Stoned, 14-er Options

[Merlin]

I figgered I'd toss another one into the ring. It's in the holiday class spirit, still shooting fer 50. Sho-nuff quiet in here. I penned this to a picture, but now can't find the link. Hope it makes sense without the photo. M




Stonehenge, Winter Solstice

Bejeweled in hoar, dried stalks of yarrow stand
forlorn, like plainsmen from a far flung zone
whose duty is to guard the circle stones
as pilgrim troupes arrive from distant lands.

One band of faithful, several hundred strong,
have made their camp, a village of a sort,
beyond the bounds. Their children join in sports
while men-folk meet, debating rights and wrongs.

When daylight pales the eastern starless skies,
a mellow chant implores indulgent gods
and every living saint to turn this sod
back into fertile ground lest all must die.

The daystar casts its rays across the plains;
devotees note their quest is not in vain.




Original
Bejeweled in hoar, dried stalks of yarrow stand
forlorn, like plainsmen from a far flung zone
who guard the mystic ring of circle stones
and watch as pilgrims come from distant lands.

One group of faithful, several hundred strong,
have made their camp, a village of a sort,
not far away. Their children play at sports
while men-folk meet, debating right and wrong.

When daylight pales the eastern starless sky,
a mellow chanting starts, imploring gods
and every living saint to turn these sods
back into fertile ground lest all must die.

The daystar casts its rays across the plain;
observers note their chants are not in vain.

[AMETHYST]

Hi Merlin,

First before anything - thank you for the new word, 'hoar' - I had to look it up and was pleasantly surprised and delighted to see the possibilities for future use.

Another very strong and powerful offering for the holiday inspiration ... The title is fitting. Sets the narrator with a place and aura of subject in mind. But I loved the follow up with sharp and original images that followed.

Some thoughts in stanza, I hope something I say is worth the trip...

Big Hugs, Liz

Stonehenge, Winter Solstice

Bejeweled in hoar, dried stalks of yarrow stand
forlorn, like plainsmen from a far flung zone
who guard the mystic ring of circle stones
and watch as pilgrims come from distant lands.

not a nit in this strong opening. I enjoyed how you brought the stalks to life, by painting a picture in motion, in my minds eye I watch the aged stalks swaying in place, standing like guardsmen (becoming the guards that are standing scattered about the surrounding area of the circle of stones...) it is crisp and full in my mind because of your detailed, unique descriptions...

One group of faithful, several hundred strong,
have made their camp, a village of a sort,
not far away. Their children play at sports
while men-folk meet, debating right and wrong.

The word 'One' trips me a little, as at first I think of one group of many groups and that, for me takes away the importance or notiability of this group... and in L3, I felt 'not far away. ' was weak. Perhaps ..

A group of faithful; several hundred strong
have made their camp, a village of a sort,
just yards away. ...

When daylight pales the eastern starless sky,
a mellow chanting starts, imploring gods
and every living saint to turn these sods
back into fertile ground lest all must die.

L2, would you reconsider 'starts'? ... perhaps stirs, or 'sounds' or even 'chimes' to partner with chanting...

The daystar casts its rays across the plain;
observers note their chants are not in vain.

What a profound ending couplet. I would suggest an alternative to chants here, to omit the repeat between the last stanza and here... or even in S3 you might consider ... praying instead of chanting or perhaps prayers here instead of chants ...


Either way, these are minor nits and this stands strong as it is as well...

Big hugs, Liz (thank you for the wonderful poetry you post, sometimes I cannot offer my thoughts right away, and sometimes a long time goes by before I can leave my critique, but I do want you to know, more often than not, I reread it many times just for the admiration and enjoyment... always... and I appreciate your work. It is inspiring... )

Hugs, Liz

[JaxMyth]

Stonehenge, Winter Solstice

Bejeweled in hoar, dried stalks of yarrow stand
Perhaps "bejeweled by hoar"
forlorn, like plainsmen from a far flung zone
who guard the mystic ring of circle stones
and watch as pilgrims come from distant lands.

One group of faithful, several hundred strong,
have made their camp, a village of a sort,
not far away. Their children play at sports
while men-folk meet, debating right and wrong.
If "rights and wrongs" it would keep to your interesting rhyming scheme.

When daylight pales the eastern starless sky,
"starless skies"
a mellow chanting starts, imploring gods
and every living saint to turn these sods
"to turn each sod"
back into fertile ground lest all must die.

The daystar casts its rays across the plain;
"the plains;"
observers note their chants are not in vain.


Enjoyed.

Regards,

Jax

[Guest_Don_*]

Dear Merlin,

Enjoyed your usually careful composition.

I do agree with JaxMyth.

Regarding your last line, I prefer "chant" superior to "prayer."

Don

[Merlin]

Thank you for the replies, Liz, Jax, & Don.
There's some excellent advice here, which I'm sure to incorporate into a revised copy. I was away the weekend, and on getting home, saw that there were a lot of trees blown over by what must have been a helluva storm here. Power was out, and has only come back a short while ago. I'll tend to things once these other cat-s have been looked after.

Merlin

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin,
Along with your mastery of poetic literacy, I know you place great importance in choosing your words carefully and attempting to make your thoughts as clear as the constraints of R&M permit.
Thus I believe your use of the word "chant", is integral to your intent and need not be rethought.
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Merlin]

Thank you for the generous input given. I've looked at all, accepted many, and modified some. All in all, I believe this is an improved revision.

As to the chanting/chant, there's no question that a better combo was available. Along with my colleagues, I reject "prayer" - reason being, I don't know if Druids actually prayed. I had Druids in mind for this, but not much is known about them. Present day Druids may not be realistic representation, so whereas they may have prayed, I don't know that for certain and went with a pilgrimage to Stonehenge, in honor of their gods of the day.

I'm pleased that the imagery comes thru without the photo present.

Merlin

[Guest_Don_*]

I agree that little accurate information is available about ancient Druids despite an abundance of fiction. I too doubt if they prayed in the sense we do today. A great deal is wrapped up in superstitious ritual; hence, dancing and chanting were probably social bonding like our singing in church. I have no source, but tend to believe the Christian Gregorian Chants served similar purpose as a combined worship and prayer in social environment.

Must have been exciting rubbing elbows with modern Druids at Stonehenge.

Don

[Merlin]

Hi Don,

I must apologize for my misleading statement. By saying "I went with a pilgrimage..." it does appear that I was there. However, my meaning was that I went with that thought of a pilgrimage, and created the ambiguity. How I wish to have such an experience.

I needed to clarify that lest the wrong message is perceived.

Merlin