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Time on Time, for my Valentine |
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Feb 14 06, 12:32
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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Time on Time
I adore your cupid lips that linger long on my soft cheek, my offered neck, as if to share my pulse,
to feel it as your own.
How I long to keep you here, in this still moment, soul on soul, your lust an urge transferred to me, so easily.
I seek to satisfy this need, through throaty cries, and simple sighs, to make you mine, my life, my love for time on time.
© Cynthia Neely
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Feb 14 06, 13:10
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,770
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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Hello Cyn ! :cloud9:
This is so poignant, so full of desire and longing. Beautiful.
I adore your cupid lips that linger long on my sleek cheek, my offered neck, as if to share my pulse,
to feel it as your own.
The idea of sharing your pulse with your loved one, to feel it as your own, is impressive. I also like the italics. I'm not so sure about "sleek cheek", but never mind me, Cyn.
I seek to satisfy this need, through throaty cries, and simple sighs, to make you mine, my life, my love for time on time.
You've expressed the urge of love powerfully in this stanza. I really have no other nits at all. This ending is so romantic, yet sad too, since we don't know whether her need will be satisfied. It's like trying to capture a moment in time and make it everlasting. Will it happen?
I like the uncertainty of it.
Hugs, Sylvia :butterfly:
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Feb 14 06, 13:41
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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Would soft cheek work better for you. I was after a bit of internal rhyming.
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Feb 14 06, 13:58
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Ornate Oracle
Group: Praetorian
Posts: 8,770
Joined: 27-August 04
From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia
Member No.: 78
Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:David Ting
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I don't know, Cyn. I'm no expert, but I believe internal rhyming is best when the rhyme is separated by a few other words in between, on the same line, often, but not always.
But don't follow my advice, you'll soon find other crits that will be far more helpful and knowledgeable :blush:
It's beautiful, whatever you decide to do, hugs, Sylvia :butterfly:
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Mis temas favoritos The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.
"There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction."
Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!MM Award Winner
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Feb 14 06, 14:02
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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well I had my doubts about sleek cheek anyway
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Guest_Nina_*
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Feb 14 06, 14:58
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Guest
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Hi Cyn
I adore your cupid lips that linger long on my soft cheek, my offered neck, as if to share my pulse,
to feel it as your own.
A very sensual verse. I think the change to soft works much better, makes the line softer and more languid
How I long to keep you here, in this still moment, soul on soul, your lust an urge transferred to me, so easily.
I very much like L3 which shows that the narrator is turned on my her partner's lust. There is also a sense of not wanting to let the moment go as if wanting to capture it to remember at a future time.
I seek to satisfy this need, through throaty cries, and simple sighs, to make you mine, my life, my love for time on time.
I think your last line is wonderful, my favourite of the poem and balances well with soul on soul. I too get a hint of sadness in that there seems to be a desperate need to hold onto his love as if the narrator fears it might slip away.
Thanks for the read. I hope you did share it with your husband.
Nina
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Feb 14 06, 15:28
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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I did share it, he quite liked it, I think. We may find out how much later :dance: Thanks Nina
Thanks for your input too Kenneth
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Feb 14 06, 19:03
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 1,547
Joined: 4-August 03
From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia
Member No.: 13
Real Name: Daniah
Writer of: Poetry
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Hello Cyn,
such a lovely poignant piece.... Soft flow
Dani
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Feb 15 06, 00:22
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 153
Joined: 22-August 03
From: West Monroe, Louisiana
Member No.: 20
Real Name: Chris
Writer of: Poetry
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Absolutely equistite poem! Can't think of a thing to change. Except maybe use, "Soft cheek, or Tender cheek"
I really loved this and would love to get this as my own Valentine. Beautiful, sensual, and tender feelings expressed divinely.
Chris :wizard:
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"...Morgan le Fay was not married, but put to school in a nunnery, where she became a great mistress of magic." - ?Mallory, Morte d'Arthur MM Award Winner
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Feb 15 06, 01:27
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Group: Gold Member
Posts: 883
Joined: 2-January 06
From: Washington State USA
Member No.: 145
Writer of: Poetry
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Thanks Don, Chris.
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