Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews [Powered by Invision Power Board]

Posted by: Eisa Aug 29 10, 18:14

Here's another oldie (very old) -- just wondering if there were any improvements I can make before it hits the finished drawer.

Skin on Skin

They drink with gusto; thirst assuaged
yet unrequited hungers rage.
Their dance commences; undulations
shed her filmy negligee
to drape the floor. A lithe display
of belly-dancing; titillations.

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;
He sidles closer, starts to nuzzle
-- lost in lust they intertwine
instinctively, physiques combine
dove tailing in a sultry puzzle.

As fervour bubbles to a boil
and overflows; fulfilled they coil
behind their safety glass. I glance,
at you; we share a drink, before
my silk chemise slips on the floor --
a prelude to our mating dance.

-----------------------------------------------

Recent tweaks (thanks Liz)
St1 L3 was 'The dance commences'
Last St L1 was 'Fervour bubbles to a boil'

St2 L3 - have changed slithers to sidles

Posted by: AMETHYST Aug 29 10, 22:21

Hey Snow!!!!

I remember this. I am intrigued by the sensual build up and the change over from spectator to participant - There is wonderful sound movement here that adds a auditorial pleasure when read aloud, and strong images to grasp the readers attention. There are certain word uses that help to define S1's participants as reptilian - I especially felt L4-L6 opens the mind of the reader and gives more depth to S2. The only suggestion (and albeit, not so necessary would be In S1, L3 Perhaps "Their dance commences;) In S3 (My favorite) - I would only suggest L1, "As fervour ..."

Otherwise, this is a keeper. Love it. A strong silhouette of an evening alone, together watching the contrasts of foreplay between the different species between our own and reptilian... A great poem!!!

Big Hugs, Liz

QUOTE

Skin on Skin

They drink with gusto; thirst assuaged
yet unrequited hungers rage.
The dance commences; undulations
shed her filmy negligee
to drape the floor. A lithe display
of belly-dancing; titillations.

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;
He slithers closer, starts to nuzzle
-- lost in lust they intertwine
instinctively, physiques combine
dove tailing in a sultry puzzle.

Fervour bubbles to a boil
and overflows; fulfilled they coil
behind their safety glass. I glance,
at you; we share a drink, before
my silk chemise slips on the floor --
a prelude to our mating dance.

Posted by: Eisa Aug 30 10, 03:01

Hey Liz

Great suggestions - Their dance commences sounds much better

I don't know why I didn't start thet last stanza without 'As' as it leaves me a syllable short. Ah well! it was a long time ago.

It's great to have you comment on this!

Hugs Snow

Posted by: JLY Aug 31 10, 05:32

Snow:

This has a lot of sensuality in it and no matter what species, it is packed with heated moments.

One question for you:
is it: their safety glass

or is it our safety glass? Which one of us needs to be protected?

I am not sure about "puzzle". I know you want to match up with nuzzle, but I do not see anything as being a puzzle. The mating dance is quite apparent to everyone and it ends as it should...I don't really see the mystery in it.

For me, these lines really stand out in both their image and their sound as they roll off my tongue:

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;

A great poem that I think is about ready to cross the finish line.

JLY

Posted by: Eisa Aug 31 10, 17:04

QUOTE (JLY @ Aug 31 10, 11:32 )

Snow:

This has a lot of sensuality in it and no matter what species, it is packed with heated moments.

One question for you:
is it: their safety glass

or is it our safety glass? Which one of us needs to be protected?

I am not sure about "puzzle". I know you want to match up with nuzzle, but I do not see anything as being a puzzle. The mating dance is quite apparent to everyone and it ends as it should...I don't really see the mystery in it.

For me, these lines really stand out in both their image and their sound as they roll off my tongue:

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;

A great poem that I think is about ready to cross the finish line.

JLY

Hi John

You have made some interesting points which have made me think!

Yes- 'our safety glass' might be more approriate. I'll change that one.

I see your point about 'puzzle' although I was meaning a jigsaw puzzle - dovetailing together. It never struck me that someone might see the other meaning. I'll have to think on that one - get my rhyming head on too!

Thanks for giving me something to chew on!

Snow

Posted by: bombadil1247 Sep 5 10, 06:30

Hi, Snow,

more stripping and this time mixed with a bit of voyerism, should we be worried? I've arrived late so not much to add to the crits you've already had on this. Only tiny suggestion would be to use 'speckled' rather than 'freckled' in S2,l1 for the sibilance though that removes the ambiguity earlier than l3's 'slithers' - an alternative might be to use 'sidles' there to keep the ambiguity going. Did enjoy this, and the comments are yours to use or lose of course,
Jim

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 5 10, 22:45

Hey Snow ...

