Sunday's Sermon from The Fort Worth Art Exhibition, Assonance and a strange rhyme Options

[TygerTyger]

After some contemplation, I made some minor changes to this one. Not many but a few that I hope will provide a smoother read.

Thanx again one and all!


Revision 1

Paint perfectly placed
with the perfected skill
of eye and mind and hand.
Portraits that reconsider
our common life,
here on display,
so we’ll pause and understand.

With techniques they trace
to the ancient masters,
they intricately interlace
Colour and Line
and Shadow and Space
and Figure and Ground,
with consummate grace.
These fellow human beings
who have chosen to illuminate our souls
with the truths they’ve bound
in imagery gross and graceful,
subtle and seductive,
provocative and profound.

~

And pictures made without paint
are here for us too.
Science and Art
reaching together
through this unique and new
point of view.

Manipulating light
with innovative machines,
they capture quite eloquently
the identity
and whimsy
of animals
and people
and all the fantastic places
and all the fantastic things
that compose our shared reality.
Exposing for our study,
everything in our sight,
guiding us to glimpse
the brilliance we ignore
in our hurried, daily flight.

~

Now,
we’re underneath huge forms,
precariously balanced,
sensitive to the gentle breeze.
Delicately dancing,
swaying
and turning,
like the sword of Damocles.

Forms without function;
yet functioning just the same.
A Mobile,
but, immobile:
What’s revealed in a name?

~

Here we pause to contemplate
succulent, sensuous shapes;
solid where they stand,
seducing our eye and hand.
Epigones they’ve bequeathed
with an essence all their own;
tri-dimensional metaphors,
devised in wood and metal
and glass and stone.

~

And here;
they’ve embodied the intimacy
in Human sexuality.
A fleeting moment permanent;
suffused with differing texture,
lovingly diffusive of light;
a Man and Woman embrace
and a Child,
whose Father and Mother
hold docile,
erotically beguiled.

~

And now,
tired from emotion,
and all this walking about,
I squeeze your ever present hand
as we sit a few minutes out
of the flow of passing people,
who we watch with keener insight-
trying to get it right.

Original

Paint placed perfectly
with the perfected skill
of mind and eye and hand.
Portraits that reconsider
our common life,
here on display,
so we’ll pause and understand.

With techniques they trace
to the ancient masters,
they intricately interlace
Colour and Line
and Shadow and Space
and Figure and Ground,
with consummate grace.
These fellow human beings
who have chosen to
illuminate our souls
with the truths they’ve bound
in imagery gross and graceful,
subtle and seductive,
provocative and profound.
~
And pictures made without paint
are here for us too.
Science and Art reaching together
through this unique and new
point of view.

Manipulating light
with innovative machines,
they capture quite eloquently
the whimsy and identity
of animals and people
and all the fantastic places
and all the fantastic things
that compose our shared reality.
Exposing for our study,
everything in our sight,
helping us glimpse
the brilliance we ignore
in our hurried, daily flight.
~
And here’s a new expression
I’m very pleased to see-
They use computers
to illustrate accurately
the shape of the Wisdom
in our universe
through the astute eyes
of mathematical realities!
~
Now we’re underneath
huge forms,
precariously balanced,
sensitive to the gentle breeze.
Delicately dancing,
swaying and turning,
like the sword of Damocles.

Forms without function;
yet functioning
just the same.
A Mobile
but immobile:
What’s revealed in a name?
~
Here we pause to contemplate
succulent, sensuous shapes;
solid where they stand,
seducing our eye and hand.
Epigones they’ve bequeathed
with an essence all their own;
tri-dimensional metaphors,
devised in wood and metal
and glass and stone.

And here;
they’ve embodied the intimacy
in Human sexuality.
A fleeting moment permanent;
suffused with differing texture,
lovingly diffusive of light;
a Man and Woman embrace
and a Child,
whose Father and Mother
hold docile,
erotically beguiled.
~
And now,
tired from emotion,
and all this walking about,
I squeeze your ever present hand
as we sit a few minutes out
of the flow of passing people,
who we watch with keener insight-
trying to get it right..

[JustDaniel]

Hey, Dennis...

I've read this a couple of times so far, and I certainly like it, and as you indicated, there as much assonance and lots of rhyme interspersed through this... but honestly, to me, it feels as though it is posted in the wrong arena. Isn't this still free verse... ? in fact the kind of FV I myself am experimenting with...

If it isn't, then I'm really baffled, folks.

