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> Senryu, Japanese form: 5-7-5 or less
Eisa
post Oct 26 04, 17:29
Post #41


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Hey Daniel and Grace wave.gif

You are both very good at this, and I am enjoying learning from your vast array of talent here.

Here's one I wrote when I was thinking about my autistic son


disability
first appearances deceive
look beyond the shell

peel the layers away
search deep inside the kernel
- the essence is found.


Snow


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JustDaniel
post Oct 26 04, 22:35
Post #42


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Hey, Snow!  Great to have you drop in to learn along with us.  

I think this is an excellent pair of senryu, substantially.  I only see an extra syllable and an unnecessary use of the passive voice.  As you suggested yourself elsewhere, you may punctuate differently too.

Here's a possible:

disability:
first appearances deceive;
look beyond the shell

peel (the) layers away;
search deep inside the kernel
(-) to find the essence (is found.)

Whatcha think, Snow?  ... and Grace?

sharin' a bit o' Light, Daniel  sun.gif


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Cybele
post Oct 27 04, 00:47
Post #43


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Good morning Daniel,

sun.gif


QUOTE
alcoholic home;
dad trips over son’s toy pail,
then kicks the bucket


Three emotions in two thoughts!  dread, comic revenge, dead!!!  Speechless.gif

This one really stirs the emotions doesn't it? Fascinating Daniel.


our favourite walk;
long autumn shadows
but where is yours ?


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif


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Grace


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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


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Cybele
post Oct 27 04, 00:59
Post #44


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Why! good morning Eisa,  sings.gif  cheer.gif  dance.gif

How lovely to see you here.

Daniel will tell you that I easily get confused around this forum, so I will wait for you to reply to his crit before jumping in and joining the melee LOL.gif

It's lovely to see you here. I have fallen in love with Japanese verse and spend a great deal of time here. My mind doesn't seem able to cope with a longer poem at present, so I keep myself busy this way!!

I will be back when you have replied. I hope the sun is shining in your world my friend.

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif


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Grace


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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


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JustDaniel
post Oct 27 04, 05:21
Post #45


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QUOTE
our favourite walk;
long autumn shadows
but where is yours ?

Now that is a fascinating one, Grace! Methinks you're talking with your husband today?  This is a heart-stopper, my friend.  I quietly applaud.

If I'm correct in my assumption, with some adjustments you could transform this into the first katauta of a mondo... and reply with comforting words from your memory of your beloved.  Whatcha think?  Whatever you do, this is a keeper!

chilly fall mourning
tracing buildings through a fog;
London derrière


© MLee Dickens'son 27 Oct 2004

Now, as to Snow's piece... since when do you have no independent opinion?!  And when did this become a melee?!  Ain't nobody here tryin' to decapitate the pride o' no soldiers battlin' it out!  We's jest larnin' together, m'Lady!

melee-mouthed

no battle royal,
no plumage to de-helmet;
just chicken feathers


© MLee Dickens'son 27 Oct 2004

P.S.  Pardon me faux-ku; if'n ya decapitates it, ya gets a senryu!

sLightly cheekily with tongue firmly implanted therein, Daniel  sun.gif


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Cybele
post Oct 27 04, 08:15
Post #46


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Hello Daniel,


QUOTE
Now that is a fascinating one, Grace! Methinks you're talking with your husband today?  This is a heart-stopper, my friend.  I quietly applaud.

If I'm correct in my assumption, with some adjustments you could transform this into the first katauta of a mondo... and reply with comforting words froom your memory of your beloved.  Whatcha think?  Whatever you do, this is a keeper


A very good idea Daniel. Idea.gif  Will do that. Yes, I talk to him all the time, just as if he were here, and generally I feel that he is ~ but occasionally I think he goes walkabout, and I suddenly feel bereft. Then, at my lowest I feel a sudden warmth and know that he has returned to me.


QUOTE
chilly fall mourning
tracing buildings through a fog;
London derrière


A very rare occurrence now since the smokeless fuel law was introduced years ago Daniel. We called it smog (smoke and fog).

