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bbnixon
Posted on: Sep 4 07, 05:51


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Posts: 88
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From: United States
Member No.: 409


Lori,

Thank you for the big congrats! I was happily surprised!

Wishing you a wonderful day

:) brenda
  Forum: IPBC Archive · Post Preview: #101993 · Replies: 23 · Views: 19,880

bbnixon
Posted on: Aug 31 07, 12:43


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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
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From: United States
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Hi Liz,

This is so wonderful, I love the way it just rolls off the tongue and brings a smile. No nits from me just pure appreciation.

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #101821 · Replies: 22 · Views: 10,078

bbnixon
Posted on: Jul 9 07, 12:02


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Hi Judi,

I am not very skilled in R & M, but I will try to stop by tonight and give it a look see, from a readers perspective. Hope your day is good.

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #99393 · Replies: 18 · Views: 6,433

bbnixon
Posted on: Jul 8 07, 20:35


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Judi,

Just wanted you to know I really like this, have been following along, love the revision. Very cool beans. I much enjoyed the read.

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #99366 · Replies: 18 · Views: 6,433

bbnixon
Posted on: Jul 4 07, 10:19


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Kathy,

So very cool beans!!!!! Congratulations, a much deserved win.

hsdance.gif hsdance.gif hsdance.gif

wishing you a wonderful 4th...

:) brenda
  Forum: Member Announcements -> Basilica · Post Preview: #99205 · Replies: 11 · Views: 5,628

bbnixon
Posted on: Jun 17 07, 14:05


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Hi Don

Thanks for the encouragement, it has been moved to my back burner (i.e. subconcious) for a little while. I am hoping I will wake up one day...and in my sleep a miracle would of happened and I can sit down with all othese great comments and be done.. hahaha...I just think I need a little break from it.

:) brenda

Hi Judi

Thank you very much for the read and comments. I have put this one on the back burner for a little while, I think it needs a major rewrite....and perhaps a conceptual change and right now my attention is on some other poems I am working on. The wonderful thing, is it will be there when I am ready.

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #98357 · Replies: 17 · Views: 5,880

bbnixon
Posted on: Jun 17 07, 07:08


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Hi Lori,

I have such a weakness for cats. Sorry it took me so long to get back, I started another 30 day poem challenge somewhere else, and I need to quit doing them....I seem to love to write, and hate to workshop. This year I have written 200 poems and workshopped maybe 15. I am awful. I loved this poem the first time, and I love the revision. Seven to three on the ings is quite impressive, I would say you are cooking...or You cook!!! Just teasing...I have a couple of minor things, will put them in blue




Jeoffry

He is sleek unto himself,
blending onyx and brilliance.

Seven - that magic number -
seven times he wreaths
his agile frame to the East,
ascending on haunch hopes; (I think you can use ascends )
no more, no less.

Toward latent stars he arcs
in complementary prayer,
and sheaths his domain with
spindrifts of nature’s musk. (Love this addition)

Friends frolic in the grassy knoll
to mark their place in society
then yield to his presence: exercising
their position in his kingdom.

He crouches low and slowly
advances amongst his
camouflaged backdrop;
a transient salutation
that shadows the pranks of the day…

then quietly sneaks back
to the comfort of a cushy couch
and moons himself to sleep.

A god made unto himself,
he blends onyx and brilliance.

Copyright © Lorraine M Kanter


I enjoyed it very much.....

hope your day is very good

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #98321 · Replies: 19 · Views: 7,720

bbnixon
Posted on: Jun 17 07, 06:53


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


HI Judi,

I lke the thought of an early morning walk to the beach...the communion of self with nature as the morning stretches to meet the sun....dawn, is my favorite envelope of time, almost sacred, I am an early riser...and generally spend my dawn in my garden with a cup of coffee. Your poem has some great images, of the beach I can visualize the walk, the stooping over selecting the best shells beloved grandchildren. My main comment is to par down the extra verbage...if you wanted it more poem/less prose like. I am going to illustrate with one of the strophes


The sand feels cool and silky,
waves lick my toes. I stand,
steps follow the the tidal wash
strewn with pretty shells.

I hope this helps, I much enjoyed the walk.

