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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ Train Journey

Posted by: Arnfinn Jan 22 18, 04:36

Train Journey

No excitement—
slow rotation…
wheels slip brake shoes,
dynamic motors grumble— pulse;
carriages exhale in a rush of grit and dust.
Un-tethered the silvered eel dissolves into the
black-circle of enchantment— screaming with fright.

Within the train
Sway— rattle— bounce.
We sit Rae and me, knees barely
apart— our thoughts blended silence.

Arnfinn © 2018


Posted by: JustDaniel Jan 23 18, 11:54

An enchanting picture, John. I like it.

Not sure I understand one of the images, though... the silvered eel. I may need some help with that?

Also, just a grammatical note: ... Rae and I ...

deLighting in your writing, Daniel sun.gif

Posted by: Arnfinn Jan 30 18, 04:58


G'day Daniel.

Thank you for your comments--a reflection

silver eel...a silver bodied passenger train.

"me" passes the grammar test.

Regards,

John

Posted by: RC James Jan 31 18, 15:26

Arnfinn - Love train poems - rhythm of the blues to me.

Within the train
Sway— rattle— bounce.
We sit Rae and me, knees barely
apart— our thoughts blended silence.

This stanza is a nice contrast to the noise going on above. Enjoyed this - RC

Posted by: Arnfinn Feb 6 18, 23:35


G'day R C


The subway, train stations, are full of action.

An easy subject to write about.


Thank you for your comments.

Regards,

John

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 8 18, 13:41

Ah... NOW I see your silvered eel squirming along the tracks! Thanks.

but... We = Rae and I (sat).... me didn't sit!

sLightly confused, Daniel sun.gif

Posted by: greenwich Aug 10 18, 09:57

instead of motor why not engine. You have already mentioned grit and train therefore a steam train
no mention of subways in this good poem

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