Printable Version of Topic
Click here to view this topic in its original format
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ Free Verse Poetry for Critique -> Seren's Synapse _ Uncharted Bends
Posted by: Psyche Jun 13 13, 00:27
One of several versions, newly tweaked. Help welcomed!
REVISION Crits always welcomed. 
When I was a child, bubbles and dewdrops
were magical instants in my forever days.
I’d prance to the brief lifelines
of butterflies swarming over alfalfa crops,
giggle at sparrows flapping wings in dust baths,
harken to birds' pecks in luscious grapevines.
Daydreams were true as stalwart
poplars bending to mighty winds
or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.
From the nearby river's edge,
I'd skip bare-skinned into rippling waters
to quench my thirst;
swirling forward under noonday haze
I’d sense freedom in summer’s air
along meandering shores
where flows reversed.
Uncharted bends patterned moist flatlands
alive with sounds of mimicking mutants.
Relentless light shone keenly on my head
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.
Grasshoppers, sunflowers, our sturdy homestead,
-like your hand in mine now that my legs falter-
everything holds enduring truths to a child.
By Psyche
Changes:
magic = magical
Day dreams = daydreams
Solid = sturdy
Down = keenly
ORIGINAL
When I was a child, bubbles and dewdrops
were magic instants in my forever days.
I’d prance to the brief lifelines
of butterflies swarming over alfalfa crops,
giggle at sparrows flapping wings in dust baths,
harken to birds pecking in luscious grapevines.
Day dreams were true as stalwart poplars bent
to mighty winds or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.
From the nearby river's edge, I'd skip bare-skinned
into rippling waters to quench my thirst;
I'd swirl forward under noonday haze,
sensing freedom in summer’s air,
in meandering shores and flows reversed.
Uncharted bends patterned moist flatlands
alive with the sounds of mimicking mutants.
Relentless light shone down on my head
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.
Grasshoppers, sunflowers, our solid homestead,
-like your hand in mine now that my legs falter-
everything holds enduring truths to a child.
By Psyche
Copyright Sylvia Evelyn, Buenos Aires, Argentina, 2013.
Posted by: Thoth Jun 13 13, 16:18
Yes, uncharted bends indeed – and we ever even saw em coming! Strange how youth reveilles in adventure while the aged fear to depart from set routine.
I love this sketch and the ominous symbolism of reversed flows. I feel there is perhaps an undercurrent interwoven throughout hinting that paradise is not always what it seems to an innocent child. Enjoyed the alliteration in “echoing emptiness of the wilds” and particularly the “mimicking mutants”! Then end brings us home to reality with a nasty bump but leaves the reader with a positive thought.
Syl, I cant think of anything I’d want to change in this beautiful poignant piece, I love it all!
If I was to be really picky then perhaps your word arrangement could be polished in one or two places;
to mighty winds or fields of maize crinkling in breezes. “
Seems a little clunky. You could try :
“Day dreams were true as stalwart poplars
bending to mighty winds or
fields of maize crinkling in gentle breezes.”
Also;
into rippling waters to quench my thirst;
I'd swirl forward under noonday haze,
sensing freedom in summer’s air,
in meandering shores and flows reversed.”
Could read as follows:
“From the nearby river's edge, I'd skip bare-skinned
into rippling waters to quench my thirst
then swirling forward under noonday haze,
I’d sense freedom in summer’s air
and along meandering shores
where flows reversed.”
Use or lose Syl, this is defiantly going to be a favourite of mine.
XX
and Hugggz
Wally
Posted by: Eisa Jun 14 13, 07:15
Hi Syl
I have read through this beautiful poem several times and can find nothing to nit-pick. I enjoyed this so much. The beginning transported me back to childhood days - happy times! Yet the ending has a sting in the tail to get the reader thinking. Although poignant, the ending does send a positive message.
I love so many lines - I'll be back after the weekend to write some more.
Excellent stuff Syl!
Hugs
Snow 
Posted by: Eisa Jun 16 13, 17:06
Hi Syl
I'm back for another look at this and still find nothing that really needs changing. I just love his!
When I was a child, bubbles and dewdrops
were magic instants in my forever days.
I’d prance to the brief lifelines
of butterflies swarming over alfalfa crops,
giggle at sparrows flapping wings in dust baths,
harken to birds pecking in luscious grapevines.
This 1st stanza is magical - the wonderful world through a child's eye. Certainly drew me in!
Day dreams were true as stalwart poplars bent
to mighty winds or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.