QUOTE
Now, as to Snow's piece... since when do you have no independent opinion?!  And when did this become a melee?!  Ain't nobody here tryin' to decapitate the pride o' no soldiers battlin' it out!  We's jest larnin' together, m'Lady!


Just thought I would let Eisa digest your suggestions first yankee doodle pal of mine LOL.gif

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif


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Love

Grace


http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



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JustDaniel
post Oct 27 04, 08:43
Post #47


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I know, Grace.  Just practicin' with my epee on ya!

... and did you not see the allusion to "Londonderry Air"  Do I have to write about the London Dairy air to get your attention? ... or were you just snubbing your Brit nose at this Yankee's thoughts?  :read:

splashing at the air
epeeing tirelessly;
stress relieved


streaming away Lightly, Daniel  :sun:


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Cybele
post Oct 27 04, 09:20
Post #48


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Ha Ha Daniel,  dance.gif

QUOTE
... and did you not see the allusion to "Londonderry Air"  Do I have to write about the London Dairy air to get your attention? ... or were you just snubbing your Brit nose at this Yankee's thoughts?
 



Now would I do a thing like that my friend.  No I was only thinking of the backside of London, which I am always very glad to see when returning to the glories of Somerset.  I missed the Londonderry air. one of my favourite songs too!! How remiss of me.

QUOTE
splashing at the air
epeeing tirelessly;
stress relieved


This, on the other hand is not quite as subtle I feel.  LOL.gif

Here is another one for you to get you teeth into Daniel.  king.gif


nuns after mass;
clustered together, heads bowed
critiquing the sermon



Love

Grace
rainbow.gif

P.S Am just going to post the solo/mondo as suggested.


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Grace


http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



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Cybele
post Oct 27 04, 09:29
Post #49


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Here you are Daniel, Jester.gif

Have fun!

first frosty morning;
I find long-lost sunglasses
where are my gloves?


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif


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Love

Grace


http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



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JustDaniel
post Oct 27 04, 11:12
Post #50


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QUOTE
nuns after mass;
clustered together, heads bowed
critiquing the sermon

Now that is one to chew on a bit!  detective.gif

none is so cloistered
that she'd not turn on frier;
grit battered chicken


QUOTE
first frosty morning;
I find long-lost sunglasses
where are my gloves?


hmmmm

secretly dipped gloves
in fat to smear sunglasses;
finger-lickin' gooed


sLightly blurry, Daniel  sun.gif


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Eisa
post Oct 27 04, 18:58
Post #51


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Hello there Daniel nd Grace

Your verses have me fascinated -- tugging my heart strings and making me smile.  :cloud9:

I must say this form does appeal to me -- intriguing at times. I don't think I can ever keep up with you two, but you are keeping my interest.


Thanks for your suggestions Daniel -- much improved. I think I was pronouncing `layers' as one syllable as some people do -- but I usually don't. it's the punctuation I feel a bit lost with -- then I always am Jester.gif

Here's one I wrote after reading about Grace's walk

my favourite walk:
by a stream beneath the trees;
sit to contemplate


See you soon

Snow Snowflake.gif


·······IPB·······

Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal.
Write from the heart - it's therapeutic.
Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin!

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

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JustDaniel
post Oct 28 04, 01:55
Post #52


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cheer.gif So good to see you thinkin' and feelin' in here along with us, Snow!

deLightful Snowfall
drifting wherever she may;
sparkles for dawning
Snowflake.gif


Now, as to your struggles with punctuation... and your thought-provoking piece...
QUOTE
my favourite walk:
by a stream beneath the trees;
sit to contemplate

contemplate a stream
interrupted by beavers;
dammed punctuation


sharin' deLight, Daniel  sun.gif


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Cybele
post Oct 28 04, 02:37
Post #53


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Good Morning Eisa,  dance.gif



QUOTE
my favourite walk:
by a stream beneath the trees;
sit to contemplate



Oh that punctruation Eisa, don't I know about that??  NO !! rofl.gif
No, but seriously, I have gradually learned that serious haiku writers don't bother with punctuation these days relying on the wording to indicate the break between two separate thoughts.