Although the revisions are minor, they have made a strong presence in the ease of the flow in both meaning and sound. This one is surely a keeper... I would love to get your poetry in a chapbook! :)

Hugs, Liz

Posted by: Eisa Sep 8 10, 14:12

QUOTE (bombadil1247 @ Sep 5 10, 12:30 )

Hi, Snow,

more stripping and this time mixed with a bit of voyerism, should we be worried?

I've arrived late so not much to add to the crits you've already had on this. Only tiny suggestion would be to use 'speckled' rather than 'freckled' in S2,l1 for the sibilance though that removes the ambiguity earlier than l3's 'slithers' - an alternative might be to use 'sidles' there to keep the ambiguity going. Did enjoy this, and the comments are yours to use or lose of course,
Jim

Hi Jim

Well perhaps you should be worried - I've also written about an old flame in Seren's. I don't know what's come over me! LOL!

I love the change from 'slithers' to 'sidles' - which keeps the reader guessing a bit longer.

I'm not sure about 'speckeld skin' as I chose 'freckled as it resembled human skin. I'll think on that one.

Thanks for your help Jim - always welcome.

Snow

Posted by: Eisa Sep 8 10, 14:17

QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Sep 6 10, 04:45 )

Hey Snow ...

Although the revisions are minor, they have made a strong presence in the ease of the flow in both meaning and sound. This one is surely a keeper... I would love to get your poetry in a chapbook! :)

Hugs, Liz

Hi Liz

Thanks for getting back to this one. I won Odin's last year so you will be seeing my work in a chapbook. I am two thirds finished. Also, I have 2 more chapbooks one quarter finished - just waiting for inspiration. LOL!

Hugs
Snow

Posted by: AMETHYST Sep 9 10, 22:04

I am still working on my manuscript for my chapbook ... Lori is probably fuming that I have'nt gotten that out of the way yet. You know what ... that's what I am going to start working on getting those poems finalized and start some new stuff to get into it... My cousin took a few pictures that I am interested in using for the cover ... Now I am getting excited. Can't wait to see yours.

Love you, Liz

Posted by: Eisa Sep 10 10, 17:02

You'll get there Liz - we'll get there!!!!

Glad you've got some photos for inspiration. It's so easy to sink into apathy - I've been there! I hoped to get my book done ages ago, but lost interest -bit by bit, I'm getting there now.

Can't wait to see yours finished too!

Snow

Posted by: heartsong7 Sep 11 10, 07:46

Hi Snow,
This is ingenious. When I saw the bit about flickering tongues inhaling, I was all set to use that as the only nit I could find to pick, when I realized that it's snakes you're talking about.
Love the imagery, the meter and rhymes are flawless to my ear, and again the premise is brilliant.
I say, it's good to go.
Great to read your wonderful work again.
Sue

Posted by: Eisa Sep 13 10, 16:06

QUOTE (heartsong7 @ Sep 11 10, 13:46 )

Hi Snow,
This is ingenious. When I saw the bit about flickering tongues inhaling, I was all set to use that as the only nit I could find to pick, when I realized that it's snakes you're talking about.
Love the imagery, the meter and rhymes are flawless to my ear, and again the premise is brilliant.
I say, it's good to go.
Great to read your wonderful work again.
Sue

Thanks Sue - glad you enjoyed this. It's great to se you back here.

Snow

Posted by: anaisa Sep 17 10, 00:31

Hey Eisa!

Loved it~ I see nuthin to pick at ;-)

K

QUOTE (Eisa @ Aug 29 10, 18:14 )

Here's another oldie (very old) -- just wondering if there were any improvements I can make before it hits the finished drawer.

Skin on Skin

They drink with gusto; thirst assuaged
yet unrequited hungers rage.
Their dance commences; undulations
shed her filmy negligee
to drape the floor. A lithe display
of belly-dancing; titillations.

Flickering tongues on freckled skin
inhale the musky scents within;
He sidles closer, starts to nuzzle
-- lost in lust they intertwine
instinctively, physiques combine
dove tailing in a sultry puzzle.

As fervour bubbles to a boil
and overflows; fulfilled they coil
behind their safety glass. I glance,
at you; we share a drink, before
my silk chemise slips on the floor --
a prelude to our mating dance.

-----------------------------------------------

Recent tweaks (thanks Liz)
St1 L3 was 'The dance commences'
Last St L1 was 'Fervour bubbles to a boil'

St2 L3 - have changed slithers to sidles

Posted by: Eisa Sep 17 10, 17:26

QUOTE (anaisa @ Sep 17 10, 06:31 )