I like Wally's suggestion here:
Day dreams were true as stalwart
poplars bending to mighty winds
or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.
From the nearby river's edge, I'd skip bare-skinned
into rippling waters to quench my thirst;
I'd swirl forward under noonday haze,
sensing freedom in summer’s air,
in meandering shores [and] where flows reversed.
Uncharted bends patterned moist flatlands
alive with [the] sounds of mimicking mutants.
I think 'the' could be mossed out for conciseness
Relentless light shone down on my head
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.
echoing emptiness of the winds
I begin to feel uneasy here!
Grasshoppers, sunflowers, our solid homestead,
-like your hand in mine now that my legs falter-
everything holds enduring truths to a child.
A thought provoking ending, Syl. Very beautifully done
Hugs
Snow
Posted by: Psyche Jun 16 13, 23:43
Hi Wally, please forgive my delay in thanking you for your great suggestions. As I seem to repeat, life's complicated!
I love this sketch and the ominous symbolism of reversed flows. I feel there is perhaps an undercurrent interwoven throughout hinting that paradise is not always what it seems to an innocent child. Enjoyed the alliteration in “echoing emptiness of the wilds” and particularly the “mimicking mutants”! Then end brings us home to reality with a nasty bump but leaves the reader with a positive thought.<<<< Thanks, it sort of came out that way, Wally.Glad you like the overall meanings
Syl, I cant think of anything I’d want to change in this beautiful poignant piece, I love it all!
If I was to be really picky then perhaps your word arrangement could be polished in one or two places;
to mighty winds or fields of maize crinkling in breezes. “
Seems a little clunky. You could try :
“Day dreams were true as stalwart poplars
bending to mighty winds or
fields of maize crinkling in gentle breezes.” <<<<<I agree, that's a lot better.
Also;
into rippling waters to quench my thirst;
I'd swirl forward under noonday haze,
sensing freedom in summer’s air,
in meandering shores and flows reversed.”
Could read as follows:
“From the nearby river's edge, I'd skip bare-skinned
into rippling waters to quench my thirst
then swirling forward under noonday haze,
I’d sense freedom in summer’s air
and along meandering shores
where flows reversed.” <<<<<<Yes, it makes more sense.
Use or lose Syl, this is defiantly going to be a favourite of mine.<<<<<Wow, thanks for your encouraging words.
XX
and Hugggz
Wally
And many hugggz to you,
Syl***
Posted by: Psyche Jun 16 13, 23:48
I have read through this beautiful poem several times and can find nothing to nit-pick. I enjoyed this so much. The beginning transported me back to childhood days - happy times! Yet the ending has a sting in the tail to get the reader thinking. Although poignant, the ending does send a positive message.<<<<<<< LOL, I have a bad habit of putting stings in tails!
I love so many lines - I'll be back after the weekend to write some more.
Excellent stuff Syl!
Hugs
Snow
Tx for commenting, Snow. I hope your weekend was untroubled and that Spring has arrived in your neck of the woods.
Hugs, Syl***
Posted by: Psyche Jun 16 13, 23:52
I have read through this beautiful poem several times and can find nothing to nit-pick. I enjoyed this so much. The beginning transported me back to childhood days - happy times! Yet the ending has a sting in the tail to get the reader thinking. Although poignant, the ending does send a positive message.
<<<<<<<I have a bad habit of putting stings in tails!
I love so many lines - I'll be back after the weekend to write some more.
Excellent stuff Syl!
Hugs
Snow
Tx so much for commenting, Snow. I hope you had an untroubled weekend and that Spring has finally arrived in your neck of the woods.
Hugs, Syl***
Posted by: Psyche Jun 17 13, 00:06
Great to have your second visit, Snow. Let's see now. You always give wonderful tips.
I'm back for another look at this and still find nothing that really needs changing. I just love his! <<<<<<<Tx!
When I was a child, bubbles and dewdrops
were magic instants in my forever days.
I’d prance to the brief lifelines
of butterflies swarming over alfalfa crops,
giggle at sparrows flapping wings in dust baths,
harken to birds pecking in luscious grapevines.
This 1st stanza is magical - the wonderful world through a child's eye. Certainly drew me in! <<<<<<<And I really was fortunate to have 10 years of a "magical" childhood. Kids don't get that sort of freedom in the modern world. Often, farmers live in the nearest village. They don't feel safe on their land anymore. My parents should probably have watched over me a little better, but they were always busy with farming and household chores. I certainly had to pitch in to help them. No work, no play!
