Drought Options

[JaxMyth]

..


I

We sink the corner posts first, as each defines a neighbour.
It is here where the bottom six inches are the most important.
It is here where the strength is muscled into the fence.

The heart of a fence lies in its foot.
I tamp until the bar sings of possession,
the bar bounces and writhes.

We snug the stays and tighten the wire,
each barbed note is tensioned into voice
the division sings a warning.


II

The fence cannot hold back the drought.
The sky aches blue and the sun eats green;
the earth coughs dust as rich as blood.

My bones hunker down beside the rock.
Eagles hang; wings wound into the wire,
heads nailed down by the sun.

Ribs rack a heaving fleece.
I watch my image fade
from the eye of a lamb.

[bbnixon]

JaxMyth,

I have come by and read this poem several times, and I enjoyed it very much, I am new here, and am unsure what type of crits people like, but like to approach my crits from a reader perspective. I would suggest that you trim some of the extraneous words, make it a little leaner, so the that the great imagery that you use has a heavier impact, that it sinks in. Also I am not sure if you need the I and II, as the poem is not that long, and I believe the reader can make the transition to new thought without them. Drought something I understand and close to my heart as I am a gardener and we are in our 7th year of restricted water use, and it is spring, and this year, the drought restrictions on water use were never lifted. I am going to take the liberty of triming one of the strophes, as an example...you can use it or lose it...just wanted to offer it up as a suggestion. I also have some favorite parts...

Example of leaner

We sink the corner posts first,
each defines a neighbour.
The bottom six inches are the most important,
where strength is muscled into the fence.

Favorite parts

the earth coughs dust as rich as blood.

this is very cool

My bones hunker down beside the rock.
Eagles hang; wings wound into the wire,
heads nailed down by the sun.

I love this

Ribs rack a heaving fleece.
I watch my image fade
from the eye of a lamb.

this one is fantastic

I enjoyed you poem very much, thank-you for sharing.

Hope your day is good.

:) bebe