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> Time on Time, for my Valentine
Cyn
post Feb 14 06, 12:32
Post #1


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Time on Time

I adore your cupid lips
that linger long on my soft cheek,
my offered neck, as if to share
my pulse,

to feel it as your own.

How I long to keep you here,
in this still moment, soul on soul,
your lust an urge transferred to me,
so easily.

I seek to satisfy this need,
through throaty cries, and simple sighs,
to make you mine, my life, my love
for time on time.

© Cynthia Neely






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Psyche
post Feb 14 06, 13:10
Post #2


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Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan
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Referred By:David Ting



Hello Cyn !  :cloud9:

This is so poignant, so full of desire and longing. Beautiful.

I adore your cupid lips
that linger long on my sleek cheek,
my offered neck, as if to share
my pulse,

to feel it as your own.


The idea of sharing your pulse with your loved one, to feel it as your own, is impressive. I also like the italics. I'm not so sure about "sleek cheek", but never mind me, Cyn.

I seek to satisfy this need,
through throaty cries, and simple sighs,
to make you mine, my life, my love
for time on time.


You've expressed the urge of love powerfully in this stanza. I really have no other nits at all. This ending is so romantic, yet sad too, since we don't know whether her need will be satisfied. It's like trying to capture a moment in time and make it everlasting. Will it happen?

I like the uncertainty of it.

Hugs,
Sylvia  :butterfly:


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The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

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Cyn
post Feb 14 06, 13:41
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Would soft cheek work better for you. I was after a bit of internal rhyming.


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Psyche
post Feb 14 06, 13:58
Post #4


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I don't know, Cyn. I'm no expert, but I believe internal rhyming is best when the rhyme is separated by a few other words in between, on the same line, often, but not always.

But don't follow my advice, you'll soon find other crits that will be far more helpful and knowledgeable  :blush:

It's beautiful, whatever you decide to do,
hugs,
Sylvia  :butterfly:


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Mis temas favoritos



The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.


"There is no life higher than the grasstops
Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind
Pours by like destiny, bending
Everything in one direction."

Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights.



Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

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Cyn
post Feb 14 06, 14:02
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well I had my doubts about sleek cheek anyway


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Guest_manofwords73_*
post Feb 14 06, 14:30
Post #6





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Cyn,
Another good piece of work. Strong images and flowing language throughout most. Good to see you changed "sleek cheek." You have created a seductive voice, one that melts you like a lover's touch would, but that one phrase broke in rudely.

I love the line, "my offered neck, as if to share/ my pulse." The intimacy of having your neck kissed is both exhilirating and unnerving. You are offering up a very vulnerable area, very sensitive. You are trusting the other person.

Good work. I can't see anything I'd change, since you revised "sleek cheek." Strong effort. sun.gif
 
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Guest_Nina_*
post Feb 14 06, 14:58
Post #7





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Hi Cyn

I adore your cupid lips
that linger long on my soft cheek,
my offered neck, as if to share
my pulse,

to feel it as your own.

A very sensual verse.  I think the change to soft works much better, makes the line softer and more languid

How I long to keep you here,
in this still moment, soul on soul,
your lust an urge transferred to me,
so easily.

I very much like L3 which shows that the narrator is turned on my her partner's lust.  There is also a sense of not wanting to let the moment go as if wanting to capture it to remember at a future time.

I seek to satisfy this need,
through throaty cries, and simple sighs,
to make you mine, my life, my love
for time on time.

I think your last line is wonderful, my favourite of the poem and balances well with soul on soul.  I too get a hint of sadness in that there seems to be a desperate need to hold onto his love as if the narrator fears it might slip away.

Thanks for the read.  I hope you did share it with your husband.

Nina
 
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Cyn
post Feb 14 06, 15:28
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I did share it, he quite liked it, I think. We may find out how much later  :dance: Thanks Nina

Thanks for your input too Kenneth


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Siren
post Feb 14 06, 19:03
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Hello Cyn,

such a lovely poignant piece.... Soft flow

Dani


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Morgan le Fay
post Feb 15 06, 00:22
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Absolutely equistite poem!  Can't think of a thing to change.  Except maybe use, "Soft cheek, or Tender cheek"

I really loved this and would love to get this as my own Valentine.   lovie.gif  Beautiful, sensual, and tender feelings expressed divinely.

Chris  :wizard:


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"...Morgan le Fay was not married, but put to school in a nunnery, where she became a great mistress of magic."

- ?Mallory, Morte d'Arthur

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Cyn
post Feb 15 06, 01:27
Post #11


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Thanks Don, Chris.


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