 How You Mattered..., Rhymed... |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jul 25 07, 19:35
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#1
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry  |
Revision 1
How gently you flowed into my life, like newborn streams that trickle down a mountain to the sea below. So easily you brightened cloudy days, our laughter rang to chase away the cold December snow. How sweetly you flavored all my days, your wit and gentleness in memory survives. Echoes of forgotten dreams, these midnight schemes rang free but time relentlessly denies. How softly you gave me friendship true, for that was all that it could ever be. No feelings let to cross their bounds, but in my heart, a part of me will never quite be free. So sadly then we turned and walked away, with recollection of our words as we did part. I tucked a rose of souvenir into my mind, well- pressed by life, and treasured always by a thankful heart. Original Version How gently you flowed into my life, like newborn streams that trickle down a mountain to the sea below. So easily you brightened cloudy days, our laughter rang to chase away the cold December snow. How sweetly you flavored all my days, your wit and gentleness in memory survives. Echoes of forgotten dreams, these midnight schemes ring free as time relentlessly denies. How softly you gave me friendship true, for that was all that it could ever be. No feelings let to cross their bounds, but in my heart, a part of me will never quite be free. So sadly then we turned and walked away, with recollection of our words as we did part. I tucked a rose of souvenir into my mind, well- pressed by life, and treasured always by a thankful heart. ·······  ······· |
  
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Jul 26 07, 06:20
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Judi, this is certainly full of emotion and really reveals much about the characters
How You Mattered How gently you flowed into my life, like newborn streams that trickle down --I would not have chosen newborn as a description for streams, however, when you use it to describe this new, burgeoning love, it works a mountain to the sea below. So easily you brightened cloudy days, our laughter rang to chase away the cold December snow. How sweetly you flavored all my days, your wit and gentleness in memory survives. Echoes of forgotten dreams, these midnight schemes ring free as time relentlessly denies. -this line confuses me, if the midnight schemes ring free, what is being denied? How softly you gave me friendship true, for that was all that it could ever be. No feelings let to cross their bounds, but in my heart, a part of me will never quite be free. So sadly then we turned and walked away, with recollection of our words as we did part. I tucked a rose of souvenir into my mind, well- pressed by life, and treasured always by a thankful heart. -the heart may be thankful, but I suspect that there is sadness as these two friends parted Overall, I liked your pacing and the rhymes were subtle, not overbearing. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner             |
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Jul 26 07, 09:48
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#3
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (JLY @ Jul 26 07, 07:20 ) [snapback]100206[/snapback] Judi, this is certainly full of emotion and really reveals much about the characters
How You Mattered How gently you flowed into my life, like newborn streams that trickle down --I would not have chosen newborn as a description for streams, however, when you use it to describe this new, burgeoning love, it works a mountain to the sea below. So easily you brightened cloudy days, our laughter rang to chase away the cold December snow. How sweetly you flavored all my days, your wit and gentleness in memory survives. Echoes of forgotten dreams, these midnight schemes ring free as time relentlessly denies. -this line confuses me, if the midnight schemes ring free, what is being denied?I agree with you, this line has troubled me also..I think maybe I can change that to Echoes of forgotten dreams, these midnight schemes rang free but time relentlessly denies. Do you think this clarifies it a bit...? Thanks so very much for your appraisal...I really appreciate your comments! Judi How softly you gave me friendship true, for that was all that it could ever be. No feelings let to cross their bounds, but in my heart, a part of me will never quite be free. So sadly then we turned and walked away, with recollection of our words as we did part. I tucked a rose of souvenir into my mind, well- pressed by life, and treasured always by a thankful heart. -the heart may be thankful, but I suspect that there is sadness as these two friends parted Smile...You nailed that also... Overall, I liked your pacing and the rhymes were subtle, not overbearing. JLY ······· ······· |
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Aug 10 07, 11:18
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#4
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 Ornate Oracle  Posts: 8,869 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Hi Judi!
