Azaleas - a sonnet revised, X10 for 2/18/17 Options

[Larry]

Azaleas

From burgundy to steely grey they bloom
like stars but never sparkle in the night.
Small buds crowd through those galaxies for room
to add their hues. They tax each branch’s might,

infusing bright kaleidoscopes. What task
each bud and flower undertakes in Spring
before new leaves appear! Azaleas mask
their barren limbs with rainbowed shades which bring

a lovely change to brown and dreary space
left by the winter’s chill. I recollect
my time spent twenty years ago. Our place
was wild and gardening was circumspect

but seeds and snips of plants were sown and grew
into an Eden that I never knew.



L4 did read: to add their color. Taxing branches might,
L5 did read: which hold that bright kaleidoscope, is task
L6 did read: each shrub and tree will undertake in Spring
L7 changed “leafs” to “leaves”
L8 changed “hues” to “shades”



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Azaleas

From burgundy to steely grey they bloom
like stars but never sparkle in the night.
Small buds crowd through those galaxies for room
to add their color. Taxing branches' might,

which hold that bright kaleidoscope, is task
each bud and flower undertake in Spring
before new leafs appear. Azaleas mask
their barren limbs with rainbowed hues which bring

a lovely change to brown and dreary space
left by the winter’s chill. I recollect
my time spent twenty years ago. Our place
was wild and gardening was circumspect

but seeds and snips of plants were sown and grew
into an Eden that I never knew.



words used: burgundy, steel, star, sparkle, tax, mask, love, recollect, twenty, snip


L4: changed "branches" to possessive "branches'".

L6: did read - each shrub and tree will undertake in Spring

[JustDaniel]

You have the makings of a remarkable sonnet here, Larry, in this wonderful second entry with these ten words!

I am struggling with the meaning and grammar of the sentence from L4 through L7, however. Please take a look at that, would you?

deLighting in your writing, Daniel

[Larry]

Hey Daniel,

Thanks for dropping in for a read. Sorry about the grammar/syntax, etc., which has confused you. I guess you are talking about the middle of L4 where the new sentence starts to the middle of L7. Let’s see if I can clarify my meaning somewhat.

I’m referring to the might (strength) of the branches which are taxed each year by the weight of blooms and buds. This task, which occurs every Spring for each Azalea bush and tree, is undertaken to hide denuded branches with a myriad of colors to mask an otherwise nondescript shrub’s brown and barren aspect.
I should have made “branches” possessive to alleviate confusion in L4 (branches’).

Perhaps I mixed up whose “task” it is to tax the branches’ might. I think L6 should have read: “each bud and flower undertake in Spring” instead of “each shrub and tree…”.
Let me know if this makes any sense or helps elucidate my meaning and I’ll make the changes.

Always thankful for your astute input.

Larry

[JustDaniel]

I now see what you're trying to say. I had thought you might have left out the possessive, but honestly that is only ONE of several problems with this rather convoluted sentence. The modifiers point back twice to a rather uncertain antecedent.

Let me suggest something that may or may not help, including fixing two grammatical and a spelling gaff, methinks:

to add their hues. They tax the branches' might,

load up that bright kaleidoscope. What task
each bud and flower undertakes* in Spring
before new leaves appear!

* "each" is singular subject, not the compound modifier; "each of them undertakes..."

Tell me what you think. Not sure you'll like the exclamation, but not sure how to fix the grammar otherwise while maintaining your rhyme scheme.

deLighting to consult, Daniel

[Larry]

Hi Daniel,
Thanks for all the “composition” and ”grammar” tips. I’ve forgotten most of the “English” rules taught in high school. Glad you didn’t!
I’ve included most of your critiques with changes here and there. Your suggestion I use “hues” in L4 conflicted with my later usage of that word in L8 so I changed that line to “rainbowed shades” to alleviate duplication. I like the exclamation point in L7 because it is always a surprise to me how little bushes can put on such a show in Spring.
Let me know if I can get an “A” in my sonnet homework from the “C-“ I started with. I know, you’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition.

Thanks a bunch for all your help.

Larry

[JustDaniel]

Much better. I'm glad you used "infuse" instead of my "load up"; I hated it, but at the time could not think of something better to accomplish what I was showing you. Glad you did!

Only one minor suggestion: the end of S2L4 could be softened perhaps with "that bring" instead of "which bring".

deLighting in the interaction, Daniel

P.S. I think you should ask one of the mods to transfer this whole thing into the critique forum!

[Larry]

Hi Daniel,

I'll check with Lori to see if she will move this string over to a crit forum.

As far as substituting "that" for "which", I am not sure it would be grammatically correct. Isn't there a rule where "that" designates a singular subject and "which" is used for plural?

Colors, being plural, would fall within that particular rule-of-thumb. Am I wrong? You're the grammarian around here so your input is needed on that subject.

Larry

[JustDaniel]

Isn't there a rule where "that" designates a singular subject and "which" is used for plural?

I'm unaware of any such rule.

In many situations the words are virtually interchangeable; however one rule of thumb is "that" is used with restrictive clauses and "which" with non-restrictive clauses. Check this out: That Versus Which

deLighted to share, Daniel

[Larry]

Hi Daniel,

I followed the link and read through the instructions. It still looks like the singular/plural rule applies.
"shades which bring" or "shade that brings".

If you still think the sentence needs a softer ending, I'll consider changing it. Otherwise, I'll leave it as is.


Thanks for all your help on this.

Larry

[JustDaniel]

I'm honestly aghast at your finding something about singular/plural in that article. My reading skills are poor, so you'll have to point it out to me.

Here is another helpful article: Who, That, Which. Note also that in most situations, the "which" clause is sectioned off by commas. (But of course I repeat, "common" usage in our culture has come to melt the two words into having no distinction whatsoever!)

Still suggesting the sLight change, Daniel

[Larry]

Hey Daniel,

First of all, that particular sentence has no restrictive/non-restrictive clauses in it but I did find a very useful rule-of-thumb for “that/which” usage from Writer’s Digest.

If the sentence doesn’t need a clause that the word is connecting use “which”. If it does, use “that”.

Now for the singular/plural question; the link you posted and I read, clearly states, and I quote:
“The use of “that” in this sentence is correct if the reader intends to single out one painting (singular)
that was in the foyer as the stolen painting. However, if there were several paintings (plural) hanging in the foyer, this use would be incorrect since it would mislead the reader into believing that there had been only one painting in the foyer.

Since I am referring to the ending of: “rainbowed shades (plural) which bring” instead of “rainbowed shade (singular) that brings” I feel the use of “which” would be correct because there is no nonrestrictive clause in this case, just additional information about the bushes. To me, the use of “which” means there are more than one of the subjects to choose from and the use of “that” indicates a specific item to which you are referring.

Anyway, with all the information on this subject I encountered on my internet search, our debate could go on forever without a conclusion being reached so I’ll just leave it as is.

I really appreciate all the help you have given me on “Azaleas” and, if truth be known, hardly anyone else would even notice or care about that which was used. I had to put that last little bit in for a chuckle.

Thanks a bunch,

Larry

[JustDaniel]

No debate, my friend, but let me explain:

The painting that was hanging in the foyer was stolen.

The painting (singular) was stolen, and the implication is that there may be other paintings elsewhere in the house.

The painting, which was hanging in the foyer, was stolen.

The painting (also singular) was stolen. There is no thought of any other painting. The clause here simply tells you where this painting was located in the house with no implication of any other painting at all. Think of it almost as though there is a parenthesis around this clause, saying (which, by the way, was hanging in the foyer).

treading Lightly, Daniel

P.S. That which thou dost use is up to thee.