Having said that, I am still so new to this that I don't always have the confidence to leave out at least a semi-colon.

As Daniel says, Haiku should be written so that the whole thing can be read aloud in one breath.

If like me, while learning you need the prop of a semi-colon, make sure that it separates your two dis-similar, but linked thoughts. So your lovely piece would read.

QUOTE
my favourite walk
by a stream beneath the trees;
sit to contemplate




The only other point I would make Eisa, is that the picture you present should ALWAYS be in the present and leave something for the reader to work out. For your last line therefore, how about...

my favourite walk
by a stream beneath the trees;
deep reflection



This last line now conveys your mood as well as linking itself to the stream.

Just a thought, Chuck or choose.

Daniel's reply of course is brilliant. Not only does his wit put a smile on your face, it also encourages you to keep writing.  dance.gif  



Love

Grace
rainbow.gif


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Love

Grace


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Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



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JustDaniel
post Oct 28 04, 03:29
Post #54


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Hey, y'all...

This is poor, but my mind is drifting back to bed. I'd fallen asleep in the living room, woke up to take meds and go to bed, and now they're kicking in...

clear Caribbean
on sea bed in diving bell;
deep reflection


nighters!  - Daniel  sun.gif


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Cybele
post Oct 28 04, 03:43
Post #55


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Hi Sleepy head  wink.gif


QUOTE
clear Caribbean
on sea bed in diving bell;
deep reflection



Sounds like a presage of my forthcoming holiday in Jamaica Daniel, but I'm no diving belle, although I can't wait to go snorkelling on the reefs.

I'd fallen asleep in the living room, woke up to take meds and go to bed,

Doesn't that always get you? Over here if you are admitted to hospital, apart from being ill, you are generally very tired and just when you have fallen into a peaceful sleep ~ they wake you up to give you a sleeping pill.  Speechless.gif  oops.gif  upside.gif  medusa.gif

Love

Grace
rainbow.gif


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Love

Grace


http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



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JustDaniel
post Oct 28 04, 07:35
Post #56


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wave.gif did Jamaica cake
to send off your holiday?
belles still knead to wring!


... darn, and I can't even swim the length of a pool!  I'd have to have my grandsons' swimmies or a life jacket to join ya!

now...

dive into another before you fly off!

deLightingly, Daniel  :sun:


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Cybele
post Oct 29 04, 03:37
Post #57


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Hi Daniel,

Not off till 14th December!. This is a Christmas holiday. We return on New Year’s Eve ~ leaving Jamaica at 11.45pm (which means, unfortunately we will cross five time zones, so we will have to celebrate New Year 6 times. upside.gif  :oops:  I don’t think I need worry about jet lag. LOL.gif

Meanwhile:

new neighbour
superglued to a power tool
buy new ear plugs


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif


·······IPB·······

Love

Grace


http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



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JustDaniel
post Oct 29 04, 05:31
Post #58


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Referred By:Lori



QUOTE
new neighbour
superglued to a power tool
buy new ear plugs

Wizard.gif on house and garage
implant surround sound speakers;
scare with raceway tapes
ghostface.gif


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Cybele
post Oct 29 04, 09:04
Post #59


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Hi Daniel,

oops.gif

on house and garage
implant surround sound speakers;
scare with raceway tapes  
detective.gif

Can you enlighten me? What are raceway tapes?



rousing 1812
wearing my marigold gloves
conducting the bells


Love

Grace
rainbow.gif


·······IPB·······

Love

Grace


http://mysite.orange.co.uk/graceingreece

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.


Nominate a tile for the Crown Jewels and Faery Awards today! For details, go to the Valley of the Kings!



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JustDaniel
post Oct 29 04, 14:49
Post #60


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Raceway tapes would be sounds from a race track:  racing cars or motorcycles... as though they were flying through the space between your property and your neighbor's.  That ought bring him out to see who's disturbin' his power toolin'!

I'll be back to comment on your SUPERB senryu, Grace...

we're off to see Ray

deLightingly, Daniel cool.gif


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