Once I get a bit more direction, I'll certainly be back to visit, my friend. I have already enjoyed what you bring to this board.

deLighting in my visits, Daniel

[Cleo_Serapis]

Moving this to our free verse forum (since no set form is evident _ please DO correct me if I'm wrong) and the rhyme scheme is sporatic.

Dennis - welcome again!

Glad to see you getting your feet wet!

I'll be back again for a critique (but it might be a bit)...

Cheers
~Cleo

[AMETHYST]

Hello Dennis,

I too would consider this free verse, as many of my own free verse poems are written with meter in mind and I use many of the tools of the trade, including alliteration, assonance and inner rhymes to enhance the appealing senses of sound.
What I liked about this in addition to the lovely sounds through out was the theme, the subject is relative to all of us and there is some quite powerful creative angles you've offered the reader to keep my attention. What I felt needed some improvement was a need to weed out unnecessary words and repeats through out. Also to consider some alternate line breaks.


Let me go stanza by stanza and see what I see!

Best Wishes, Liz

Paint placed perfectly
with the perfected skill
of mind and eye and hand.
Portraits that reconsider
our common life,
here on display,
so we’ll pause and understand.

In L2, the repeat of 'perfected' is redundant because L1 already implies its flawlessness. If you feel that 'perfected skill' is what you'd rather salvage than how about... Some other points are the weeding of unnecessary words, I will leave an example of what I would choose as possibilities. Of course you are welcome to use or lose whatever fits your intention, as this is your poem!

In the final line you might consider 'we pause to understand.' Allows the image more motion. As it stands now, it sounds debateable. As if the narrator is not sure of the action and what reasoning is behind it.

Here's my example:

Paint perfectly placed
with precisioned skill;
of mind and eye and hand.
Portraits, reconsider
our common life, displayed;
we pause to understand.



With techniques they trace
to the ancient masters,
they intricately interlace
Colour and Line
and Shadow and Space
and Figure and Ground,
with consummate grace.
These fellow human beings
who have chosen to
illuminate our souls
with the truths they’ve bound
in imagery gross and graceful,
subtle and seductive,
provocative and profound.

L1, perhaps 'that trace' and omit the 'to' in L2. To bring out that simularity and sense of keeping the quality of years ago. I think you've painted a very vivid picture filled with emotions and meaning. I like that the narrator speaks of art done with the essence of 'the masters' How you've weaved the spirit of our existence into the strokes of the art that comes...
Here is some further weeding suggestions... )

With techniques traced
to the ancient masters,
intricately interlace
colours, lines,
soft shadows and space;
Figure and Ground,
with consummate grace.

These fellow human beings
who have chosen
to illuminate our souls
with truths; bound
in imagery gross and graceful,
subtle and seductive;
profoundly provocative.




~

And pictures made without paint
are here for us too.
Science and Art reaching together
through this unique and new
point of view.

This short stanza, might do well with a few adjustments on line breaks. L2, I felt weak. Perhaps ... created as well. L3, a line break after 'reaching' L4, suggest omit 'and new'

my example.

And pictures made
without paint
created as well.
Science and Art reaching
together through this unique
point of view.



Manipulating light
with innovative machines,
they capture quite eloquently
the whimsy and identity
of animals and people
and all the fantastic places
and all the fantastic things
that compose our shared reality.
Exposing for our study,
everything in our sight,
helping us glimpse
the brilliance we ignore
in our hurried, daily flight.

I like the repetition within L6/7 -
Again, only simple weeding out is somethign I might offer that might be of help...

Manipulating light
with innovative machines,
caturing, quite eloquently,
the whimsical identity
of animals and people.

and all the fantastic places,
and all the fantastic things
that compose our shared reality.
Exposing for our study, everything
in our sight, giving a glimpse
of the brilliance
we ignore in our hurried,
daily flight.


~

Now we’re underneath
huge forms,
precariously balanced,
sensitive to the gentle breeze.
Delicately dancing,
swaying and turning,
like the sword of Damocles.

L2, is hugh forms of importance. I might suggest omitting it, as it didn't really hold much weight in my overall image of the stanza.

Now-we're underneath,
precariously balanced,
sensitive to the gentle breeze.
Delicately dancing, swaying
and turning, like a sword
of Damocles.



Forms without function;
yet functioning
just the same.
A Mobile
but immobile:
What’s revealed in a name?

L4, perhaps ...
Mobile, but immobile:
What's revealed in a name?


