monsoon, senryu Options

[Guest_Kathy_*]

monsoon--
soapy men
beneath the drain

This was published somewhere. He wrote and asked me for it.

[laryalee]

Kathy, this is a most unusual and amazing scene!
At first I caught a glimpse of soapy men being
washed down the drain, lol!
But then, with the monsoon I saw flooding...
and men working to fix the drain...then soap
spills on them!

Lary

P.S. Who is "He"....?

[Guest_Kathy_*]

No, actually they were showering. Water is scarce until the monsoon.

I don't know who he was, Lary. He wanted several of my Nepalese haiku.

It could be:

distant thunder
soapy men
beneath the drain

[Orion]

Hi Kathy,

I got tickled at Lary's reply. hahaha
This is a very interesting scene---love the image 'soapy men'.

Jan

[laryalee]

Kathy, I have an idea that you use
the word "drain" in a different way
down under...

I'm seeing a drain where water runs
out of a sink or a bathtub.
Do you perchance mean a roof drain, or
something similar?


Lary

[Guest_Kathy_*]

It was more like a waterfall from a pipe, Lary. 'Drain' is a risky word to use, for sure. We also use it for the drainage hole in a sink, and the plumbing that comes from it. And the guttering around the eaves, the downpipes and the conduits (open and closed) that carry liquids. Also the gutter that runs along the side of the road.

Maybe I will use waterfall.

Monsoon--
soapy men
under the waterfall

it sounds a bit 'choppy' to me, but I am biased towards iambs. ie 'beneath the drain' SOUNDS so much better.

[laryalee]

Kathy, once I know what you mean,
I can see it just fine!

But waterfall is neat too...I see them
out in the forest somewhere!


Lary

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Well it was in the forest, Lary. It was Nepal. This was at the beginning of the monsoon, before the flow of water grew too fierce, and when people were excited to have rain.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Kathy.

Wow - what an interesting image you've portrayed! I can envision men soaping themselves down and then running under a fountain, waterspout, waterway or waterfall to rinse off.

monsoon--
soapy men
beneath the drain

I have a little trouble with 'beneath the drain' because taking it literally, my mind is thinking of manhole covers (used in sewer systems on roadways) and so I think of these men as working in the sewers. Another way might be to focus on the lathering of the soap and seeing it trickle down the drain, maybe something like: men lather up - trickle down the drain or the act of 'bathing'?

Hmmm - If you were to imagine these men lathering up and then rinsing off - would the monsoon be the catalyst that actually rinses them off? If so, I think a tweak could be something like: bathe beneath the drain?

Would switching the order around have a different meaning?

soapy men
bathe beneath the drain --
monsoon


I enjoyed this Kathy!
~Cleo

[Guest_Kathy_*]

soapy men
bathe beneath the drain --
monsoon


Good suggestion, Lori. Haiku works best when readers have experiences in common with the poet. Sadly, I can't give you this image.

I am in a bus climbing through high jungle, passing villages bordered by tall trees. It is raining. The river to our right is swelling rapidly, water cascades down the cliffs to our left. Soapy people laugh and call to each other as they splash under waterfalls, pipes and spouting.

It isn't a trickle, Lori. This water is quite fast.

This is the great value of workshopping poetry; how else could we know that the reader has the wrong images? Thanks everyone, for telling me.

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Here ya are, Lary:

http://www.wowwi.orc.ru/cgi-bin/shuttle/ha...r_id=1144326936

[laryalee]

Oh, I Googled, Kathy...
that site is where students take published haiku
and translate it.

Your haiku was in Paper Wasp...way to go!
(I guess I did see it back then.)
It's on the bottom of the page, but don't let that
bother you...some very prominant names are down there!

http://members.optusnet.com.au/paperwasp/selections2005.html

You must start sending more of your haiku out!


Lary

[Guest_Kathy_*]

I knew it was in Paper Wasp. I actually sent some in last year. But there was a chap who asked me for some, as well.

Anyway...

Thank you Lary. It is not likely though.

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Kathy,

For me, this image works in your description because now I see the rainforest, the cliffs and the waterfall(ing):

soapy men
bathe beneath cliff's cascades --
monsoon

Cheers
~Cleo

[Guest_Kathy_*]

Thanks for your interest, Lori.

There's a problem with 'cliff's cascades' though. Mud, rocks and vegetation roar down the cliffs during the monsoon.

[Terocon101]

Hi Kathy,

Just one suggestion, I would change it thus:

monsoon--
soapy women
beneath the drain

I think it works much better now, for me.


Terry

[AMETHYST]

Hi Kathy,

monsoon--
soapy men
beneath the drain

I like this a lot. We use the word drain also for the same many definitions as you've described. What takes me further from the larger image of drain, or in forest or by waterfalls, is the word 'soapy ...' When I read the full image, I get a more private bathing. So I suppose, is your intent for soapy really 'soapy' Is the image of men bathing outside? or is it the image of water, rapidily flowing that creates that foamy appearence? ...

Once I think I know where the soap comes in, I hope to be able to offer something that might help- or even more so, will see your intent and be able to appreciate this for it's worth. I do however see the dramatic scenario and love it. I just feel that perhaps a different choice of words to imply the scene might help a bit.


Big Hugs, Liz ...

PS on another note, I couldn't write such a strong and relative image at all! :) Biggest Hugs... Liz