Broken Meter, From one very capable Options

[Guest_Tao_*]

Broken Meter (Revised - thanks all    )

I was going down a long flight of stairs,
my rhythm steady, as I’ve done for years.
A thing I often do without thinking,
merrily I went, steadily escending,
left, right, left, right, left again…

Something so simple, it’s automatic.
The legs, they obey, nothing dramatic.
My mind had time and let go the wheel;
surely I’d more weighty thoughts to reveal,
left right, left, right, left...LEFT?

Not so, oh no! Feet became tangled!
Look out! I fell, my tranquil pace wrangled.
Ooh, oh, ah…ouch! Down the steps I rolled,
rib cracked, forehead whacked, and twisting an ankle,
till bottom I smacked, body torn and mangled.

Eyes still blurry, a vision came to me.
Stair climbing, it seemed like writing poetry,
left, right, left, right…until it skips a beat.
Haphazard tempo spells broken meter,
liable to bodily injury is the reader!

Welcome to my basement…

[JLY]

Tao,
I enjoyed this; a humorus tribute to clumsy feet and loss of balance.  Good rhyme scheme helps to set the pace.

I would consider changing the following line:

Stair climbing, it seemed like writing poetry,

to

Stair climbing, like writing poetry........

but that change would require revising the following line and I don't have a suggestion for you at this time.

JLY

[Guest_Zeus²_*]

David.
very funny
A cursory diagnosis would be you have foot block (metric type)
Exercise is the best cure.
Prognosis: excellent  :cheer:

Larry

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hi JLY,

Thanks for visiting. I hope it was worth a "laugh:? This is a tribute to MY clumsy feet, never could get my meter straight trying the old forms. It's been a subject of contention for me and may yet cause injury...

That line is a bit odd. I will have to see if there's a better substitution. I could just say

Stair climbing is like writing poetry

That would go with the next line just fine. I'll ponder...

David :)

[Guest_Tao_*]

Why thank you, Doctor Zeus??

Most insightful diagnosis, don't think I'll be needing a second opinion. The real joke is that I did it again, this another piece embroiled in mixed feet and fallen down meter. That's why I welcomed the reader to my basement...rolling down with me.

I'm glad there's a cure, not completely hopeless!

David

[Cybele]

Oh David,  :upside:

Being literal for a moment, this happened to me about six years ago. I was descending the stairs while reading a letter and wham! I finished in a heap at the bottom with a shattered bone protruding from my leg, the consequence of which was a screw through my ankle and a six inch titanium bar inserted into my leg. Talk about bionic woman!!

This is very clever David, like all your pieces.

Just one tiny observation :

bodily injury is liable the reader!


I don't quite follow this line ~ did you mean something like bodily injury is likely to the reader?  :detective:

Love

Grace

[Ephiny]

Poor David  :wave:

Being literal for a moment as well, one day last week, while trying to be elegant and wearing heels, I had a day of tripping over my own feet!!

Grace, that sounds awful, I hope that your poor leg is ok now.

This poem is really clever (and it did occur to me that there can't be surer proof of your dedication of poetry then to think about it whilst lying at the bottom of the stairs after a fall  :cheer: )

But of course, you're absolutely right..it is just so easy to go off tempo, "skip a beat", and suddenly lose that flow of words or structure.  Very clever comparison!

And I really love the last line

[Guest_Tao_*]

Good Morning Grace,

No, please, don't be literal! This was not meant to bring back painful memories. It hurts me just to hear of your predicament. The picture of protruding bone was not what I had wanted to wake up to. And for you, picture me gritting my teeth reading your misfortune!

Re. the last line, I was stuck on the word liable for some reason, just liked the sound of it. Thought I could get away with an inversion there. Would it have made more sense if I'd said

bodily injury the reader is liable? (am I missing a "to?")

All of a sudden, I can't remember how people use the adj. liable! Perhaps I should use your suggestion, certainly would avoid confusion. What say you, bionic woman?  

David

p.s. I added a "to" to that line.

[Guest_Tao_*]

Good Morning Lucie,

That's funny, write a piece about rolling down the stairs and readers are all falling over themselves! Well, at least your episode does not show bones like that of Grace's. Yee...

But I must confess, my fall here was imaginary, came about as a result of the metaphor. That is not to say that I've led a safe existence. I did tumble two stories back in elementary school. And somehow, I'd also fallen through the monkey bars in kindergarten with little harm. It's a miracle I'm still here.

Talk about a chill, I can certainly use a fire in the basement. Winter's coming!

David

[Guest_Don_*]

David~~

Hold on...I lost cap to fountain pen under one of these paper piles.
Whew, found it.

Very clever of you to metaphor faulty meter with tripping on stairs.  
I would like to mention that though stairs are usually uniform, architectual cases exist for intentional breaking of stride, say for entering a sacred area or structure.  A running pace, for example, is altered into a more solemn mood via a slowed step.  The automatic thoughtlessness is converted into cognizance of where your next step should be placed.

Likewise poetry has purpose in altering meter for pace and mood, as you well know.

I see nothing wrong in your use of "liable" as defined by likely unfavorable outcome.  This word adds what kind of outcome, which "likely," solo, does not.  However, "liable" is an adjective and your placement is faulty.  To demonstrate, insert synonym, "apt" in identical location of "liable."

Stanza three remains my poetic favorite.  I humbly suggest change in line four to
"... and twisted an ankle,"
for smoother flow.


Don

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hello Don,

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. You've a good point on deliberately varied steps. We need look no further than those at the monuments in Washington DC. The climb to the Lincoln Memorial, for instance, is broken up by immense plateaus twice I believe, so that one can turn and even ride a bicycle around, and take in the grand fountain and Washington Monument abeam.

I also agree with your suggestion for twisting an ankle. It sounds much smoother, thank you. :pharoah2

The liable line though, has lived up to it reputation, as I am liable to revise it (Already have! ). If not for the inversion, it would have looked like this:

the reader is liable to bodily injury

Would that be better grammar? The dictionary does differentiate likely, liable and apt. Even finer nuances exist between apt and liable, where liable implies fault on a person while apt does not. So, in a strict sense, apt would not carry the same meaning. I still like liable, but if the inversion doesn’t work, would you have suggestions? Thanks.

David :)

[Cybele]

Hi David,  :laugh:

Eyes still blurry, a vision came to me.
Stair climbing, it seemed like writing poetry,
left, right, left, right…until it skips a beat.
Haphazard tempo spells broken meter,

the reader is liable to bodily injury

Works perfectly!!



Love

Grace

[Guest_Don_*]

David~~

Gee whiz, I selected "apt" for the example to amplify the clunky sounding arrangement.

I agree with Grace regarding what you state is your more grammatically correct sentence.  BTW, I try not to be a grammarian.  Popular songs, for instance, seem to flout grammar rules to remain popular.

I don't want to be holding up a sword like an exclaimation mark when the lightning strikes.

Better to be a sloppy grammarian than fried.


Don  

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hi Grace and Don,

Grace, we're getting there. It comes down to which line I'd rather rhyme with now I think, the poetry or meter line. I've revised but stayed with rhyming with meter.

Don, grammatically correct, me? That'll be the day! Choosing the right words is hard enough. As for your distaste for a holy barbecue, I guess hood is out of the question for you?

David