~

Here we pause to contemplate
succulent, sensuous shapes;
solid where they stand,
seducing our eye and hand.
Epigones they’ve bequeathed
with an essence all their own;
tri-dimensional metaphors,
devised in wood and metal
and glass and stone.

I want to offer other word choices here... I think that this stanza comes to a most important role within the poem and words such as pause yearn to be more critical ...

Here; we cease in contemplation
of succulent, sensuous shapes;
solid where they stand,
seducing our eye and hand.

Epigones they've bequeathed
with an essence of their own;
tri-dimensional metaphors, devised
in wood and metal,
glass and stone.



~

And here;
they’ve embodied the intimacy
in Human sexuality.
A fleeting moment permanent;
suffused with differing texture,
lovingly diffusive of light;
a Man and Woman embrace
and a Child,
whose Father and Mother
hold docile,
erotically beguiled.

~

And now,
tired from emotion,
and all this walking about,
I squeeze your ever present hand
as we sit a few minutes out
of the flow of passing people,
who we watch with keener insight-
trying to get it right.

This is just IMO, but your second to last stanza would serve much stronger as the ending. The poem seems to build up using art, skills and passions compared with the essence of our live and hte life around us, the humanity of our existence as well as the existence of the entire animal kingdom and the beauty of the natural spirit of everything, which in my minds eye would then fall onto the portrait of the mother/father/child and sexuality which is the passion to bound in family...

Perhaps I am not getting the full picture (no pun intended)

Let me know if I was very very off...

Best Regards, Liz

[TygerTyger]

JD and Cleo, (sounds like a great drink!)

Gee, I thought that if something rhymed then it was automaticaly poetry?!?!






Just kidding!

I did debate where to post it and decided to post it here to see whether I was right in assuming this particular forum was soley dedicated to already defined forms. Period.
Which is okey dokey with me. If all you learned men and women here (and I say so with great respect for the things I've read) wish to catagorize this as free verse than so be it! A-men and A-men. I sway very easily where such things are concerned!

Free Verse it is! And thus to be moved!


Sweet Amethyst,

That was a great critique! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself in it. 'll bet you write some incredible Haikus!
You seem to have a gifted ability to boil down to the essential what you want to say. Something a verbose and vernacular son of a biscuit-eater, like me, has a hard time hearing. "They think they will be heard for their much speaking" was I believe how Jesus once put it!

And thank you also for 'getting' my poem. You summed up well what I was trying to express in it!

But, a little pre-history may help you to hear it in your head as I do in mine.

Molly and I skipped church one Sunday to visit the FW Art Exposition. So, as we were strolling around commenting on the exhibits to each other, the idea for this poem came to me as I realized the emotions that were being evoked in me for the talent we were surrounded with. I thus gave this poem a conversational tone, to capture the what and why, as I describe the emotions we were feeling as we wore ourselves out from taking it all in!

It occured to me that I got more out of this experience, concerning who we are as people desiring to share ourselves with the others that we share this planet with, than I would have gotten in church that day.

And since it was the first time Molly and I had been to an art exhibit together (Married June 4, 2005) it was our first chance to interact in this enviroment and the result was this poem.

So my intention was to be more conversational than poetic in my attempt to take my reader to where I went that day.

Which thing seems to be a success, judging by the accurate summation you made of this poem's intent.

I liked best your suggestion for swapping the last two stanza's because I quite agree with your reasoning behind the suggestion. But will leave it as is for that, because I deliberately wrote the ending to emphasize what, for me, is the whole point behind art, to see the world and the people in it in new and more accurate ways.

I will also mull over your other excellent ideas and see where they take me.

I can tell that I will enjoy, as I already have in my wanderings, what you will be writing and posting here. I look forward to our interaction!

Dennis!

And that goes for all the rest of you!

[JustDaniel]

Greetings again, Gregory.

Rest assured that I found your piece to indeed be POETRY; I most certainly had no trouble with that, and your explanation of your intended message was pretty much what I'd gotten out of it; perhaps I should have told you that. [ Once I get confused about ONE thing, however, my mind tends to go into lock-down; not sure what that is all about, but it's done that pretty regularly since my sophomore year in high shcool. 44-year-old reactions are hard to change, but I really am still trying!]

However, it's one thing to critique FV and quite another to critique poetry in a specific form, since one of the successes of such a piece is its use of the form IN the communication of the message.

I still struggle with offering FV critique, so what I often do is just 'play' with the author's words so that it comes out how I 'feel' it as a reader... not to indicate how I think the author should have written it, but to share as best I can my perspective. Sometimes that may help the author look just slightly differently at their own word-choices or structure... and sometimes not, of course!

