Such a load to bear
Those eyes so weary
Of long hours
Trying to be
The man of the house.

For the many
That depend
On your shadow existing,
Know not your dreams
As you are
But a tool.

Your father’s crime
Became your punishment
As he died
And left his
Heavy yoke
For untrained shoulders.

Antonio, hi, first thing I notice in your piece is your use of capitalization, I know there are a lot of people that will say that is a classic way of writing. But to a lot of us it is a bit of a distraction. I think this needs some punctuation also to help.

Such a load to bear, comma here
those eyes so weary
of long hours. full stop here
Trying to be
the man of the house. I think you could get rid of the first 'the'.

For the manyget rid of 'the'
that depend
on your shadow existing. change the comma to a full stop
Know not your dreams
as you are
but a tool.I am unsure of exactly what you are trying to get across here, this is very vague to me.

Your father’s crime
became your punishment,comma
as he died maybe 'when he died?'
and left his
heavy yoke
for untrained shoulders.

I like the implications of your message, I wonder if it might be extended and/or have just a little more depth. This is of course MHO and you may use or not as you wish.

Steve

Welcome, Antonio!

I think Steve's given you an excellent critique here. Personally, I'd go for a slightly more aggressive edit though. A few words, and indeed a few lines could go without taking away from the poem -I take the liberty of this savage edit as I know that you know what to expect from me - :

A load to bear;
eyes weary
of trying hours:
to be man of
the house.

For the many
that depend
on your shadow
know not
your dreams.

Your father’s crime:
punishment.
He died
and left his
yoke
for your untrained
shoulders.


I hope this helps. Mark

Thanks to you both. I like your critiques and will take them seriously into consideration. Mark, thanks a bunch, i really like your edit. I shall use this edit on your old home.

Hi Antonio,

This is good. Mark did an excellent critique as did Steve. The only comment I have is to point out that use of qualifiers in a poem simply clutters it up.

For example, eyes so weary (as Marc pointed out) works better without the (so). I would suggest editing your poem to get rid of any word that does not advance the work.

I do not necessarily agree with Steve's objection over punctuation and the use of capitals to start each line. I like using line breaks for punctuation and eliminating punctuation that is not needed to direct a reader when possible. I think unnecessary punctuation, like unnecessary words, simply clutters up a poem.

Steve has helped me with his comments because I often go too far eliminating words and punctuation. It is a personal preference. A writer should always follow their own instinct and ignore any criticism that conflicts with that instinct.

I have attended and lead poetry workshops (without portfolio, as I am not educated as a scholar or a teacher) for over thirty years and still need good critics like Marc and Steve because I am often blind to flaws in my own work until they point them out.

Good work. Keep writing, I will read and comment when I think it will help.

Vess

The first real change that I would suggest is in getting rid of the capitals at the start of each line. I don't think that it serves this poem well. In addition, the second stanza was a confusion for me. Are you saying that the "many" know not your dreams? Or are you making a command to "know not your dreams." If it is the former an addition of "they" before "know". If it is the latter than I am not sure how I would fix it. I would suggest you take a look at that part.

For the many
That depend
On your shadow existing,
Know not your dreams
As you are
But a tool.

I really loved the last lines. This poem really spoke to me as my partner is dealing with the loss of his father. I picture you speaking of a younger boy without a father. Boys need their dads.