Gran's Parlour (revision), crit *** Options

[Eisa]

Revision 2

Absent Kiss

China nik-naks mist with aspidistra;
I recall Gran's spick and span parlour,
opened only to select visitors.

Gran titivated the room after he'd gone;
I laid out a board game with Kate.
We slid down snakes and climbed ladders;

she perched on a leather pouffe while
I squatted on the woven willow stool
Grandpa had crafted for me.

When the alien invaded his kidneys,
a fold-up bed was tucked
into the corner by the window.

Hushed voices slithered under
the door; Gran gathered me in
to say hello.

Unshaved, his shadow lay propped
on plumped pillows,
gaunt and unspeaking.

I should have kissed him goodbye,
before he slept
with brass handles on oak.


-------------------------------------------
REVISION

Gran's Parlour

China nik-naks blur with aspidistra
as I recall that spick and span room
opened only to select visitors.

A fold-up bed was tucked
into the corner for grandpa,
when the alien invaded his kidneys.

Hushed voices slithered under
the door; Gran gathered me in
to say hello.

Unshaved, his shadow lay propped
on plump pillows,
gaunt and unspeaking.

Gran titivated the room and I laid out
the board game with Kate. We slid
down snakes and climbed ladders;

she perched on a leather pouffe while
I squatted on the woven willow stool
Grandpa had crafted for me.

I should have kissed him goodbye,
before he slept
with brass handles on oak.



-----------------------------------------

Gran's Parlour

I barely remember the details
of that spick and span room,
opened only to exclusive visitors.

Grandpa's terminal bed
was planted in the corner
when his kidneys were invaded.

Hushed voices drifted under
the door; Gran gathered me in
to say hello.

Unshaved, he lay propped on plump
pillows; gaunt and unspeaking.
Just a shadow.

I should have kissed him goodbye,
before he slept there
in oak with brass handles.

I played in there with Kate
whose Aunty lived next door.
Snakes slithered up ladders;

she perched on a leather pouffe while
I squatted on the woven willow stool
Grandpa had crafted for me.

-----------------------------------------------
St3 L1 was:
Hushed voices crept under


----------------------------------------------------

[Ephiny]

Hi Eisa,

I haven't been here in a long time but read this and really, really enjoyed this. I think the beauty of it is that so many of us have similar childhood memories...that silence and hush when someone is ill or dying.... the reverence of the room, Grandad "a shadow" and the child noticing the difference in his appearance. Grandma "gathered me in" is a beautiful line and the finish is just poignant and lovely..the child now playing with a friend in the room...the love evident in the "woven willow stool".

The only slight suggestion, and it is slight, is that maybe "gaunt" isn't a word that the child might use, since we are seeing the scene through her eyes. Then again, it well could be. It just struck me slightly. I thought "when his kidneys were invaded" was a perfect description, it sounds like something the child might have overheard and not completely understood, maybe wondered about.

Really, really beautiful..I could "see" and feel the whole scene

Lucie xx

[Eisa]

Hi Eisa,

I haven't been here in a long time but read this and really, really enjoyed this. I think the beauty of it is that so many of us have similar childhood memories...that silence and hush when someone is ill or dying.... the reverence of the room, Grandad "a shadow" and the child noticing the difference in his appearance. Grandma "gathered me in" is a beautiful line and the finish is just poignant and lovely..the child now playing with a friend in the room...the love evident in the "woven willow stool".

The only slight suggestion, and it is slight, is that maybe "gaunt" isn't a word that the child might use, since we are seeing the scene through her eyes. Then again, it well could be. It just struck me slightly. I thought "when his kidneys were invaded" was a perfect description, it sounds like something the child might have overheard and not completely understood, maybe wondered about.

Really, really beautiful..I could "see" and feel the whole scene

Lucie xx

Hi Lucie

How lovely to see you here! I hope to see you more often.

I'm so glad this worked for you - it's funny how memories can spark off a poem.
I can see what you mean about 'gaunt' and will consider that when I come to do some tweaking.

Please call again soon.
Snow

[Siren]

Dearest Eira,

It's been too long.