So, here I go to playing!

Paint placed perfectly
with the perfected adroit skill
of mind and eye and hand[,] (.)
portraits that reconsider
our common life,
here on display [--] (,)
so we ('ll) pause to and understand.

With Their techniques they retrace steps
to the ancient masters[;] (,)
they intricately interlace
Colour and Line[,]
and Shadow and Space[,]
and Figure and Ground (,)
with consummate grace.
These fellow human beings
who have chosen to
illuminate our souls
with the truths they’ve bound
in imagery both gross and graceful,
subtle and seductive,
provocative and profound.

~

And Pictures made without paint
are here for us too[;] (.)
Science and Art reach ing together
through this a unique and new
point of view.

....

I'll stop here at this point, since I'm not sure that this is the kind of thing you may be looking for.

Please let me know if I'm on a track that could be in some way helpful.

deLighting in mutual sharing, Daniel

[Guest_PashernatePoet_*]

This poem touches something usually left alone (forget double meanings for a moment). The title was a complete hook to reel me in, so I wouldn't change that at all.

Minor changes, then I'll try to say something profound...

Paint placed perfectly
with the perfected skill
of mind and eye and hand.
Portraits that reconsider
our common life,
here on display,
so we’ll pause and understand.

With techniques they trace
to the ancient masters,
they intricately interlace
Colour and Line
and Shadow and Space
and Figure and Ground,
with consummate grace.
These fellow human beings
who have chosen to
illuminate our souls hours (to me, 'hours' would better illustrate their grabbing us in the dark)
with the truths they’ve bound
in imagery gross and graceful lines.
subtle and seductive,
provocative and profound.

~

And pictures made without paint
are here for us too.
Science and Art reaching together
through this unique and new
point of view.

They manipulate Manipulating light
with innovative machines,
they capture quite eloquently
the whimsy and identity
of animals and people
and all the fantastic places
and all the fantastic things
that compose our shared reality.
Exposing for our study,
everything in our sight,
helping us glimpse
the brilliance we ignore
in our hurried, daily flight.

~

Now we’re underneath
huge forms,
precariously balanced,
sensitive to the gentle breeze.
Delicately dancing,
swaying and turning,
like the sword of Damocles.

Forms without function;
yet functioning
just the same.
A Mobile
but immobile:
What’s revealed in a name?

~

Here we pause to contemplate
succulent, sensuous shapes;
solid where they stand,
seducing our eye and hand.
Epigones they’ve bequeathed
with an essence all their own;
tri-dimensional metaphors,
devised in wood and metal
and glass and stone.

~

And here;
they’ve embodied the intimacy
in Human sexuality.
A fleeting moment permanent;
suffused with differing texture,
lovingly diffusive of light;
a Man and Woman embrace
and a Child,
whose Father and Mother
hold docile,
erotically beguiled.

~

And now,
tired from emotion,
and all this walking about,
I squeeze your ever present hand
as we sit a few minutes out
of the flow of passing people,
who we watch with keener insight-
trying to get it right.

One of my comments mentions grabbing in the dark. I think, hope, know, that this is what you're doing with us. There's a veil between us-the work-another viewer that's constructed in various individualist ways. My grand scheme for your piece is that it dotes on Einstein's quote: "A human being is a part of a whole, called by us "universe", a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty". The only problem is it's not my piece to be schemed with so I'd like to know if my thoughts have any bearing on what you mean to say.

[TygerTyger]

Hey JD

Nope. Never thought for a second that you didn't think it was a poem. I was just wondering to myself were to put it! (Which forum I mean!)

However, it's one thing to critique FV and quite another to critique poetry in a specific form, since one of the successes of such a piece is its use of the form IN the communication of the message.

I quite agree. However, one should never let that keep one from trying!

So thank you very much for your suggestions. They are much appreciated and will be thoughtfully considered. I am always open to suggestions, JD, which seem to grow on trees around here, much to my delight!

And PP

Bless you! That was quite a quote! Einstien and Norma Jean! I'll bet you've got some pretty interesting things to say!

