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Posted by: mt2polar Dec 13 16, 16:22

dibáá’ nishtj

A poem of us would begin without words
dried for decades in the desert
Each cracked rock, red bit of sand
and petrified bone were laid as they were thought
describing what they couldn't

That tiny wind polished stone there
held volumes on a breath just behind your neck
The flecks of bentonite shine a bit of your salt
sun splayed from every ocean spray across the globe
Sidewinder tracks smooth perfect curves
as you move unknowingly across my mind

There is no water

Every plant and creature holds
close the drops of life that are wholly in your being
Cactus, gnarly and spined, bow and flower
at your color's choice
The versatile and cunning coyote roam
without a desert master but their tails
curl under for your whim

Wind is the sand's whisper chords
reverberating within your chest
Night descends with a dry silent chill
holding still for life's reprieve and rejoice
It is your day's last kiss before our eyes
dream and dance

A Tiger Rattle's bite and the Bark scorpion's sting
remind the living, in a pointed fervor
that liveliness is the only deserving course
for our veins

Brittlebush jot the landscape yellow
calling me to pull them and get them out
There is the Gambil's Quail, a Black Rail
the Roadrunner, and Gilded Flicker
grounded or flying
they make the desert thrive
with beauty and feather

And finally, standing firm
centuries on end, the Joshua Tree
Here, at its trunk, is a parchment
scorched and split in two
A poem is written on it.

"I am the desert, the living and worth within is you"

Posted by: Eisa Dec 15 16, 19:26

Hello Mt2,

It's good to see you here. I wish it wasn't so late (as I am sleepy!) so I might give a bit more of a critique tonight. This is wonderfully descriptive and there is so much to like here.

The 1st line jarred a bit - with me anyway

A poem of us would begin without words

Perhaps 'a poem about us' - 'a poem for us' or 'our poem'

I particularly like these lines:

Wind is the sand's whisper chords
reverberating within your chest

I'm not sure what the title means and haven't time to investigate tonight.

I'm sorry I have very little constructive to say on first read, but will come back soon. It really is so good to see you here again.

Eira

Posted by: Psyche Dec 15 16, 23:48

Hello Michael,
So glad to have you posting again, especially with such a stunning, lovely poem about the desert.
I had to research a little, so looked up Gambil's Quail in Wikipedia. That gave me a better idea of the region(s). Is it Arizona? Or some other desert area in the USA?

I really like many lines of your poem, but I chose the final stanza because of its mystic quality... It also reminds me that the whole world is a unique living organism, despite its many facets.

I'll have to read your poem several times. It appears that there is a trio of entities here. The omniscient author, the living desert with all it contains, and a third person, perhaps a woman, to whom these lines are composed. They all appear to interact, IMO.

I may have got it all wrong, so I'll certainly return and meanwhile maybe you could answer some of the questions I've already made?

I don't have important crits to make, but as I see you placed *** to your work, I'll suggest a few punctuation changes, or else some ideas to tighten up the poem a little. Not too much, I'm fond of fairly wordy poems.

And finally, standing firm
centuries on end, the Joshua Tree
Here, at its trunk, is a parchment
scorched and split in two
A poem is written on it.

"I am the desert, the living and worth within is you"

Wow, that finale is striking!
Best, Syl a.k.a. Psyche

Posted by: mt2polar Dec 16 16, 14:08

Eira,

You went right to my heel, of us/for us/about us. I was also thinking "This poem would begin....". It might have been the title were it not for the Navajo words "I am thirst" and their spin off the "i am death" Bhagavad Gita reference. Needless to say, I have thought long and hard against what I wrote. I hate the first line but we live with ourselves, no? You've given me some needed support in fixing it.

"Wind is the sand's whisper chords
reverberating within your chest"

Sand and vocal chords and breathing don't play well but that is the poem's point, to find something perfect where I least expected it.


"It really is so good to see you here again." - You have no idea I much I have missed it.




Syl,

Ha! Gambel's Quail. I spelled it wrong....:) Yes, in and around Arizona but the poem could have been the Sahara if it wanted to.

I think the poem is the fourth entity. There are more. The poem is the desert, who hid, desiccated for many years. I am thirst. To find the poem I had to go there believing it was the last place I should be, the last place I would find the living and worth within. The "you" throughout is my wife. I have been trying to write something worthy of my wife since we were kids. I don't know if this is it, but i think it is way beyond any to date. It started with a question, If she is water and I am thirst, where the heck are we?



Thank you for the warm welcome back and the kind review. For purposes here, you can say my "you" is the poetry board too.




mt

Posted by: Psyche Dec 19 16, 01:21

QUOTE (mt2polar @ Dec 16 16, 16:08 )

Hi again, mt2,
Interesting answers you've given us. More than I expected. Yep, I supposed it could be any desert, such as the Sahara, but I picked Arizona as I've travelled through that amazing State many years ago.
I cannot really describe the impression the landscape left on my mind. Too complicated. Enormous cacti, rough reddish hills with layers of centuries marked on them, vast desert for miles around... heat... a large, black spider crossing the highway and we didn't run over it ... so much!

In northern Argentina we have a vast desert called "El valle de la Luna" (Valley of the Moon). It also conceals myths and first dwellers' legends, and much more.
By moonlight, it's extraordinary, due to its sifting dunes that point to its living, flowing qualities. Just don't get caught there when the Zonda winds blows! It's a hot wind that extends to other, green provinces and makes life uncomfortable.

Your wife must be delighted with this poem. Don't thirst and water combine well? So long as you don't swallow her up, all should be well. No droughts...

Syl

Posted by: Eisa Jan 4 17, 18:59

QUOTE (mt2polar @ Dec 16 16, 19:08 )

Posted by: RC James Jan 13 17, 21:30

Eira - Survival is writtenall over this piece, with hardships, dangers, threats, but a welcome as well from the Joshua tree. Well done, R