Twilight Harvest, False Hope Options

[greenwich]

REVISION

As long as there are lone stars
man holds his asylum
he scrambles under the predictability of scorn,
winkled like a newborn,
he clothes himself in the title of words,
conveying his sartorial entrance
like a missive of truth,
yet such grains find disavowal,
their eclipse contained
by the swallowing Sun
who has long presided
those fallen shadows


ORIGINAL

As long as there are lone stars man holds his asylum
methinks he scrambles under the predictability of scorn,
wrinkled like the first born.
He clothes himself in the title of words
conveying his sartorial entrance
like a missive of truth,
yet grains merit disavowal
their eclipse contained
by the swallowing Sun
who has long presided
those fallen shadows

[Psyche]

Hi greenwich and welcome to MM!
Wow, your poem is food for thought, methinks I shall have to re-read it and return. At first glance, I love your word usage and the content. Profound and powerful.
It's 4 a.m. where I live, feeling too dim to understand it all.
Tx for sharing,
Psyche
PS: My brother lived for many years in Croydon. I visited him fairly often, tho' I don't live in the U.K. He's moved up to Yorkshire now. Retired happily!

As long as there are lone stars man holds his asylum
methinks he scrambles under the predictability of scorn,
winkled like the first born.
He clothes himself in the title of words
conveying his sartorial entrance
like a missive of truth,
yet grains merit disavowal
their eclipse contained
by the swallowing Sun
who has long presided
those fallen shadows

[Eisa]

Hi Greenwich,

I'm so glad you made it across here. Btw I live in Birmingham UK.

I love this - great use of words

As long as there are lone stars
man holds his asylum
he scrambles under the predictability of scorn,


their eclipse contained
by the swallowing Sun
who has long presided
those fallen shadows

Like Syl, I will return to this when I have digested it a little more.

Do you mean wrinkled like a baby?

I've not heard winkled before except as a mollusc.

I like your revision, which tidies up the beginning into better line breaks.

Eira (Rhapsody)

[Psyche]

Hello greenwich, I'm back as promised. But not much enlightened as to the meaning of your poem. Of course I love the imagery, so perhaps it's not necessary to extract any meaning, unless you're willing to provide one. I like the way you've tightened up the revision, but notice that you've now used "wrinkled" in the original...LOL...Never mind, just me!

REVISION

As long as there are lone stars
man holds his asylum
he scrambles under the predictability of scorn,
winkled like a newborn, <<<<<This is what I mean. I found that in Britain winkled can indeed be used for other purposes, as you have, except that it's transitive. Used as 'to extract or prise out', meaning that it should be followed by 'out'.
So perhaps it's safe to say 'winkled out like a newborn'. Take/toss!


he clothes himself in the title of words,
conveying his sartorial entrance
like a missive of truth,
yet such grains find disavowal,
their eclipse contained
by the swallowing Sun
who has long presided <<<<<< Don't know about using 'who' for Sun, especially as you've capitalised Sun, as in ancient mythology. Or astrology. Perhaps a noun would be better, such as 'orb that has...' or 'globe...' For astrologers, the sun is the brightest star. Just suggestions to TorT.

those fallen shadows

I think I'm understanding more now. And your finale is excellent. Maybe there are parallel meanings. What with climate change upon us, the sun is indeed swallowing humanity's pride. We're no 'missives of truth', whether or not we're facing a natural cycle, or contributing to make it worse.
Thanks for sharing this thought provoking piece.
Psyche


ORIGINAL

As long as there are lone stars man holds his asylum
methinks he scrambles under the predictability of scorn,
wrinkled like the first born.
He clothes himself in the title of words
conveying his sartorial entrance
like a missive of truth,
yet grains merit disavowal
their eclipse contained
by the swallowing Sun
who has long presided
those fallen shadows

[greenwich]

A big thanks to all you read and commented on the poem

[danimik]

Hi

I'm thinking that 'winkled' in the revision should be 'wrinkled?'

There's a couple of words I find a tad archaic - missive, disavowal - yet somehow they are in keeping with the whole which is dense and thoughtful and provocative.

Certainly, I don't understand the full complexity of it - suspect that I've barely indented the core - yet Sean O'Brien says that poetry is to be experienced rather than understood. I like this experience.

Mike

[K.S. Lenk]

For me, this conveys the scorn older people receive. They are set in their beliefs and very often find their opinions considered obsolete or outdated.
The revision is great, much stronger and tight.
It does need several reads, but the conservative use of words does not put me off. In fact, I adore them.
Greenwich, you are growing stronger by the day.

[Eisa]

Hi Greenwich

I like the change of line breaks in your revision.

Good work

Eira

ps If you put Revision in your title line, people who have commented might come back to have a look.