Losing Aphrodite, Transitions Options

[jeannefiedler]

Aphrodite was a beautiful queen
a dangerous offspring
living in the physical plane

Woe were her dark and blackened
temptations
but her glamour left them unattended
What folly!

I want to rise above the physical
the blackness
my heart is pure
everything I touch
laugh and love

Only love can radiate
true beauty

The soul speaks
the loudest

Love transforms us
We can transcend the myths
of seduction and romance
and become lucid in our
spirit

Steady grace and compassion
to metamorphasize
into the transcendence
of wisdom and innocence

We are reborn into a world
of humanism
Where we find our
true soulmates

This post has been edited by jeannefiedler: May 9 09, 17:32

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Jeanne, First let me say welcome to MM. Would you be so kind as to go to the intro forum and tell us about yourself. Please don't forget to read the posting rules about posting to two others in this forum and then two days before posting again.

Now to your piece, I am really glad to have someone new that like free verse. I noticed that you used caps, but no other punctuation. Which is ok, because you used line breaks and white space to work as punctuation. But if your going to use caps why not use all? I liked the message here, that love transforms and overcomes. I wonder if you might not trim some of the "the" out. I find I do that a lot when writing, then when I type it I try to eliminate a lot, becoming more minimalist.

Aphrodite was a beautiful queen
a dangerous offspring
living in the physical plane

Woe were her dark and blackened
temptations
but her glamour left them unattended Are you from the UK? glamour...colour etc...lol.
What folly!

I want to rise above the physical
the blackness here I am not so sure about this 'the' could go either way.
my heart is pure
everything I touch
laugh and love

Only love can radiate
true beauty

The soul speaks
the loudest here is one you could get rid of

Love transforms us
We can transcend the myths and here
of seduction and romance
and become lucid in our You could ditch the 'and' here
spirit

Steady grace and compassion
to metamorphasize
into the transcendence get rid of 'the' and the 'of' on next line, line break can act as a comma.
of wisdom and innocence

We are reborn into a world
of humanism
Where we find our
true soulmates

Other than these small nits, I really enjoyed the read. These are all MHO and you can use or disregard any as it is your poem. I hope to see more from you.

Steve

[Psyche]

Hi Jeanne, and another warm welcome to MM!

Let's see this attractive piece you've posted, please take or toss whatever I might say!


Aphrodite was a beautiful queen
a dangerous offspring
living in the physical plane

I know Aphrodite abandoned Mt. Olympus when she fell in love with Adonis. Still, I hadn't imagined her living in the physical plane. She was certainly dangerous...LOL... seduced & made love with dozens, and even had lots of offspring! Altho' I don't mind lack of punctuation, I think this poem would benefit with some. But I won't suggest where unless you let us know your preferences.

Woe were her dark and blackened <<<<<<<I think just 'dark' is enough here. And move 'temptations' up a line.

temptations
but her glamour left them unattended
What folly!

I'm not sure I understand this S. By 'temptations', do you mean her lovers? Because the subject of these lines is certainly 'temptations', but I can't visualize temptations being left unattended.

I want to rise above the physical
the blackness
my heart is pure
everything I touch
laugh and love

Here you've made a radical swing towards the poetical 'I', which could mean yourself, but not necessarily. I also think this S would benefit by punctuation. Will await your answer.

Only love can radiate
true beauty

The soul speaks
the loudest

Love transforms us
We can transcend the myths
of seduction and romance
and become lucid in our
spirit

Steady grace and compassion
to metamorphasize
into the transcendence
of wisdom and innocence

We are reborn into a world
of humanism
Where we find our
true soulmates

Thank you for the read, Jeanne. There's much spirituality in this poem, tho' I confess to not understanding all of it.
Don't know where and when we find our true soulmates...LOL....As you mention 'a world of humanism', I wonder whether you mean a different world from this one we all live on?

I'd love a bit of explanation from you!
Thanks for sharing, and another warm welcome,
Sylvia***

[vessq]

Hi Jeanne,

Welcome.

I have only technical suggestions and will make them if you promise to ignore anything that does not suit you. Always follow your own instincts and never hesitate to reject mine.

Drop (the) in front of louder. Drop (can) in front of transcend. Trade and for to in front of become lucid. drop (to) in front of metamorphasize.

Good work. Keep sending poems. I will read them and comment when I think it will help.

Vess

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hello Jeanne,

Welcome to MM. I love the mythological characters so this poem intrigues me straight away!

I'm not an expert in free verse, but will attempt to offer some thoughts for you below on this first reading. Please do take or toss anything you wish.

[add] {delete}

Aphrodite was a beautiful queen
a dangerous offspring
living in the physical plane

Totally preferences here but I suggest deleting 'was a' in L1 above so it would look like this:
Aphrodite, beautiful queen
a dangerous offspring
living in the physical plane


Woe were her dark and blackened (maybe bleak instead of dark)
temptations
but her glamour left them unattended
What folly!
Hmm, here i suggest adding alliteration if you agree and shifting the lines to create a longer pause for readers. Add that endstop after the word unattended and I suggest changing L1 a bit for gramatics:
Bleak and blackened temptations
were her woes
but her glamour
left them unattended.
What folly!

I want to rise above the physical[,]
the blackness[...]
my heart is pure[-]
everything I touch
laugh and love
Suggest switching love and laugh for a smoother sound here.

Only love can radiate
true beauty

The soul speaks
{the} loudest

Love transforms us[;]
We can transcend the myths
of seduction and romance
and become lucid in our
spirit
I like the idea if this stanza but wonder if there is an easier way to express this without seeming to be narrating it? Perhaps utilize some inner rhymes or alliteration?

Steady grace and compassion
to metamorphasize
into the transcendence
of wisdom and innocence
This stanza is a mouthful: is there another way to phrase this? Morph transcendence into wisdom ?

We are reborn into a world
of humanism
where we find our
true soulmates[.]

As a reader, I want to see a few more poetic tools employed in free verse since there aren't specific parameters to follow as with form poetry. I like the idea of this - soulmates transcending time and such, however, I feel as though I was not left with too much to ponder on my own - to let the thoughts linger over the possibility of kismet.

Hoping to return again soon to this one!
~Cleo

[mayo]

well done. can't wait to see what you have to say about your feedback. Are you particularly interested in mythology or do you write of other things too? I think you used your lines breaks well in the absence of punctuation.