Theatre's Closed ~ REVISED, rhyme & rhythm Options

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Theatre's Closed ~ Revision 1

I hear last curtain call,
lost time will take command;
we played among soft shadows
I couldn't understand.

Final act not written;
the world will never see,
how it might have ended
or what this meant to me.

Playwrights uncommitted,
actors trapped by fate,
backdrops incomplete,
scripts arriving late.

The theatre is empty,
I'll not live in a cage;
I'm turning in my costume
and walking off the stage.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Dec 2005

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Theatre's Closed ~ Original

I hear the curtain call,
time will take command,
playing for soft shadows;
right out of my hands.

Final act not written;
the world will never see,
how it might have ended,
was it even meant to be?

Playwrights uncommitted,
actors bound by fate,
backdrops uncompleted,
scripts arrived too late.

The theatre is empty;
our show was not the rage.
I'm turning in my costume
and walking off the stage.

Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Dec 2005

[Guest_Don_*]

Cathy,

Very good, it lilts along nicely.  

I would change "uncompleted" to "incomplete" or "unfinished."

Thanks for the wonderful read.

Don    

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Don,

Very good, it lilts along nicely.  

Thank you!

I would change "uncompleted" to "incomplete" or "unfinished."

I can do that. *smiles*

Thanks for the wonderful read.

Your welcome!  Thanks for dropping in to comment.

Cathy

[Guest_Nina_*]

Hi Cathy

This feels very sad.  I get an image of you standing on stage on your own, in a splendid costume, with the unfinished backdrop, staring out at an empty deserted theatre.  You wait and wait till eventually you take of your costume put on ordinary clothes and walk sadly off the stage.

Final act not written;
the world will never see,
how it might have ended,
was it even meant to be?  ..this last line feels too long, perhaps leave out even.

Thanks for the read

Nina

[jgdittier]

Dear Cathy,
Your short lines tell us all we need to know and IMO are precious as you imply confidence in the reader to understand your thrust and subconsciously add the minor words that could be there.
Once the imagination is spurred by those short lines, it's not far to see the scenes on our eyelids. I almost feel the cold in that empty theater.
Cheers,    Ron   jgd
ps- My feel for the spirits of the writer is that he's fully accepted the fact that the show's a failure and probably ready to try again. There's no feeling of sorry that I perceive.

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Nina,

This feels very sad.  I get an image of you standing on stage on your own, in a splendid costume, with the unfinished backdrop, staring out at an empty deserted theatre.  You wait and wait till eventually you take of your costume put on ordinary clothes and walk sadly off the stage.

I think I'd walk off the stage before removing my costume, not that it would matter since the place is empty ... but propriety you know!  lol

Final act not written;
the world will never see,
how it might have ended,
was it even meant to be?  ..this last line feels too long, perhaps leave out even.

I agree ... thanks!

Thanks for the read

Your welcome!  Thanks for commenting!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Ron,

Your short lines tell us all we need to know and IMO are precious as you imply confidence in the reader to understand your thrust and subconsciously add the minor words that could be there.

Thank you!  I'm glad that the idea is clear even though it wasn't written to be spelled out.  *smiles*

Once the imagination is spurred by those short lines, it's not far to see the scenes on our eyelids. I almost feel the cold in that empty theater.

I accomplished what I set out to then.  Thanks!

Cheers,    Ron   jgd
ps- My feel for the spirits of the writer is that he's fully accepted the fact that the show's a failure and probably ready to try again. There's no feeling of sorry that I perceive.

There is now.  This was written about the anger phase and I'm not sure it will ever be accepted.  Maybe 'resigned' is a better word?

Thanks for your perceptive comments!

Cathy

[jgdittier]

Dear Cathy,
I may have been wrong about the dejection and anger, but you could still make me right. How's about another go!
Cheers,    ron  jgd
WS once said I think in Julius Caesar something about "sterner stuff".

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Ron,

I may have been wrong about the dejection and anger, but you could still make me right. How's about another go!

We shall see ... *smiles*

Cheers,    ron  jgd
WS once said I think in Julius Caesar something about "sterner stuff".

I believe you are right.  And I am working on it!  lol

[AMETHYST]

Theatre's Closed

I hear the curtain call,
time will take command,
playing for soft shadows;
right out of my hands.

I think the image this introduces to the reader is strong, I've read this 3 times before now and each time, the image it paints, grows or changes slightly in my mind's eye. I would suggest changing the ';' at end of L3 to a simple comma


Final act not written;
the world will never see,
how it might have ended,
was it even meant to be?

Playwrights uncommitted,
actors bound by fate,
backdrops uncompleted,
scripts arrived too late.

Great second and third stanzas.

The theatre is empty;
our show was not the rage.
I'm turning in my costume
and walking off the stage.

This ending brings it all together. I thought perhaps L2 could be a little stronger, but I cannot think of a better substitute ...

If I do I will return, or perhaps it will grow on me! Either way, you've done a marvelous job keeping a fresh offering to the reader on a overly done subject. Good work.

Hugs, Liz


Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Dec 2005

Hi Cathy,

Another lovely write from you. I am beginning to find myself looking for your next work. You've introduced me to the Lira, and have stirred my muse on several accounts with your lovely voice and skill.

I enjoyed reading this and although, I hadn't really found anything major to pick at, I will lend some thoughts stanza in stanza.

Best wishes and happy new years to you and your family, Liz

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Cathy ... very nice lilt to it ,, sort of whe are the palyers and all the world our stage.....very well done.
Steve

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Liz,

Theatre's Closed

I hear the curtain call,
time will take command,
playing for soft shadows;
right out of my hands.

L>> I think the image this introduces to the reader is strong, I've read this 3 times before now and each time, the image it paints, grows or changes slightly in my mind's eye. I would suggest changing the ';' at end of L3 to a simple comma

I'm glad it can produce different images each time you read it.  That will keep it from becoming boring and possibly make it more meaningful to other readers as well.


Final act not written;
the world will never see,
how it might have ended,
was it even meant to be?

Playwrights uncommitted,
actors bound by fate,
backdrops uncompleted,
scripts arrived too late.

L>> Great second and third stanzas.

Thanks!

The theatre is empty;
our show was not the rage.
I'm turning in my costume
and walking off the stage.

L>> This ending brings it all together. I thought perhaps L2 could be a little stronger, but I cannot think of a better substitute ...

I haven't been able to bring myself to rework this one till now so we'll see where it goes.  *smiles*

L>> If I do I will return, or perhaps it will grow on me! Either way, you've done a marvelous job keeping a fresh offering to the reader on a overly done subject. Good work.

Hugs, Liz

Thank you!


Cathy Bollhoefer
copyright Dec 2005

L>> Hi Cathy,

Another lovely write from you. I am beginning to find myself looking for your next work. You've introduced me to the Lira, and have stirred my muse on several accounts with your lovely voice and skill.

Oh my!    Thank you!

L>> I enjoyed reading this and although, I hadn't really found anything major to pick at, I will lend some thoughts stanza in stanza.

I appreciate your thoughts as always!

L>> Best wishes and happy new years to you and your family, Liz

Thank you, and to you as well!

Cathy

[Guest_Cathy_*]

Hi Steve,

Cathy ... very nice lilt to it ,, sort of whe are the palyers and all the world our stage.....very well done.
Steve

Thanks!  And thank you for dropping in to take a peek!

Cathy