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3/4/16 Times 10, Colorful |
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Mar 13 16, 11:20
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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Here's a trio. The first 2 are in the Facebook section. Third isn't. Go ahead and break the hard-clad rules and comment as you wish, including critique.
1 Wild Horses
Violet twilight! Horses, dark horses, pale horses, sorrels, bays, pintos and blacks, tramp and trot thru meadows and woods. Wild. Foals at play, pace, prance and frolic. Dams keep watchful eyes on coltish antics. (original = activities)
Humming a parting tune, the sun sinks as darkness grasps firm handholds. A moon slice cringes near a cloud; stars strive to make dark sparkle.
violet, twilight, horses, pale, tramp, pace, hum, grasp, cringe, strive.
2 Los Caballos
Twilight fades. A pale violet moon casts shadows across the valley.
Sometimes they remind me of you: grasping unattainable castles, cringing at thoughts of failure while striving to catch comets. We tramped thru hum-drum, kept pace with trend setters, wined and dined and danced.
Violet moonlit shadows wander the valley; what peace there is in watching horses.
twilight, pale, violet, grasp, cringe, strive, tramp, hum, pace, horses.
3 When I was a Lad.
Often would I tramp over meadows and find violets amidst pale pink clover reaches when I was a lad.
Stopping by the creek where cattle and horses drank, I lingered a while, shirtless, watching hummingbirds perform aerobatics (original = sky antics) when I was a lad.
Lady Killdeer nested somewhere among pebbles, camouflaged. She'd cringe in my presence, using her “broken wing” ruse to lure me away when I was a lad.
Striving for freedom is a shared dream, and I set my pace to sunshine and green, grasping tree limbs on my way to the top when I was a lad.
At twilight time when Mr Artisan Sun disappeared down west, I too made my way back home when I was a lad.
tramp, violets, pale, horses, hum, cringe, strive, pace, grasp, twilight.
Alternate and original trial version below>>>
3 – When I was a Lad. –
Often would I tramp over meadows and find violets amidst pale pink, fragrant clover reaches, – when I was a lad. –
Stopping by the creek where cattle and horses drink, I lingered a while, shirtless, watching hummingbirds perform sky antics, – when I was a lad. –
Lady Killdeer nested somewhere among pebbles, camouflaged. She'd cringe in my presence, using her “broken wing” ruse to lure me away, – when I was a lad. –
Striving for freedom is a shared dream, and I set my pace to sunshine and green, grasping tree limbs on my way to the top, – when I was a lad. –
At twilight time when Mr Artisan Sun disappeared down west, I, too, made my way back home, – when I was a lad. –
tramp, violets, pale, horses, hum, cringe, strive, pace, grasp, twilight.
This is an experiment to see if it works. I have it in the other version also, V1 below >>>
Often would I tramp over meadows and find violets amidst pale pink, fragrant clover reaches, – when I was a lad. –
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Mar 13 16, 14:53
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 11,376
Joined: 15-June 07
From: Springfield, Louisiana
Member No.: 446
Real Name: Larry D. Jennings
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Just wondered in.
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Hi Merlin,
You've given me two very good reasons to join Facebook! If for no other cause than to read your work on a regular basis.
As always, you bring the reader into your world and fill them with enjoyment and laughter (or both a lot of the time).
Thanks for posting these. Loved all three.
Larry
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Mar 13 16, 20:53
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 10-November 15
From: Sunny Florida
Member No.: 5,293
Real Name: YC
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:TCP
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QUOTE (Merlin @ Mar 13 16, 12:20 ) Here's a trio. The first 2 are in the Facebook section. Third isn't. Go ahead and break the hard-clad rules and comment as you wish, including critique.
Thanks for the invite Merlin! Here we go!
Luce
1 Wild Horses
Violet twilight! Horses, dark horses, pale horses, sorrels, bays, pintos and blacks, tramp and trot thru meadows and woods. Wild. Foals at play, pace, prance and frolic. Dams keep watchful eyes on coltish activities.
Humming a parting tune, the sun sinks as darkness grasps firm handholds. A moon slice cringes near a cloud; stars strive to make dark sparkle.
violet, twilight, horses, pale, tramp, pace, hum, grasp, cringe, strive.
WOW!!!! You know your horses. Love the sound. It jumps like the horses. Only suggestion - coltish antics instead of coltish activities.
2 Los Cabellos
I think you mean caballos (horses) / cabellos/pelos refers to just hair.
Twilight fades. A pale violet moon casts shadows across the valley.
Sometimes they remind me of you:
Maybe "these things" rather than "they".
grasping unattainable castles, cringing at thoughts of failure while striving to catch comets. We tramped thru hum-drum, kept pace with trend setters, wined and dined and danced.
Violet moonlit shadows wander the valley; what peace there is in watching horses.
