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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ removed

Posted by: Cyn Feb 16 07, 20:30

[removed

Posted by: Siren Feb 17 07, 04:04

Hello Cyn,

I love the style this is written in and the topic itself. The title is wonderful.

I will be back with detailed thoughts.

Hugs
Dani

Posted by: Cyn Feb 18 07, 14:49

Thanks for reading Dani, I'll look forward to your thoughts on this

Posted by: Gregory Feb 19 07, 09:16

Cyn, this is on first reading, rather delightful, it has whimsy, pathos and relentlessness. I will give it a bit more analysis soon, but I have to say the honesty of putting together pink toilet tissue with an old relationship is gorgeously dead-pan. I thought it could be shortened, stanza's 4 and 5 are relatively weak and could be cut without losing the intention of the poem, which in the first 3 stanzas is most elequently worded. The 4th and last stanza could easily be the 6th starting with "You hold on too long but how you lighten your step..." etc. The last lines kick-ass. Cheers, will return, Gregory

Posted by: azurepoetry Feb 20 07, 14:55

Cyn,

There are too many promises on this thread and i am notorously bad at fulfilling mine, so i will return tonight to offer my thoughts; i am off to return to work shortly.

If Gregory is correct about this poem's third layer with regards to a loving relationship in cessation, then i missed that in my first two reads trying to connect the natural cycles of death and rebirth and need to print this for further thought.

Beautiful,
~tim

Posted by: AMETHYST Feb 20 07, 19:10

Hi Cyn,

I printed this out on Saturday Morning, and have been reading it over, and over, and over again-most likely to reread it again ... then perhaps again. The title is a wonderful lead in to an even more spectacular poem. The depth of your descriptives and the poignant feel of the poem is applaudable. It is quite difficult to really come up with anything negative to say or anything to pick at.

So I will go stanza to stanza and the few couple of nibbles I might suggest, and for the many things I felt were skillfully and carefully weaved in to associate the subject, the underlying emotions and the fullness of the read. At poem's end I felt excited at images, the lines and how even your line breaks were methodically considered to enhance the flow and meaning of many images.

Let's move on to the stanza's ...

Hugs, Liz

PS Excellent Poetry!

QUOTE

Climacteric

You woke today to an ache
you thought was gone, that season
already mourned and put aside,
flushed away like pink-tinged tissue.

I liked the idea of associating a bad time in the subjects life with 'an ache' thought to have been gone. Perhaps a bad time of loss, illness, death, relationship discord and how endings are. The image of L4, is striking. A precise visual for a healed wound. No nits.

It’s a late March snow, in February, far
too early to be so transient, yet
its whitewash not unwelcome to the grime
of the fading season. Even now

Perhaps "A late March snow, in February, far (good choice of line break here)
too early to be so transient, yet

as wasps come out of the woodwork, stumble
drunkenly useless on stone gray floors, winter begins
its end, always before you are ready, always
before your mind has softened to the idea.

Loved 'winter begins/its end," In L3, I would suggest omitting one of the always, perhaps the second, as the line will smoothly flow -
its end, always before you are ready,
before your mind has softened to the idea.

You hold on too long, as if letting go
will lose…. something. What?
The lightness that comes with first snow?
That anticipation of the clean and cold, the muffled

This stanza could be a poem all on its own. This is my favorite. The profound thought of letting go, the truth of fearing to lose something in the letting go-Great image.

and muffed, safely layered in wool and white?
It’s not that you dread the beginning
of the new, but the ending
of the old. How you lighten your step

Again, another powerful truth. Full and sharp in contrast to the somber tone there after.

when the earth is young, green rising.
How you whistle so you can see your breath
in the first frosty days of fall, and mourn
that last leaf’s bright tumble
from graceless gray.

L4, perhaps ... in the first frosty days of fall, and grieve/that last leaf's bright tumble/from graceless gray.
AWESOME IMAGE. AND AWESOME ENDING. My suggestion for substituting mourn is for 2 good reasons. The first, is you've used mourn in S1, which is strong there, both sonically and in meaning. While grieve has a nice assonance with leaf's, and the alliteration with graceless gray seems to flutter off the tongue so nicely, while adding a more defined meaning to the ending. Just a thought.

Well Cyn, I am sorry I couldn't offer more here. This poem is as close to a perfect potential and you really didn't leave much to nit pick at ...

Hugs and thumbs up on this one! Liz ...

Posted by: AMETHYST Feb 20 07, 19:15

Gregory Wrote:

QUOTE

of putting together pink toilet tissue with an old relationship is gorgeously

After reading this I went into a full seizure of laughter-that I couldn't catch my breath! I loved it! I think you typed a typo-Cyn didn't mean 'pink toilet tissue,' but pink tinged tissue (that very pink new flesh that is left on a scar that has lost it's scab and is new in its healed state... But toilet tissue in pink is rather interesting!

Posted by: Cyn Feb 23 07, 10:52

Hi all
This has been revised some

I much appreciate everyone's close read of this. Gregory, I like the duality of your interpretation, a metaphor for a "flushed" relationship.
Liz, he is actually correct about the toilet tissue (picture it tinged with pink), but I left that purposely vague so that it could be interpreted several ways. Climacteric means "change of life". The phrase can be literal (menopausal) in this poem, or seen as a metaphor for change.

Thanks for the nom. I hope the revised piece still meets your nomination standards.
Cyn

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 23 07, 11:35

Greetings, Cyn...

Sorry I'm the late comer here; when I did my voting it became obvious to me that my memory of having posted here to your piece was incorrect! I still don't have anything constructive to add to it, since it's already constructed much better than I can do free verse, so I can't really offer a single nit to pick at.

I really love the fresh take that you have on seasonal change; this particular viewpoint is not something that I've read personally... and the metaphor the the beginning of the end or the beginning of a completely new phase calling for the letting go of the previous one(s) is quite telling with your words... chilling even with a touch of warmth.

I also like the fact that you're speaking in the second person, which could either be the narrator talking to herself or to another. That duality alone is masterfully done!

I did understand this on first read, by the way... and the duality of it as well.

deLighting always to read you, Daniel 8)

P.S. I actually could see the wasp, by the way... and it brought back memories. Great detail!

Posted by: Cyn Feb 23 07, 12:13

Hi Daniel

You HAVE commented on this on PT and I have just been remiss in responding there (yet) Thanks for weighing in here. Yes I am sure you can see the wasps. I am glad the image rang true.

Posted by: jgdittier Feb 23 07, 14:07

Dear Cyn,
I'm limited pretty much to R&M but if I could write like you, I'd swear off rhymezone.
Cheers, Ron jgd

Posted by: Cyn Feb 23 07, 15:39

What a sweet thing to say!

Posted by: AMETHYST Feb 26 07, 19:56

QUOTE

Liz, he is actually correct about the toilet tissue (picture it tinged with pink), but I left that purposely vague so that it could be interpreted several ways. Climacteric means "change of life". The phrase can be literal (menopausal) in this poem, or seen as a metaphor for change.

Thanks for the nom. I hope the revised piece still meets your nomination standards.
Cyn

Oh My Cyn,

See what my old age is doing to me, I read the title, as Climateric (as in having to do with climate) See how red faced and blushing I am! and although I read into the interpretation of 'change of life' I totally missed the reference to pink tinged tissue (asociating the image to the prior one) I am going to stand on my points of I AM IN DENIAL! :) does that count as an excuse! LOL

These inner references revealed make the poem even that much more profound and notably a success in my 'best of the best list" ...

Excellent Poetry Cyn... Excellent!

Hugs, Liz