EXEMPT, Light Verse - Satire Options

[Alan]

EXEMPT

Our politicians, oh so wise
care deeply for us, that’s not lies;
considerate, they ban that weed
that far too many smokers need.

When we want a refreshing drink
and cigarette, we’ll need to think
of what to buy and where to be,
in this, our country of the free.

Aha, the answer, loud and clear :
become a member, or a peer.
They are exempt, every last bloke
or gal, from politicians’ ban on smoke !

Alan McAlpine Douglas

Written to a picture of Big Ben wreathed in wispy cloud.

[jgdittier]

Dear Alan,
I assume your comments here are factual. We can get away with varainces from fact by use of hyperbole.
Over here tolerance for smoking is diminishing and it's politically correct to restrict smoking to a few locations. Even bars in some towns/states are smoke free and many small businesses force their employees to go outside despite the cold to smoke.
I'm both a non-smoker and a libertarian, so I'm pulled both ways.
We expect cheeseburgers to be banned or regulated next.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Alan.

Oops!

I will unlock this post tomorrow as you've already posted a poem here in Hermes yesterday "Teen Screen Blues" and one must wait 2 days between new topics (along with the 2 crits to others' works).

~Cleo

[Alan]

Dear Ron,

So many laws and regulations are now only "for them" but not for us better people - and they call themselves SOCIALISTS ! Hypocrits more like.

I too am non-smoker and believe in choice, not some officious ***hole laying down restrictive laws which do not apply to himself.

Thank you for the visit.

Love
Alan

[Alan]

Dear Lori,

So many different boards, so many minor diffs in the rules ! Sorry.

Love
Alan

[JustDaniel]

Well-said, Alan...

re meter: last line might be...

or gal... from their own ban on smoke.

to avoid the extra daDUM you have included ?

butting in and braking, producing more smoke, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Damn politics at work again! I hate politicians, LOL! I see you do too Alan.

No worries on the post, it's good to see some anxious to post, rather than the opposite.

I agree with Daniel on the last line, you have an extra daDum going on there. Aside from a few bumps in meter, there are two suggestions I've noted below for you to ponder as you wish.

Our politicians, oh so wise
care deeply for us, that’s not lies; (them ain’t lies)
considerate, they ban that weed
that far too many smokers need.

Aha, the answer, loud and clear :
become a member, or a peer.
They are exempt, every last bloke
or gal, from politicians’ ban on smoke !

If ya can't beat 'em, join 'em... but NOT smoking I hope!

Cheers
~Cleo

[Alan]

Dear Daniel and Lori,

Thank you both - the extra bump in the last line was quite deliberate - and I do think I need the word poitician in there - surely that is a common poetic device, to raise impingement ?

Daniel, I'm shocked - you signed off without a "light" in there somewhere !

Cleo, That is also a good idea re "them", but if I left off the gals, I'd be accused of sexism or a multitude of other mortal sins.

Love
Alan

[TygerTyger]

... but if I left off the gals, I'd be accused of sexism or a multitude of other mortal sins.

Love
Alan

Well, I've found that accusations are a gift from those who are wrong to show you that you're doing something right!

After pondering this one a bit, I would suggest trying some different line breaks to add a bit more poignancy.

Try this on for the first stanza and tell me if you think it works.

Our politicians,
oh, so wise,
care deeply for us,
that's not lies <=we've surmised; ?
as considerately,
they ban that weed
that far too many smokers need.

I think you can take it from here, if you like this suggestion.

As you wish!

Dennis!