Rambles, Revised by a few words from Snow, thanks. Options

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Rambles

I want to dance in sunbeams
filtered through pine branches.
Where dust mote covered butterflies float
to by robins and jays.
I’ll lay my head down on moss laden ground,
and dream of things never seen.

Sing , my heart sing,
how bright the sound.
Rainbows in teardrops,
Wind giggles through trees,
as I leap boldly into its arms.

I wash my hands in youth's waters;
drink in the memory of forgotten days.
Pass among them slowly, ease my weary mind.
Dewdrops that like diamonds shine
on the edge of green clover found in new mown fields.

Tastes of forgotten and forbidden fruit,
penny candy in brown paper sacks,
a quarters worth of heaven.

[Eisa]

Hi Steve - a lovely walk down memory lane.

A few thoughts ~

Rambles

I want to dance in sunbeams
filtered through pine branches [of pines].
Where dust mote covered butterflies float
[on songs sung by] to robins and jays songs.
I’ll lay my head down on moss laden ground,
and dream of things never seen.

Sing, my heart sing,
how bright the sound.
Rainbows in teardrops,
Wind giggles through trees,
as I leap boldly into its arms.

I wash my hands in [the] youth's waters [of my youth];
drink in the memory of forgotten days [long forgotten].
Pass among them slowly, ease my weary mind.
Dewdrops that like diamonds shine
on the edge of green clover [found] in new mown fields.

Tastes of forgotten and forbidden fruit,
penny candy in brown paper sacks,
a quarters worth of heaven.


I love your last line! I hope something helps - take or toss!

Snow

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Hi Snow, I meant to write a reply last week on this an got involved with something else and forgot sorry... thanks for reading and the comment, this was sort of a throw it together piece. I used a number of lines from other non- postable poems and this is what came out... I liked your changes and will probably use them for a rewrite, take care
Steve

[Psyche]

Will come back here, Steve. Your poem is full of beautiful images, but needs tightening a bit.
Love it!
Syl ***

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Thanks Sylvia for reading and replying, I have rewriten with the few words that Snow suggested, I hope it reads just that much better now if not feel free to suggest your own changes.
Steve

[saore]

Steve this is my favorite poem of yours to date. The images are beautiful. The progression is very good, clear and strong. Good job Steve.

[Guest_ohsteve_*]

Thanks a lot Sergio, I appreciate that you liked this.
Steve