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #98317 · Replies: 9 · Views: 4,898

bbnixon
Posted on: Jun 16 07, 12:05


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Terry,

Lots of variation...formal and more informal...I use the informal below...here is a link to learn more

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cinquain


Cinquain also has a more specialized meaning. Under the influence of Japanese poetry, the American poet Adelaide Crapsey developed a poetic form she also called a "cinquain." Hers is a short, unrhymed poem of twenty-two syllables, five lines of 2, 4, 6, 8, 2 syllables respectively

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #98295 · Replies: 6 · Views: 4,514

bbnixon
Posted on: Jun 16 07, 09:32


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Hi Terry,

I love the serentiy of a riding a bike, when I grew up we lived in the country and I had an old Schwinn, and I would get on and ride across red topped dirt roads, wind blowing in my hair for miles...Your poem reminded me of that feeling of getting away, of being out of pocket, isolated form the day to day responsibilites. Very Cool beans. First, when I copied the poem over to crit, your formatting was lost. I think either center or left alligned would work. I myself have a preference for strophes, but like I said it might just be my preference, I will put my comments below in blue. My main comment is that it needs a trim, perhaps to many likes, and, I, we, yours. I am going to try to trim..

A summer evening cycle

With fly-weary wary eyes
we cycle, I in front of you,
sometimes side by side we glide,
when traffic and level ground allow.
not sure you need to say of you or we glide I also would consider starting with We cycle. Starting with a preposition weakens the poem, start with the declarative We cycle.
But only when we leave the tarmacadam'd town,
turning down The Grand Canal line,
does that pace and haste all drop away,
and you and I we in peace arrive.
love the thought of leaving the tarmacadam'd town, what a cool word.
This I would invert the sentences, the images before the set marker... perhaps like this
We simply cycle on and on together,
and it seems together we shall never tire
we pass the lock-house by in sleepy Ballycommon,
or the topsy-turvy tub of that old barge.
s]We do not set[/s] No seta marker to for our return,
nor further future goal of any kind. ( would lose either future or further)
Hypnotized by the glimmering,
and by the water rippling,
along this boulevard of towering beauty,
beech, oak, birch, chestnut and yew.
What glimmers..what type of water..river, lake? I like the nature, I am imaging beautiful lake surrounded by trees
And you and I ride cycleing
and for a while wonder ing,
if we would ever return,
from our summer evening cycle.


I hope that helps, as always these are just suggestions and you can take what you like and flush the rest.. I love the serenity of this poem.

Hope your day is very good

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #98263 · Replies: 8 · Views: 3,361

bbnixon
Posted on: Jun 16 07, 08:41


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Hi Terry,

Yes sad for the mockingbird..perhaps...just a thought I had. Thank you for my filling my empty box...it is greatly appreciated...can't add the "a" then my count would be off. I almost never write any kind of formed verse. I suck at it. Drive myself crazy with counts and meter, and stresses....makes me insane...For some reason though I like cinquains...so I try on occassion....

thank you for the read and the reply box deposit. I will return the favor.

:) brenda


QUOTE (Terocon101 @ Jun 15 07, 19:21 ) *
sing-song
sang (a)mockingbird Maybe insert "a"
I long for my own song
not one borrowed from another
song-sing

Hi Brenda,

Its kinda sad this one isn't it? No real crit for you here, but I hate seeing an empty reply box and its the second time I've read it, so I felt I should say something.

Terry
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #98261 · Replies: 6 · Views: 4,514

bbnixon
Posted on: Jun 15 07, 07:21


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Hi Jax,

I have no nits, just appreciation. Being from a military family...I picked up on the grunt immediately...actaully it is what brought me in to read your poem. It works. I have favorite parts

Milk and honey seeped into my bones
and I was the Paladin and Saviour of all.


try to breathe and hold myself tall
but all I hear is the sound of nails on wood
and hatred hammers down my hands and feet."

I enjoyed the read very much.

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #98212 · Replies: 12 · Views: 6,992

bbnixon
Posted on: Jun 14 07, 20:08


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Don,

Thank you for the encouragement....I have been in a funk of late....but hope to get to work on the revision soon...I have started a series of poems about my expereinces working at Katrina, that have been consuming me...I hope to try to be around a little more.

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #98201 · Replies: 17 · Views: 5,880

bbnixon
Posted on: Jun 14 07, 20:01


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


The Plight of the Mockingbird

sing-song
sang mockingbird
I long for my own song
not one borrowed from another
song-sing
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Short Form Poetry -> Shogun... · Post Preview: #98199 · Replies: 6 · Views: 4,514

bbnixon
Posted on: Jun 3 07, 20:22


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Hi Liz,

hsdance.gif You Rock hsdance.gif

Thank you for everything, it will take me some time...hopefully I will get there.

wishing you a beautiful summer day

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #97507 · Replies: 17 · Views: 5,880

bbnixon
Posted on: Jun 3 07, 20:16


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Hi Don,

Thank you for the read and comments...Looks like I have my work cut out for me...It will take me some time...but I think I might eventually move forward.

hope you have a wonderful day

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #97505 · Replies: 17 · Views: 5,880

bbnixon
Posted on: May 30 07, 06:04


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Hi Lori,

I loved this when I read in the flash challenge.. I guess my only nit is the "ings"...perhaps look to see if any of those can be replaced....I love this poem....