Day dreams were true as stalwart poplars bent
to mighty winds or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.
I like Wally's suggestion here:
Day dreams were true as stalwart
poplars bending to mighty winds
or fields of maize crinkling in breezes. <<<<<Yep! Will revise asap.
From the nearby river's edge, I'd skip bare-skinned
into rippling waters to quench my thirst;
I'd swirl forward under noonday haze,
sensing freedom in summer’s air,
in meandering shores [and] where flows reversed. <<<<<Yes, will do.
Uncharted bends patterned moist flatlands
alive with [the] sounds of mimicking mutants.
I think 'the' could be mossed out for conciseness <<<<Agreed.
Relentless light shone down on my head
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.
echoing emptiness of the winds
I begin to feel uneasy here!
<<<<<Should I change something? Or is it a comment. I'm getting dim..
Grasshoppers, sunflowers, our solid homestead,
-like your hand in mine now that my legs falter-
everything holds enduring truths to a child.
A thought provoking ending, Syl. Very beautifully done
Hugs
Snow
[b]I'll make a revision, you've both helped a lot.
Hugs, Syl***
[/b]
Posted by: Psyche Jun 17 13, 00:12
Goodness, I double-posted one answer. It seemed to have disappeared, but it turned up again... 
Posted by: Eisa Jun 17 13, 07:37
I begin to feel uneasy here!
Should I change something? Or is it a comment. I'm getting dim..
Just a comment, Syl. I felt like it was preparing me for the sting in the tail.
Hugs
Snow
Let me know when you've finished revision as I'd lie to nom this for IBPC.
Posted by: saore Jun 21 13, 11:25
There is so much to like in this poem Sylvia. the opening stanza is amazing, vivid, gorgeous. I like the suggestions that Wally and Snow made. They are on target. The ending is very beautiful too.
Sergio
Posted by: Psyche Jun 22 13, 13:12
Revision done! Thank you, Wally and Eisa, your suggestions are smack on.
Cheers,
Syl*** 
Posted by: Psyche Jun 22 13, 13:20
Many thanks, Sergio, for reading and encouraging me to continue the poetical road. We're all in this together!
I don't remember whether I've ever mentioned to you that we're all learners here. Whenever you feel somebody's poem needs changes, go right ahead and say so!
Over in the fixed form forum, there are some true form specialists. Sometimes, I dare post there and receive some whackings...LOL...
I'll be back to read your latest poem. This afternoon I'm partying!
Cheers, 
Syl***
Sergio
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 24 13, 08:52
Hi Syl,
What a lovely poem to re-read again - Its so nice to bring up oldies and revise (at least I believe this is an oldie)? LOL!
I have a few comments to ponder as you like:
When I was a child, bubbles and dewdrops
were magic instants in my forever days.
If these are still magical instants (maybe change to magical), then you wouldn't need to start the poem with this part: When I was a child,
I’d prance to the brief lifelines
of butterflies swarming over alfalfa crops,
giggle at sparrows flapping wings in dust baths,
harken to birds' pecks in luscious grapevines.
This last line needs an edit for "harken to" since it is gramatically incorrect. It needs be either "harkens back to" or "harkening". While I like the old world feel of harken it's not quite right in this line. Perhaps you could use: eavesdrop or entertain instead?
Day dreams were true as stalwart
poplars bending to mighty winds
or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.
Day dreams should be one word: Daydreams
Relentless light shone down on my head
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.
Ok -here I think 'shown down on my head' is a bit wordy. How about deleting 'on my head'? or maybe 'shown above as I relished... ? Also, is there a better word choice for 'cold' - perhaps brisk or refreshing?
Grasshoppers, sunflowers, our solid homestead,
-like your hand in mine now that my legs falter-
everything holds enduring truths to a child.
Are you expressing that both grasshoppers and sunflowers ARE our solid homestead there? If so, then replace the comma after sunflowers with a dash and then delete the comma at end of L1 and replace it with the dash, which means you wouldn't need another dash at L2.
Lovely - as always T or T as you wish!
~Cleo 
Posted by: Psyche Jun 26 13, 00:45
Thanks so much, Lori, for dropping by to make suggestions. 
Yes, I have oldie and new versions of this poem. Two reasons for bringing up oldies: I'm totally uninspired due to personal problems and overwork; and new members might have fresh ideas.
It would be lovely if you were to bring back some older poems as well. Not all of us remember 10 year old poems, or were even here at MM. 