I spotted the title "How you mattered", so I knew it would express emotions. I like that, so here I am, ready to enjoy and maybe make a crit or two.... :-) QUOTE (Judi @ Jul 26 07, 02:35 ) [snapback]100198[/snapback] [center]Revision 1 How gently you flowed into my life, like newborn streams that trickle down Newborn is highly original, in this context. a mountain to the sea below. So easily you brightened cloudy days, our laughter rang to chase away the cold December snow. I don't seem to 'get' your rhyme scheme, even tho' I've read all the way down twice. Perhaps I'm dimmer than usual today... But the opening S is LOVELY. How sweetly you flavored all my days, your wit and gentleness in memory survives. Echoes of forgotten dreams, these I like the inner rhyme of 'dreams' and 'schemes'. Works very well. midnight schemes rang free but time relentlessly denies. Ah, frustrated projects...dear me! How softly you gave me friendship true, for that was all that it could ever be. No feelings let to cross their bounds, 'let' sounds a bit weak here, but I suppose it would have to be reworded, too much trouble. Never mind. but in my heart, a part of me will never quite be free. Beautiful! So poignant... So sadly then we turned and walked away, with recollection of our words as we did part. QUOTE I tucked a rose of souvenir into my mind, , This is brilliant, Judi! The only thing that sounds a bit wrong is 'rose of souvenir'. 'Souvenir rose' is better, but then the rhythm fails, doesn't it? Maybe 'rose as souvenir'?well-pressed by life and treasured always by a thankful heart. An altogether lovely poem. I'm so glad I dropped in! Lucky me. Hugs, Sylvia *** ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner   |
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Aug 14 07, 06:10
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#5
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 4,592 Joined: 31-October 03 From: New Jersey Member No.: 39 Real Name: John Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Larry Carr |
Judi,
I just stopped by to read your revision and I think you slight changes have improved this quite a bit. You are just about ready to polish this gem and put it in your poetic showcase. JLY ······· ·······Give thanks for your new friends of today, but never forget the warm hugs of your yesterdays.
Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Aug 27 07, 23:03
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#6
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (JLY @ Aug 14 07, 07:10 ) [snapback]100889[/snapback] Judi, I just stopped by to read your revision and I think you slight changes have improved this quite a bit. You are just about ready to polish this gem and put it in your poetic showcase. JLY Thanks JLY...I had to come back to this one because I left if right before I went away on vacation! Judi ······· ······· |
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Aug 27 07, 23:05
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#7
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (Psyche @ Aug 10 07, 12:18 ) [snapback]100789[/snapback] Hi Judi! I spotted the title "How you mattered", so I knew it would express emotions. I like that, so here I am, ready to enjoy and maybe make a crit or two.... :-) QUOTE (Judi @ Jul 26 07, 02:35 ) [snapback]100198[/snapback] [center]Revision 1 How gently you flowed into my life, like newborn streams that trickle down Newborn is highly original, in this context. a mountain to the sea below. So easily you brightened cloudy days, our laughter rang to chase away the cold December snow. I don't seem to 'get' your rhyme scheme, even tho' I've read all the way down twice. Perhaps I'm dimmer than usual today... But the opening S is LOVELY. How sweetly you flavored all my days, your wit and gentleness in memory survives. Echoes of forgotten dreams, these I like the inner rhyme of 'dreams' and 'schemes'. Works very well. midnight schemes rang free but time relentlessly denies. Ah, frustrated projects...dear me! How softly you gave me friendship true, for that was all that it could ever be. No feelings let to cross their bounds, 'let' sounds a bit weak here, but I suppose it would have to be reworded, too much trouble. Never mind. but in my heart, a part of me will never quite be free. Beautiful! So poignant... So sadly then we turned and walked away, with recollection of our words as we did part. QUOTE I tucked a rose of souvenir into my mind, , This is brilliant, Judi! The only thing that sounds a bit wrong is 'rose of souvenir'. 'Souvenir rose' is better, but then the rhythm fails, doesn't it? Maybe 'rose as souvenir'?well-pressed by life and treasured always by a thankful heart. An altogether lovely poem. I'm so glad I dropped in! Lucky me. Hugs, Sylvia *** Thanks Syvia...I am sorry it took so long to get back to you and thank you for your crit...I left it right as I went away on vacation and then spent another week in the hospital and am just getting back to a more normal routine. judi ······· ······· |
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Aug 28 07, 09:46
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#8
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Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,869 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
I'm so sorry, Judi, about your being in hospital. Hope all is well with you now, and that you'll shower us with more of your emotionally authentic poetry. It's still too soon, but I'll be asking Lori whether I can nominate this one for the next IBPC.