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #97063 · Replies: 19 · Views: 7,720

bbnixon
Posted on: May 30 07, 05:59


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Hi Jax and Snow,

Thanks to you both for the read and the comments...I like the idea of a weighing it up. I just need to decide what to do with it...These days I am, leaning toward the trash can.. Perhaps it is one I am just not ready to write. Sometimes it is the writer themselves that proves to be greatest stumbling block.

Hope you both have a wonderful day....

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #97061 · Replies: 17 · Views: 5,880

bbnixon
Posted on: May 25 07, 10:37


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Hi Don,


Thanks for stopping by. I am sorry for my late response. Peotry vs prose. A problem I struggle with. This one I am thinking about letting settle to the bottom.

Hope you have a wonderful day

:) brenda


Hi Kathy

Thanks for the comments, I am sorry for my late response. I am still struggling with this one. ... I like the idea of person to person. I am thinking on that... Perhaps it is just one I can not get right or am not ready to write. I have a couple of those.


Hope your day is very good

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #96639 · Replies: 17 · Views: 5,880

bbnixon
Posted on: May 25 07, 07:10


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Judi,

I have read this poem several times, I love the thought of this poem. I to am a women of middle years. The bonus of expereince and the tempering of our edges yes. Love these lines...


I have found that truth can balance
precariously on tightropes stretched
over chasms of right and wrong.



I too feel like there are two many commas, but grammar is not my strong suit, actually it is my weakest suit, so I could easily be wrong. I enjoyed it very much.

hope your day is good

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #96628 · Replies: 8 · Views: 2,161

bbnixon
Posted on: May 25 07, 07:00


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Judi,

I tried it , I liked it....Very cool beans.

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #96627 · Replies: 4 · Views: 1,709

bbnixon
Posted on: May 25 07, 06:49


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Hi Kathy,

I like it either as prose or as a sonnet. My preference is the sonnet. R & M something I struggle with, but yours are beautiful.

I really like Archy's poem, especially the one about the worm, the bird and the cat. Thank you for sharing.

If I was going to transform yours into more prose/free verse I would make each of your lines a strophe...so that it is not so hard for the reader, give him smaller tidbits.. comprehend...maye something like this. I am

young folk gather
for this festive day
a scruffy lot
in knitted hats
and sandals

ragged coats
against the chill
both sexes wearing feathers
some have mats
as if they've come
to pray

I am just playing around with your concept of switching between styles. A very cool thought.

Hope your day is very good

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #96625 · Replies: 10 · Views: 2,977

bbnixon
Posted on: May 25 07, 06:22


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Hi Cleo,

Thanks for your comments, sorry for the late response. I meant to revise nearly 10 days ago...just end of school activities and my daughters softball season got in the way. Hopefully I am close.

Hope your day is very good.

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #96622 · Replies: 20 · Views: 4,886

bbnixon
Posted on: May 22 07, 06:17


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Don,

I too loved the humor of this piece...

Yesterday I googled both Riley and Dunbar
and read some of thier poems.

This is my favorite part. Very Cool beans...

T’once sawd a Shake speered play
ta see lotsa trounce ‘n flounce
buy stage han’s pertenden parts.

I enjoyed it very much...no nits from me...

Hope you have a wonderful day

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #96423 · Replies: 15 · Views: 5,772

bbnixon
Posted on: May 17 07, 17:21


Babylonian
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 88
Joined: 7-March 07
From: United States
Member No.: 409


Hi John,

Thanks for stopping back by..and for letting me know I was not crazy, yes I believe before I started participating in poetry forums, I had only met 2 other Brendas, and lately I am tripping on my own name....and for the encouragement...

I am stuck on the Im in Love with...line...

Te end of year things that come along with 13 year old girls are keeping Mom busy...I am a girl scout leader and we have had a a banquet and a mom and daughter lock in, and my daughter has had band concerts, symphonic band tryouts, extra band practices, off season volleyball, and semester finals, I have been brushing up on my Algebra I lately and lastly...my daughters true love, softball has started in the middle of all of this end of year madness..so my revisions have to wait,

QUOTE
I'm waiting for the revision.



perhaps this weekend. I have some revisions for tattoo also, I have been pondering. I am hopeing to play catch up, I would love if you stop by next week and see if I came up with something more imaginative...

hope you have a wonderful day

:) brenda


Judi,

Thank you for the comments and the kind words, both are much appreciated. I am glad you enjoyed my blog, mostly raw feeds, eventually I pick out the better ones and try to develop them.

Hope you have a wonderful day

:) brenda
  Forum: ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 · Post Preview: #96215 · Replies: 26 · Views: 7,247

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