Jack's Back w/ edits thanx Cleo, Susanian Stanzas Options

[heartsong7]

similar to spen-stas (Spenserian Stanzas) but with 10 lines and this scheme:)
ababbcbcbb

Jack’s Back

Jill Spills (her guts)

I’m dancing on a cloud; don’t dash me down.
I’ll wade around denial– still game to play..
I heard today that you were back in town,
and hoped, perhaps, you’d contact me to say
how much you’ve missed me since that Autumn day
you flew off in a huff for parts unknown.
I’ve read you hit it big out in LA
and wondered why you never thought to phone.*
Now here you are with promises to stay
and here I am, prepared to let you have your way.

*was:
and wondered why you didn’t ever phone.

Jack Flaps (his lips)

So dance, my dear, I dare not dash you down.
I’ll lead you to denial with games I play.
Since yesterday, when I flew into town,
I’ve thought that should we meet somewhere, I’d say
I’ve missed the way we were before that day
you dumped me and I left– a green unknown--
to follow trails of stardust in LA.
My wounded pride dismissed each urge to phone.
Oh yes, about those promises to stay--
I will— if you’re prepared to let me have my way.

*was:
My pride would not allow that I should phone.

[jgdittier]

Dear Heartsong,
This sounds suspiciously like the SHE/HE you recently posted. The forms seem to have great potential to garner reader involvement in poetic responses.
You're setting the pace. Let's see what happemns while you're away!
Cheers, Ron jgd

[Aggiel]

Hi Heartsong,

This piece really intrigues me, a two piece poem,
using the same words on both. I love it.




Aggie

[heartsong7]

Thanks for looking in Ron. Yes, this one is in a similar vein as the last, but not the same characters.
Responses are encouraged. Merlin's volley( "Mrs. Hobbit") from my "Lovers Meet Again" is super well done. It's all great fun.
See you later,
Sue



Hi Aggie,
I'm so glad you enjoyed this fun piece. I've done several in the "he said, she said" vein. Merlin and another talented cyber-poet, Frances (MFK Buckley, who hasn't been around in quite awhile and whom we really miss) launched the concept last year and we enjoyed several rounds of imaginative play with them.
Thank you for letting me know you enjoyed.
Best
Sue

[Mary Boren]

Looks like fun, Sue, and I'd love to play too but can't do it today. Just wanted you to know I've read and enjoyed.

Mary

[Merlin]

Great fun, Sue.

A note on Fran - she's often on the road doing lectures and things in US & Canadian cities, as well as keeping her B & B going. It appears her schedule is fairly full, and the writing has taken a back seat. We did a few of these He/She ones and had our good times at it.
We also did a series (it just became one) giving the M/F + outsider views - some of which are printed in an anthology by Dr Neil McAllister.

So we welcome Mary, when you pecan.

I'll see if I can cook up a volley here - I'm actually still in drydock.

Merlin

[Merlin]

Bump cuz I'm gonna do a volley back.
Mine is Spenserian Stanza, and the rhyme words follow, but don't completely duplicate this one.

Y'all come, different views make these loads of fun.

Merlin

[Michelle]

Applause, Sue. Your poems and titles are clever. These look like great fun. I love your Susanian Stanzas! Well, I try one tonight, since I have some time all to myself.

You know Sue, perhaps I'm just dense tonight, but I'm not getting S1L2: still game to play..

I keep thinking game should have an 's' on it. Is it just me, you think?

Anyway, this is great to read a very inspiring.

my best to you,

Michelle

[Mistral]

Hi Sue!

My sentiments expressed by the others! Gosh, this is great fun, I thoroughly enjoyed comparing line by line!

Hugglies, Hon.....and do more!
M

[heartsong7]

Thanks muchly, Merlin, Michelle and Misty,
Yes, these are lots of fun and I'm tickled to know you enjoyed.
Merlin, your volley is great! thanks for playing.
I'll be home Tues. and look forward to catching up on my reading here.
Take care y'all.
Sue

[heartsong7]

Hi Mary, I almost missed your comments. I'm on an unfamiliar laptop and having a little trouble navigating. I'm glad you enjoyed...hope you can join the fun....your serve.
Sue

[heartsong7]

Hi Michelle,

You know Sue, perhaps I'm just dense tonight, but I'm not getting S1L2: still game to play..

When I replied earlier, I was short on time and meant to come back and answer your question about 'game to play' I don't know if it's a common phrase or not, but it means something like still 'ready or willing'
see here:
http://users.tinyonline.co.uk/gswithenbank/sayingsg.htm
S

[Guest_lizbaker_*]

Hi Sue,
As you well know, I'm not big on offering critique. I come only to read and enjoy your poetry and that of your friends here. Thank you for guiding me to the site.
Keep writing, my friend.
Liz

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Sue.

You know, I've read this several times, and each time, this one becomes more poignant. I like the way you've used the same end words again and how 'Jack' is answering Jill, spilling her guts and him being all that, sigh...

I especially enjoyed
you dumped me and I left– a green unknown--
to follow trails of stardust in LA.
The use of 'green' is clever, greener pastures in LA ? More $$$$$$ awaits, hence the stardust (star-studded) trails to come.

The only stumble I had was for the same line in both stanzas: L8

and wondered why you didn’t ever phone.

The 'didn't ever' seems forced to make 'phone' work. Would either of these fit:
and wondered why you never thought to phone?
and wondered why you hadn't ever phoned.

and

My pride would not allow that I should phone.

I offer a few alternates:
My pride would not allow the thought to phone.

I didn't entertain the thought to phone.

I never entertained the thought to phone. (or hadn't instead of never)

This is the only troublesome spot I found in both stanzas and even for me, my crit is a stretch as it is really very well written as is.

Well done - I enjoyed the two perspectives, the clever word choices, and the lyrical flow.

Cheers
~Cleo

[JustDaniel]

Dear Marm:

Sorry I haven't been around much this past month... and have missed all the fun between you and Eric. DARN...

but I just wanted to say how clever, inventive and refreshing this is.

deLighting to see you experiment, Daniel

P.S. May Susanian Verse live on!

[heartsong7]

Thank you, Liz, i'm glad you joined us.
S


Hi Lori...
Great input, thank you for that and the "well done"
I've revised with your suggestions in mind.
Sue


Hey there Daniel...
It's good to have you back with your delightful wit and wordplay.
thank you for checking this out.
Sue

[Cleo_Serapis]

FANTABULOUS Sue!

I think the changes in those 2 lines really work smoother and the second, My wounded pride dismissed each urge to phone, still keeps 'pride' in there which changes the perspective.

Excellento!

~Cleo