This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty

The problem, as I see it, is that our capacity to interact is and always will be, limited to a few people at a time and that mostly those who are closest to us. So, for those who wish to widen that circle, art has always been the medium to accomplish just that. And that's because we have a God given desire to express ourselves and tied also to that, a desire to have others understand us. That means that there is something of an artist in everybody!
Which is why the 21st Cetury is so tremendous! Like no other time in history, the sum total of human knowledge is available to all with a few strokes on a keyboard and through the interactive links computers make possible, people are able to share themselves like never before. Sure there's an unseemly side to it all, but only for those who wish to know uinseemliness.
For others it's a wonderland of interaction were thoughts and personality alone are the basis for understanding another. It's as close as we, as corporeal beings, have ever come to being able to expand our circle of realtionships as if we were made of Spirit alone!
We still have our few personal realtionships that will always take much from us to maitain, but now we can also share with others, without the need for presence, our immediate personality and thoughts. And that is a tremendous thing for the artist in all of us!

So thank you, PP, for sharing!

Dennis!

[AMETHYST]

Sweet Amethyst,

That was a great critique! Thank you for sharing so much of yourself in it. 'll bet you write some incredible Haikus!
You seem to have a gifted ability to boil down to the essential what you want to say. Something a verbose and vernacular son of a biscuit-eater, like me, has a hard time hearing. "They think they will be heard for their much speaking" was I believe how Jesus once put it!


Hi Dennis,

HAHAAA... First I am the most loquacious person you might ever meet. I am not a big fan of Haiku, actually I don't see the greatness in them and you'll soon see I am not a minimalist, but I do like to be a weed-eater. And when I like a poem and it strikes something inside me... I just sink my teeth in!



And thank you also for 'getting' my poem. You summed up well what I was trying to express in it!

It is a very strong poem and I saw that it had many levels of meaning, layered with linking images. So It is hard to put into word all of which connects. You've done well to bring out the meaning and excellent images.

But, a little pre-history may help you to hear it in your head as I do in mine.

Molly and I skipped church one Sunday to visit the FW Art Exposition. So, as we were strolling around commenting on the exhibits to each other, the idea for this poem came to me as I realized the emotions that were being evoked in me for the talent we were surrounded with. I thus gave this poem a conversational tone, to capture the what and why, as I describe the emotions we were feeling as we wore ourselves out from taking it all in!

It occured to me that I got more out of this experience, concerning who we are as people desiring to share ourselves with the others that we share this planet with, than I would have gotten in church that day.

And since it was the first time Molly and I had been to an art exhibit together (Married June 4, 2005) it was our first chance to interact in this enviroment and the result was this poem.

Sometimes, God would rather you be in places that spark your awareness and unity with the good earth and living creatures around us. Understanding what surrounds us helps us to figure what part we play in the makeup of it all.

I am glad to see you experienced something so life effecting, something that sparked your passions. It comes through well within the poem.



So my intention was to be more conversational than poetic in my attempt to take my reader to where I went that day.

Which thing seems to be a success, judging by the accurate summation you made of this poem's intent.

I liked best your suggestion for swapping the last two stanza's because I quite agree with your reasoning behind the suggestion. But will leave it as is for that, because I deliberately wrote the ending to emphasize what, for me, is the whole point behind art, to see the world and the people in it in new and more accurate ways.

I see your reasoning and would agree. Suggestions are always a jumping board for the poets own ideas as well. :) I will have to reread the ending (well the entire poem too) to see those interlocking meanings.


I will also mull over your other excellent ideas and see where they take me.

I can tell that I will enjoy, as I already have in my wanderings, what you will be writing and posting here. I look forward to our interaction!

Dennis!

And I too, will be enjoying your poetry and interacting with you. Look forward to more working with you.

Best Wishes, Liz

And that goes for all the rest of you!

[Arnfinn]

How are ya Dennis.

Told ya I'd drop into see ya.

Nah, I'm not going to re-post ya poem n' nip and tuck.

This poem is pretty long mate.


I read it a couple of times, and I find that you have a eloquent way of expression.

I judge my thought's as if I was sitting in a church and you are delivering a sermon.

Now, hang on, mate! Don't get upset, most times I go to sleep listening to reverent passimigy.

I doo like the easy flow, I didn't stop and restart again- at any time.

Good point, I thought.





I'm sure Billy would have been proud of ya.


So I'm lurkin in the background.

I'm sure ya got a shorter poem up ya sleeve.


John

[TygerTyger]

Thank you, John!

I'm glad you found my poem at least as comfortable as a pew!

I'm also glad to know that the title did the trick!

You were right where I wanted you to be.

This one was originally even longer, there was a lot to see in Fort Worth that day!

And yea, I've got 'em shorter. And longer. The'll be out here soon enough.

Thank you for your time! and your comments They are both much appreciated.

Dennis!