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Rhine River Tour, My thanks to Mark, Eira, and Sylvia |
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Guest_ohsteve_*
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May 12 09, 12:53
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Guest
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Rhine River Tour
Revised
A gentle mist rises from the river; daylight arrived an hour ago, but old Sol likes to take his time climbing those vine-covered mounts.
Soon the guide calls us aboard we wend our way upstream, cool waters bow away in a white wave, ripples lap at the banks.
Just around the next bend an ancient castle peeks its' crenelations over sharp-sided crags and clinging bush.
Lines and rows of vineyards push toes into alkali soil, too soon to become wine; you wonder if the pickers aren’t part Chamois.
Aromas' of wurst, pommes frites; and thoughts of cold dunkel beer to wash it down.
Children fishing on the shore point, laugh, and shout ...
"Why do silly people wish to ride the river?."
Looking at scenes they have seen all their lives.
May 12, 2009/ revised Jun 4, 2009 © Steve Pray
Original
A gentle mist from the river rises; daylight arrived a hour ago, but old sol likes to take his time climbing those vine covered mounts.
Soon the guide calls us to board we wend our way up stream, cool waters bow away in a white wave, ripples lap at the banks.
Just around the next bend an ancient castle peeks it’s crenelations over sharp sided crags and clinging bush.
Lines and rows of vineyards push toes into alkali soil, too soon to become wine; you wonder if the pickers aren’t part Chamois.
Aroma’s of wurst, pomme frits; and thoughts of cold dunkel beer to wash it down.
Children fishing on the shore point, laugh, and shout a question... "Why do silly people wish to ride the river?."
Looking at scenes they have seen all their lives.
May 12, 2009 © Steve Pray
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Guest_ohsteve_*
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May 14 09, 09:21
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Guest
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Vess, I am glad you caught that under appreciation for our own backyard wonders. I lived just twelve miles from Longfellows house for 19 years and never once visited. My wife grew up in Cambridge, England and yet the only time she has been through London was going to and from Heathrow Airport. I have seen more things there than she has. I think the tour was more enjoyable to me because I didn't have to drive and pay attention to the road, I got to see more than I did while traveling elsewhere. I am sure the Grand Canyon is very beautiful, but the one I would like to see first hand is the one in Valley Marinaris on Mars.
Steve
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May 14 09, 11:27
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 201
Joined: 28-April 09
From: Canada
Member No.: 784
Real Name: Marc-Andre Germain
Writer of: Poetry
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I've enjoyed this Steve, the children stanza is especially endearing. I've got a few nits though:
Rhine River Tour
A gentle mist from the river rises; >>considering that you're not using rhymes here makes it harder to accept the syntactic inversions; why not "A gentle mist rises from the river;" ? daylight arrived a hour ago, >>>an hour but old sol likes to take his time >>I believe that Sol the sun needs a capital 'S' as opposed to 'sol' the scale note. climbing those vine covered mounts.>> vine-covered (hyphen) ?
Soon the guide calls us to board we wend our way up stream, cool waters bow away in a white wave, ripples lap at the banks.
Just around the next bend an ancient castle peeks it’s crenelations over sharp sided crags and clinging bush. >>sharp-sided ?
Lines and rows of vineyards push toes into alkali soil, too soon to become wine; you wonder if the pickers aren’t part Chamois.
Aroma’s of wurst, pomme frits; >>If my memory serves me right, German has the same spelling as French: pommes frites and thoughts of cold dunkel beer to wash it down.
Children fishing on the shore point, laugh, and shout a question... "Why do silly people wish to ride the river?."
Looking at scenes they have seen all their lives.
I hope this helps.