I love the memory you brought up here and in light of the chaos in my country, the increasing death tolls, this turned into the facts we r living now.

Syria is a grandparent, the death bed experience, knowledge that all we can do is wait, and to me gaunt was just right.

Interpretation is an interesting factor f our lives. It fuels your drive towards life.

Sorry to turn your memory into my present and the human presence of your gran to the figurative of my beloved home. Syria.

Hugs hny and kudos

Dani

[Eisa]

Dearest Eira,

It's been too long.

I love the memory you brought up here and in light of the chaos in my country, the increasing death tolls, this turned into the facts we r living now.

Syria is a grandparent, the death bed experience, knowledge that all we can do is wait, and to me gaunt was just right.

Interpretation is an interesting factor f our lives. It fuels your drive towards life.

Sorry to turn your memory into my present and the human presence of your gran to the figurative of my beloved home. Syria.

Hugs hny and kudos

Dani

Dear Dani

Yes - it's been too long and I've missed you!

I love it that poetry can be translated in different ways and I like your interpretation of my words.

I hope you won't leave it too long before you call here at MM again.

Hugs
Snow

[Alan]

Dear Snow,

Yes, I too remember my grandfather dying. Not that I understood any of it at the time. Excellent poem.

Love
Alan

[Psyche]

Hi Snow!

I feel you've achieved just the right atmosphere to poetically describe your Grandpa's last days.

Fortunately, people were allowed to die in their own beds, with family around.

Your memories may not be sparkling ones, to say the least, but so much better than modern day experiences in the ICU, with feeding tubes and mechanical devices to make one last longer.

I think your insertion of "snakes slithered up ladders" portrays the slightly phantasmagorical recollections. I suppose you played Snakes and Ladders there?

You haven't asked for crits, so I'll just mention that, for me, "hushed voices crept under the door" doesn't quite fit, I mean "crept" could perhaps be changed to another verb. You've personalised the voices, but if that is your intention, that's OK!

Thanks for the great read. I only knew one of my grandparents, and she died when I was about 5 years old, far away from my home on the farm.

((hugs)) Syl***

[Eisa]

Dear Snow,

Yes, I too remember my grandfather dying. Not that I understood any of it at the time. Excellent poem.

Love
Alan

Hi Alan - yes I think when you're young you are not told everything and 'protected' to a certain extent. Glad you liked the poem.

Love Snow

[Eisa]

Hi Snow! Hi Syl!

I feel you've achieved just the right atmosphere to poetically describe your Grandpa's last days.
I'm glad to hear that!
Fortunately, people were allowed to die in their own beds, with family around.

Your memories may not be sparkling ones, to say the least, but so much better than modern day experiences in the ICU, with feeding tubes and mechanical devices to make one last longer.
That is so true remembering my mothers last days in hospital
I think your insertion of "snakes slithered up ladders" portrays the slightly phantasmagorical recollections. I suppose you played Snakes and Ladders there?
Yes - I feel this bit is open to interpretation. it could be a memory or something that happened in the future
You haven't asked for crits, so I'll just mention that, for me, "hushed voices crept under the door" doesn't quite fit, I mean "crept" could perhaps be changed to another verb. You've personalised the voices, but if that is your intention, that's OK!
I meant to ask for crits, Syl so I'm glad you mentioned this as I have been wondering about it. Perhaps 'drifted' would be more appropriate? - or any other suggestions?
Thanks for the great read. I only knew one of my grandparents, and she died when I was about 5 years old, far away from my home on the farm.

((hugs)) Syl***

Lovley to have your comments!
Hugs
Snow

[Eisa]

Just made a few changes - a bit more detail in parts and brought St5 down to end as I feel it makes a stronger ending.

Snow

[Siren]

Wow Eira,

I just love the revision. I found the change in S2 breathtaking. You showed me the bed, made me sense its ominous presence.

I agree with transferring S5 to the end. Definitely a better ending.

The love is there, the sweet sorrowful memory... The need for cleanliness in the midst of the chaos of a falling life..

You caressed my poetic senses with this one.

Wonderful!
Dani

Ps: much hugs

[Eisa]

Thanks Dani - so good to hear from you.

Hugs
Snow