small
to gain scrutiny, then too full
to be so empty
in a ha ha you can’t catch me
that didn’t escape my notice.

The above S is so true. Apparently womens' breasts should adapt to their blasted machines: too small or too big is always the complaint from the technician. Never right! They don't appreciate the beauty in diversity...


When two women came to
consult with me, I knew.
I had walked this path before
when folly made a fool of me
and careless rolls in the hay
led to cancer of the cunt.

You cringe at such a word?

Good allits in the above S. I honestly can't think of a better word for 'cunt' the way you've arranged your lines. Personally, I would remove the question. Let readers have their say, if they wish. Its an old word, so I don't believe its generationally important. I can think of lots of up-to-date alternatives, but they would ruin the allit.

I have distanced myself
from my vulgar prostrations.
I am cells that forgot to
leave the party
still dancing and drinking
much too late for my own good.

This is excellent..! Highly original as well as a bit fantasmagoric


First my cervix, now my breasts,
most men would see this as
my womanhood laid bare,
a day’s work for a surgeon
who repeatedly forgets my name.

I honestly don't know what men would construe from cervix and breasts laid bare under these conditions. Hopefully, some would be sympathetic. I like the part about the surgeon. Again, a harsh belting from your poem.

I mark it as one more gasp for air.

Although I'm not sure whether I understand your finale altogether, nonetheless it fits well with the rest of your powerful mode of expression.

Altogether an impressive piece. I haven't been around much lately, hope to catch up gradually.
Psyche

[JLY]

Dear Mayo:

First of all your poem is riveting in several different ways; first off the raw emotion of dealing with these serious medical issues and then the "c" word. Only a woman could get away in using that word.

If a man even verbalizes it, he is met with such disdain and piercing, dagger-like looks. I remember I uttered that word in a fit of rage with my wife and she took me to great task.

Your poem captures universal moments in images that we can identify with.

A stranger's cold hands - you start off with an image that everyone can relate to; I have heard my wife and female friends complain about that part of the experience

talk of the weather, - isn't this a universal theme, everyone talks about the weather to distract us from the discomfort or annoyance of an exam or challenging experience

first too small
to gain scrutiny, - size is something both men and women lament...we all do our self-assessments and are always unhappy when we feel we don't measure up to someone's else's expectations

careless rolls in the hay
led to cancer of the cunt.--no matter what the illness, for men it could be prostate cancer, we look to blame ourselves and our previous lifestye, though in reality, cancer is unexplained and getting it is the luck of the draw

You cringe at such a word? I do cringe at the sight of this word


a day's work for a surgeon
who repeatedly forgets my name. - We are just a number to many surgeons, very few take a true interest in their patient...I have had 10 surgeries, and facing #11; I have been lucky in that my surgeons took a personal interest in me, but oftentimes their workload doesn't afford them that opportunity....you have captured this occurence in real terms

Your ability to share your emotions openly will give credence to you ability to continue to be an exceptional writer.

JLY

[mayo]

Thank you both for the comments on this poem.

I want to say again that I don't often write confessional poetry and I would go as far as saying one should never assume that any of my poetry is a spilling of my own guts. I am more of a portrait poet, a story poet, a snapshot poet. I gather stories, happenings, observations and give them a body to live in. First person works great to do that but I also use a more distanced third person when it would make more sense for the subject.

That being said, I am glad that folks think that I have shared my emotions effectively. It makes me feel like I have captured something universal in the telling. I was hoping that this character could stand the first person telling because of her strength. That is what I am getting at in the last lines. She is actively breathing, making the choice to live not to wallow and submit to her dis-ease. I hope that helps you, Psyche, understand the ending a bit.

The stanza about the breasts. You, JLY, read that right. This is not about a technician's complaint, but rather the woman's observation about her own breasts. I had hoped that it didn't come across as whiney, but rather helped developed her kind of matter-of-fact statement of her version of fact.

As far as the cervical cancer reference ( the c-word declaration), I do mean that it is a result of careless sex. I am unapologetic on that part. Over 90% of cervical cancer is a result of a sexually transmitted disease. Again, this character is well aware of her part in this story. Blaming oneself and owning up to one's responsibilities have a slightly different connotation. If she is coming across as weak, whoa is me, kind of gal I am failing her.

I want her to be honest. If she feels honest to the reader than I have painted her well, warts and all. (pun intended)

[Guest_menoh_*]

"My breasts have always conspired
against me, first too small
to gain scrutiny, then too full
to be so empty"

I don't believe I have ever witnessed breasts being personified like this before. I agree with many on this forum that this poem is touching, raw, and powerful. The language, being coarse and honest reflects cancer itself, coarse, painful, and without mystery. It is there, we see it, and can happen to us all (well certain kinds I mean). There is perhaps also a commentary on doctor-patient relations, especially a male doctor who could not begin to comprehend the pain you are in, and does not offer comfort, failing to realize that someone human is under all the cancer. Very good read.

[mayo]

Thank you, menoh, for your comment. It always helps me as a writer to see the sections that a reader has pointed out. I end up learning more about my poem and poetry.

mayo

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Mayo, Very well done indeed. Like others have said already, you have captured a rawness, and personified the character. Unfortunately after having talked to many Doctors, I realize that they are not necessarily cold hearted people, but that they have to distance themselves from their patients or they would go crazy from all the ill people they see every day. Cancer is not the only thing to worry about in free sexual abandonment, STD's and AIDS are others, and possibly unwanted pregnancy.
If one is going to indulge, then measure should be taken by both parties to prevent any such occurances. Great write.
Steve

[vessq]

Hi Mayo,

You do manage to stir things up. I suspect watching the pot boil furiously amuses you.

You are also a good writer. I read the poem several times and all the comments. I have little to add except to agree that the word cunt is an ugly word. This poem, however, is about a ugly subjects on several levels.

When healers become mechanics and begin to view their patients as problems to solve instead of people, is only one of the levels.

Society causing the size of a woman's breasts or the shape of her ass to become a self esteem issue is another.

Causing our own health problems by foolish or careless behavior and being honest enough to admit it, is another level.

Good work, I admire the poem and enjoyed the comments it drew.

Vess

[mayo]

Thank you Steve and Vess for you thoughts on this poem and for your personal commentary.

I am surprised that folks here think that I am criticizing the medical community. This is not a poem about that.

I am also surprised that people think that this is a women that has self-esteem problems about her breasts. I really wanted her to come across as someone who is matter of fact. Breasts do make a difference is society, but making a difference to me does not me a self-criticism. I wanted that stanza about breasts to help develop her character, which I wanted to show as strong.

All the comments on this poem are fascinating to me. Again they help me look at whether my intentions are coming across.

mayo