Lesson Options

[K.S. Lenk]

Revision

A future is unfixed, like words;
I don't know what I'll say today
and tomorrow my thoughts
may not be uttered, or
perhaps they will.

No eyes can count on signalling
what should be seen or catch
what is desired to be relished;
we wait until the moment's there
to see all is in a blink.

I remember climbing
the steps of the Eiffel Tower;
I hated being out of breath in Paris.
That instance, all senses were
up and ready to absorb a view
that now may never get
the chance to thrill again.

Instead,
I lingered in mortality
and let it flood perception,
let its brutal constraint
break the spell of the occasion.
I uttered unjust words,
I cursed with little knowledge.


---------------------------------

A future is unfixed, like words;
I don't know what I'll say
today and tomorrow my thoughts
may not be uttered, yet perhaps
they will.
No eyes can count on signalling
what should be seen or catch what is
desired to be relished, we wait
until the moment's there and
hope we see that all is in a blink.
I climbed the steps of
Eiffel and remember hating
being out of breath in Paris;
that instance, all senses were
up and ready to absorb
a view that now may never
get the chance to thrill
again. Instead,
I lingered in mortality
and let it flood perception,
let its brutal constraint
break the spell of the occasion.
I uttered unjust words, I cursed
with little knowledge.

[K.S. Lenk]

I forgot to add the critique level after the title, but I welcome feedback.

[greenwich]

Could we have a title. This is very deep and rewarding, but it needs some punctuation to break up the thoughts, which appear to be dense like an epiphany into recent events in Paris or in general the unsafe World we reside in

[K.S. Lenk]

I agree Greenwich, punctuation was needed.
Thank you. I revised and hope this works better.

The title is Lesson. It was there before.

Regards,
K.

[greenwich]

Possibly replace catch for caught. It flows more easily and is less static. Thanks.

[Eisa]

Hi Krista,

It's late & I'm just going to bed, but thought I'd peep in first. I really like your revision as the divisions into stanzas makes this easier to read and looks better too.

I'll call back tomorrow for another look

'night
Eira

[posthumous]

when you say "Eiffel" instead of "the Eiffel Tower" and "yet" when "or" would do, I feel like you're hanging poetic ornaments on your voice, distracting me from the real voice, the real feelings, of the piece.

"I remember climbing the steps of the Eiffel Tower: I hated being out of breath in Paris."

To me, that is the poem hiding inside your poem. What a gem. Everything else flows from that, whether it comes from you or the reader.

[K.S. Lenk]

Thank you Posthumous for your feedback.
I will bear in mind losing the poetic voice when it seems to distract from the story.

I agree with your Eiffel comment too, I will revise it as you suggested. I was thinking of rhythm in the first instance, but your suggestion is much better.

Thanks again for reading and the constructive criticism.

Regards,
K.

[Eisa]

Hi again Krista,

I like what you have done in your revision.

I remember climbing
the steps of the Eiffel Tower;
I hated being out of breath in Paris.
That instance, all senses were
up and ready to absorb a view
that now may never get
the chance to thrill again.

This is the strength of your poem and I like how the beginning stanzas build up to this without the reader knowing what the poem is about,

I have no other suggestions. I've enjoyed the read

Eira

[Psyche]

Hello Krista, I've come for a peep as it's nearly 3 a.m. in Argentina. Read both versions and I think the Revision is marvellous.


I remember climbing
the steps of the Eiffel Tower;
I hated being out of breath in Paris.
That instance, all senses were
up and ready to absorb a view
that now may never get
the chance to thrill again.

I looked at the date you posted this haunting poem, so I'm pretty certain you're writing about the recent, ghastly events in Paris. Ongoing and spreading.

I've picked out this stanza because it's striking in its veracity. I also enjoyed climbing the Eiffel Tower many years ago. Unforgettable.

Will return, thanks for sharing this deftly written piece.
Psyche

[RC James]

Krista - A nice relief to find you've made it to a common board and that the first of yours I've read here is a stunner. I read the news about the Paris massacre on the front page headlines in Spanish here in Colombia. Mayhem is a common thing down here, but this hit too close to home. When I was in Paris I spent some time directly underneath the tower and took multiple shots, double exposures of the ornate metal work. You have transformed the event into a personal epiphany, the last two stanzas are remarkable in their insight and pure feeling. A strong picture of how everything goes sour inside and out from one of these events. Just a brief thought of Hitler does it for me. So glad to see you, RC

[greenwich]

Krista so glad you made it over. The Paris reference after events makes this poem even more moving , re the frailty of life. Credit to you. Christmas has come early with your pen .

[K.S. Lenk]

Thanks to all for your kind replies and feedback, especially Greenwich and Posthumous.
What a warm welcome at MM!

R.C.....just want to call you my dear old friend, because that's what it feels like :) .
You have inspired and motivated me more than anyone I know to write, write, write. Thank you.

Hope we will read and compose and continue to learn on here together.

Regards,
K.