I like how the last line turns but I think you need to flesh out the result of all the wining, dining, dancing and keeping pace. It could be as simple as adding these words or similar ones to L9 describing an emotional or spiritual exhaustion.
wined and dined and danced "till spent".
[/i]twilight, pale, violet, grasp, cringe, strive, tramp, hum, pace, horses.
3 – When I was a Lad. –
Often would I tramp over meadows and find violets amidst pale pink, fragrant clover reaches, – when I was a lad. –
I'd delete "fragrant. Makes the line tighter.
Stopping by the creek where cattle and horses drink, I lingered a while, shirtless, watching hummingbirds perform sky antics, – when I was a lad. –
Lady Killdeer nested somewhere among pebbles, camouflaged. She'd cringe in my presence, using her “broken wing” ruse to lure me away, – when I was a lad. –
Striving for freedom is a shared dream, and I set my pace to sunshine and green, grasping tree limbs on my way to the top, – when I was a lad. –
At twilight time when Mr Artisan Sun disappeared down west, I, too, made my way back home, – when I was a lad. –
Missing period for Mr. I don't think you need so many commas surrounding "I", ....west, I too made....
tramp, violets, pale, horses, hum, cringe, strive, pace, grasp, twilight.
This is an experiment to see if it works. I have it in the other version also, V1 below >>>
Often would I tramp over meadows and find violets amidst pale pink, fragrant clover reaches, – when I was a lad. –
If you're referring to the line length in this version, than I prefer the shorter lines. It reads more like a poem with the shorter lines. I don't think you need a "," and a "-" together. Just pick one method either the ",' or "-". I like the list of memories. Very real but with a soft dreamy quality to it.
Luce
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Mar 15 16, 00:00
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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Thank you for the insight, Luce. It's appreciated, especially the horse/hair bit. Up north here we are getting more migrant Mexican workers, but I have little opportunity to speak Spanish, even while my reading it improves. I'll make the correction forthwith!
We're 100% on the 'activities' word choice; it had already poked me in the eye when doing a re-read. Your other comments are all good, and I'll be looking things over closely over the next day.
As to the experiment, I did that to see how it might work. I first did it all in line-break fashion, then tried the delete-delete key to bring all into one line. I'll repost the other also. Sandburg did run-on lines, but I'm not a big fan of such.
There tis,
Merlin
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Mar 15 16, 12:10
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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I've posted my first version of #3 above, with some changes as per suggestions.
Regarding those>>> I'd delete "fragrant.” Makes the line tighter. Quite right, fragrant adds nothing, was most probably a word I used, then amidst changes it stayed put.
Missing period for Mr. I don't think you need so many commas surrounding …
Periods in greetings have often fallen away, modernization of the language or laziness – I'm not sure. I see it often and have gotten used to going that route. It's become accepted like other grammatical things. (I recall school days when we were taught that “alright” was alwrong! It was “all right” but now “alright” is accepted in dictionaries.) The “I, too,” is grammatical correct, but same reason – not necessary. Commas are often over-used and I've taken a load out for later use!
Thank you once again.
Merlin
PS - still looking at tweaks
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Mar 16 16, 17:06
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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Hi Larry, I apologize for the oversight and not recognizing your comment. I actually thought I had done so in my reply. Must be getting on - oh dear!
Thank you for the comment, as always, most appreciated. As for Facebook, I'm not overly active there but have it for different resources, such as news because I don't watch TV. A lot of interesting stuff appears, depending on what you select. I would say it's worth a shot, and you need not be really active. You may remember Ron, aka jgdittier, once present here at MM. He's on FB, but never looks in.
Hope you'll excuse my error here.
Merlin
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Mar 16 16, 17:56
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 248
Joined: 10-November 15
From: Sunny Florida
Member No.: 5,293
Real Name: YC
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:TCP
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QUOTE (Merlin @ Mar 16 16, 18:06 ) Hi Larry, I apologize for the oversight and not recognizing your comment. I actually thought I had done so in my reply. Must be getting on - oh dear!
Thank you for the comment, as always, most appreciated. As for Facebook, I'm not overly active there but have it for different resources, such as news because I don't watch TV. A lot of interesting stuff appears, depending on what you select. I would say it's worth a shot, and you need not be really active. You may remember Ron, aka jgdittier, once present here at MM. He's on FB, but never looks in.
Hope you'll excuse my error here.
Merlin I'm usually accused of using too many commas myself. But, I always found that it's easier to take one out than put one in. I saw you put the comma before "when I was a lad" in the first stanza but not the others. Don't know if you meant that or not. Luce
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Mar 17 16, 10:11
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 2,085
Joined: 24-May 04
From: Time, Immoral
Member No.: 66
Writer of: Poetry
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Arrrgh! Durn things. I know I took that comma out, but it must have snuck in when I looked the other way. Well said - you can always remove unwanted ones.
Thanks
M
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