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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Destination

Posted by: Nina Dec 31 05, 18:06

Destination

I ride forwards
on yesterday’s winds,
propelled into uncertainty
by life’s variable currents.

Perpetual movement
fragments action
into a shower
of fading memories.

Forgotten dreams
echo in shadowy space:
dust particles
blown beyond reach
by turbulent winds.

I travel onwards to tomorrow;
time slipping speedily
through spanned fingers
as I close the distance
on my destination.

One last breath gasped
before oblivion.

~

copyright Nina 2005

Nina

Posted by: Jox Dec 31 05, 21:51

Hi Nina,

I've read this (thank you very much) and will try to get my brain in gear later today, after my trip to Surrey.

Take care, J.

Posted by: Nina Jan 1 06, 01:35

Thanks J

Enjoy your trip to Surrey

Nina

Posted by: ohsteve Jan 1 06, 21:41

nina....instead of
Perpetual movement
fragments (action) .........why not use cascade seems to me to read better.
into a shower
of fading memories.

Other than that one wordd it reads very welland has some good imagry ...Steve

Posted by: Nina Jan 2 06, 01:29

Hi Steve

nina....instead of
Perpetual movement
fragments (action) .........why not use cascade seems to me to read better.
into a shower
of fading memories

thanks very much for the suggestion though I feel it slightly changes the image I'm trying to convey of the action breaking up into pieces. When you look back and remember an event, you rarely remember the whole thing just bits of it that made an impression.

>S>Other than that one wordd it reads very welland has some good imagry ...Steve

thank you very much

Nina

Posted by: Toumai Jan 2 06, 04:17

Hi Nina

Ah well, we'll all get there some day ...

I ride forwards
on yesterday’s winds, --- nice use of yesterday/forwards
propelled into uncertainty --- soooo true!
by life’s variable currents. --- sounds like a bit of chaos theory there :)

Perpetual movement
fragments action
into a shower
of fading memories. --- interesting image; very original

Forgotten dreams
echo in shadowy space: --- yep, that's my mind
dust particles
blown beyond reach
by turbulent winds. --- another nice image of us grasping around for something we once looked for

I travel onwards to tomorrow;
time slipping speedily
through spanned fingers --- scary stuff; brill
as I close the distance
on my destination.

One last breath gasped
before oblivion. --- so make the most of the journey?

Original and powerful take on the idea, thanks.

One tiny nit: you use "winds" in S1 L2 and again S3 L5 (you could maybe change the 2nd to simply turbulence?)

Fran

Posted by: Nina Jan 2 06, 04:38

Hi Fran

>F>Ah well, we'll all get there some day ...

unfortunately we do indeed and each second we move closer, a cheerful thought not!

I ride forwards
on yesterday’s winds, --- nice use of yesterday/forwards
propelled into uncertainty --- soooo true!
by life’s variable currents. --- sounds like a bit of chaos theory there

that's life though isn't, totally chaotic

Perpetual movement
fragments action
into a shower
of fading memories. --- interesting image; very original

thank you

Forgotten dreams
echo in shadowy space: --- yep, that's my mind

yup, mine too, far to much shadowy space and cobwebs gathering

dust particles
blown beyond reach
by turbulent winds. --- another nice image of us grasping around for something we once looked for

thanks

I travel onwards to tomorrow;
time slipping speedily
through spanned fingers --- scary stuff; brill
as I close the distance
on my destination.

time has this scary habit of slipping through one's fingers before you turn round to take breath. Where did 2005 go so quickly and the older you get the faster time appears to pass.

One last breath gasped
before oblivion. --- so make the most of the journey?

indeed

>F>Original and powerful take on the idea, thanks.

thank you very much

>F>One tiny nit: you use "winds" in S1 L2 and again S3 L5 (you could maybe change the 2nd to simply turbulence?)

drat! I had that originally as breeze and forgot the reason behind it so changed it to winds. I think turbulence would work well, thank you.

Thanks very much for your comments.

Nina