Mark
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May 22 09, 20:02
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,875
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hi Steve! I like this poem! Altho' I haven't taken exactly the same tour, I know what you mean. Lovely imagery & movement, with well-chosen words. Let's see now: (TorT)
A gentle mist from the river rises; <<<<<<I don't think the verb inversion works well here. One gets the feeling you're going to write a sonnet..!
daylight arrived a hour ago, <<<<<<<<<<<< 'an' but old sol likes to take his time <<<<<<<<< I'm not sure whether your familiarity with 'old sol' is a good idea, Steve. Sol should use Caps, but maybe you could also find a better word than 'old' for a qualifier? Perhaps 'serene', 'staid', 'placid', 'unruffled'....Or just say 'sun' with some good adjective? TotT..!
climbing those vine covered mounts. <<<<<<< lovely!
Soon the guide calls us to board <<<<<< aboard? with comma? we wend our way up stream, <<<< upstream? cool waters bow away in a white wave, ripples lap at the banks.
Just around the next bend an ancient castle peeks it’s crenelations over <<<<<<<< possessive 'its' sharp sided crags and clinging bush. <<<<<< hyphenate 'sharp-sided'?
Beautiful stanza!
Lines and rows of vineyards <<<Aren't lines & rows the same thing? push toes into alkali soil, too soon to become wine; you wonder if the pickers aren’t part Chamois. <<<<<<< I like this!
Aroma’s of wurst, pomme frits; <<<<< 'Aromas' for plural and thoughts of cold dunkel beer to wash it down.
Good S, altho' the sudden introduction of beer (after all the talk of vineyards), dunno....
Children fishing on the shore point, laugh, and shout a question... "Why do silly people wish to ride the river?."
Looking at scenes they have seen all their lives.
Really good last 2S, Steve! Just so! I love the whole poem. Please toss out whatever I've critted, at will...
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"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
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Guest_ohsteve_*
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May 25 09, 10:03
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Guest
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Mark and Sylvia, Thank you for your read and the great comments... I can see changes here...but will be back to do a revision.... Steve
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May 29 09, 04:05
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Mosaic Master
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 4,599
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Birmingham, England
Member No.: 12
Real Name: Eira Needham
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori
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Hi Steve
I like this - it conjures up a beautiful scene. Very well written ... but I'll see if I have any suggestions.Rhine River Tour A gentle mist from the river rises; daylight arrived a n hour ago, but old Sol likes to take his time climbing those vine covered mounts. L1 - I would prefer not to have the inversion at the start A gentle mist rises from the river;
I like your use of words old/sol ... time/climb/vineSoon the guide calls us to board we wend our way upstream, cool waters bow away in a white wave, ripples lap at the banks. [Just] Around the next bend an ancient castle peeks it’s crenelations over sharp sided crags and clinging bush. Lines and rows of vineyards push toes into alkali soil, too soon to become wine; you wonder if the pickers aren’t part Chamois. Lines & rows mean much the same - keep rows as it sounds good with toesAroma’s of wurst, pomme frits; and thoughts of cold dunkel beer to wash it down. Children fishing on the shore point, laugh, and shout a question... "Why do silly people wish to ride the river?." We can see the last line is a question, so I'd miss out last but one line.
Perhaps
Children fishing on the shore point, laugh and shout ... "Why do silly people wish to ride the river?."Looking at scenes they have seen all their lives. Great ending stanza ... love scenes/seen. It's true of many wonderful places, the locals don't see the beauty when they see it every day.
Very Good Steve
Snow
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Guest_ohsteve_*
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Jun 4 09, 20:36
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Guest
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To Answer Snow and Sylvia, yes it is a land of lots of vineyards especially along the rivers, but I was more of a beer drinker, than a wine drinker. So I drank beer and also if I remember correctly they didn't offer wine for sale on the boat just beer or soft drinks.
As for rows and lines being the same yea, well maybe... I guess its more the way the vines are planted, looked at one way they are rows going up and down, looked at another way they are lines going across, or vice versa, and they are both at the same time. If you have a 100x100 block of dots on a page are they rows/lines/columns/ ? sometimes the vineyards were fan shaped, narrow at the top wide at the bottom, sometimes they followed the contour of the land... not sure how else to say it... anyway more suggestions anyone.
Steve
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