Hugs & love, Syl *** ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Aug 28 07, 10:39
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#9
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (Psyche @ Aug 28 07, 10:46 ) [snapback]101676[/snapback] I'm so sorry, Judi, about your being in hospital. Hope all is well with you now, and that you'll shower us with more of your emotionally authentic poetry. It's still too soon, but I'll be asking Lori whether I can nominate this one for the next IBPC. Hugs & love, Syl *** Ohhhhh!!!!...thanks so much...this really cheered me this morninhg. it's all good! ((hugs))) Judi ······· ······· |
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 Oct 2 07, 17:28
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#10
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 Assyrian Posts: 181 Joined: 13-September 07 From: Conway, Arkansas Member No.: 468 Real Name: Pamela Writer of: Poetry Referred By:self |
Dear Judi,
What a beautiful rhyming poem you have written here. Lovely, tender, poignant and deeply touching. I enjoyed how you mixed rhyme with assonance and I have to say this style must be uniquely your own as I've never seen another like it. Really beautiful. I hesitate to offer any crit on what seems to be a very personal poem, but I only have a little one... It's in your shorter stanza #3.... No feelings let to cross their bounds....the word let here confused me and cause a minor bump in my reading...did you mean left? Or let as in allowed? This one word is the only thing about this exquisite work I would change... Love Pami ······· ·······A relaxed attitude, and a heart of gratitude, increases life whilst joy doth exude! <:))))><
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Oct 2 07, 18:01
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#11
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (Lady Poet @ Oct 2 07, 18:28 ) [snapback]103159[/snapback] Dear Judi, What a beautiful rhyming poem you have written here. Lovely, tender, poignant and deeply touching. I enjoyed how you mixed rhyme with assonance and I have to say this style must be uniquely your own as I've never seen another like it. Really beautiful. I hesitate to offer any crit on what seems to be a very personal poem, but I only have a little one... It's in your shorter stanza #3.... No feelings let to cross their bounds....the word let here confused me and cause a minor bump in my reading...did you mean left? Or let as in allowed? This one word is the only thing about this exquisite work I would change... Love Pami Hi Pami..I think that every poet has or should have their own sound,..and the word is meant to be let, (as in feeling were not let to cross their bounds..(or get out of bounds......I have only pleasant memories of this strange friendship...and always will have! Quite platonic but pleasant. Platonic is good...(((((hugs))))) Judi ······· ······· |
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Oct 2 07, 18:06
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#12
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE (Judi @ Oct 2 07, 19:01 ) [snapback]103161[/snapback] QUOTE (Lady Poet @ Oct 2 07, 18:28 ) [snapback]103159[/snapback] Dear Judi, What a beautiful rhyming poem you have written here. Lovely, tender, poignant and deeply touching. I enjoyed how you mixed rhyme with assonance and I have to say this style must be uniquely your own as I've never seen another like it. Really beautiful. I hesitate to offer any crit on what seems to be a very personal poem, but I only have a little one... It's in your shorter stanza #3.... No feelings let to cross their bounds....the word let here confused me and cause a minor bump in my reading...did you mean left? Or let as in allowed? This one word is the only thing about this exquisite work I would change... Love Pami Hi Pami..I think that every poet has or should have their own sound,..and the word is meant to be let, (as in feeling were not let to cross their bounds..(or get out of bounds......I have only pleasant memories of this strange friendship...and always will have! Quite platonic but pleasant. Platonic is good...BTW, I am also a nurse..a semi retired one, who is thinking of doing some private duty. (((((hugs))))) Judi ······· ······· |
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Oct 2 07, 18:09
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#13
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Assyrian Posts: 181 Joined: 13-September 07 From: Conway, Arkansas Member No.: 468 Real Name: Pamela Writer of: Poetry Referred By:self |
QUOTE (Judi @ Oct 2 07, 18:01 ) [snapback]103161[/snapback] Hi Pami..I think that every poet has or should have their own sound,..and the word is meant to be let, (as in feeling were not let to cross their bounds..(or get out of bounds......I have only pleasant memories of this strange friendship...and always will have! Quite platonic but pleasant. Platonic is good...(((((hugs))))) Judi Ah. Okay so it did mean allowed...I gotcha! As for platonic those are the best kind...my hubby gets my best, my friends get the rest! Thanks for the hugs, I love 'em! (((((hugs back))))) ······· ·······A relaxed attitude, and a heart of gratitude, increases life whilst joy doth exude! <:))))><
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Oct 5 07, 12:16
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#14
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 544 Joined: 3-May 07 From: Central Florida Member No.: 427 Real Name: Judith Labriola Writer of: Poetry |
I know what you mean, but I had no husband at the time...oh well...Judi
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