What a lovely poem to re-read again - Its so nice to bring up oldies and revise (at least I believe this is an oldie)? LOL!
I have a few comments to ponder as you like:
When I was a child, bubbles and dewdrops
were magic instants in my forever days.
If these are still magical instants (maybe change to magical), then you wouldn't need to start the poem with this part: When I was a child,
No, they're not still magical instants, I wish they were...LOL...I think it's clear that 'forever days' refers to a lack of time notion in some children's days. I do remember being told off for arriving at supper when it was already dark. Darkness scared me a little, so I would make a mad dash home, clean myself up and sit down at the table feeling guilty. Maybe you never lived out in the wide countryside? It used to be safe!
I could use magical, tx!
I’d prance to the brief lifelines
of butterflies swarming over alfalfa crops,
giggle at sparrows flapping wings in dust baths,
harken to birds' pecks in luscious grapevines.
This last line needs an edit for "harken to" since it is gramatically incorrect. It needs be either "harkens back to" or "harkening". While I like the old world feel of harken it's not quite right in this line. Perhaps you could use: eavesdrop or entertain instead?
Thanks, Lori! This always comes up. 'Harken to' is the same as 'listen to'. Harken is an i.v. but needs a preposition to connect it to its indirect object or complement. If I were to put 'harken back to' I'd be changing the tense of the sentence. It is a little archaic, but I like it and it's still used. I would rather not put 'harkening' because then I'd had have 3 'ings' in that stanza. I'll think about it.
Day dreams were true as stalwart
poplars bending to mighty winds
or fields of maize crinkling in breezes.
Day dreams should be one word: Daydreams<<<<Yep! Will change, tx.
Relentless light shone down on my head<<<<<<shone is simple past participle of shine. I could also used shined. It's pronounced 'shon'. But I didn't use 'shown', as you mention. Mixup?
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.
Ok -here I think 'shown down on my head' is a bit wordy. How about deleting 'on my head'? or maybe 'shown above as I relished... ? Also, is there a better word choice for 'cold' - perhaps brisk or refreshing?
I used the past participle of shine, which can be shined or shone, the latter being more British. Not 'shown'. Perhaps you mean wordy because your way it would have two words with similar sounds? 'Shone' is pronounced 'shon'. Anyway, I'll think about the adjective for water. I'd need a shorter word than 'refreshing' as I've already used 'relished'. Tx again!
Grasshoppers, sunflowers, our solid homestead,
-like your hand in mine now that my legs falter-
everything holds enduring truths to a child.
Are you expressing that both grasshoppers and sunflowers ARE our solid homestead there? If so, then replace the comma after sunflowers with a dash and then delete the comma at end of L1 and replace it with the dash, which means you wouldn't need another dash at L2.
No, I'm listing familiar things that are totally unrelated to each other, but nonetheless hold enduring truths to a child. It's more of a philosophical expression, as the faltering MC remembers the past and relates it to the present of 'your hand in mine...etc'. Hope that's clear.
Tx so much, Lori, I'll have to make the revision tomorrow coz it's 2.40 a.m.!
Hugs, Syl***
Lovely - as always T or T as you wish!
~Cleo
Posted by: Psyche Jun 27 13, 02:00
Thank you so much for the nomination, Snow!
I made some small changes just now. Still time for more tweaks!
Grateful for all the help and comments received.
Sylvia***
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 27 13, 10:15
Hi Sylvia,
Just popping back in for a few - rushing as usual, lol! Yes, I am planning to post a few oldies, but want to revise them first. Just flat out crazy busy these days with work deadlines and not as much time for myself.
I like the change to magical & of course, daydreams! 
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.
Ok -here I think 'shown down on my head' is a bit wordy. How about deleting 'on my head'? or maybe 'shown above as I relished... ? Also, is there a better word choice for 'cold' - perhaps brisk or refreshing?
I used the past participle of shine, which can be shined or shone, the latter being more British. Not 'shown'. Perhaps you mean wordy because your way it would have two words with similar sounds? 'Shone' is pronounced 'shon'. Anyway, I'll think about the adjective for water. I'd need a shorter word than 'refreshing' as I've already used 'relished'. Tx again!
Yes, I meant shone - silly me! Shone down - isn't it implied to be over the water/above your head? Like 'Relentless light shone down, to touch my head (and soul)
as I relished the immediacy of cold water.
Floating downstream on my back, I heeded
the echoing emptiness of the wilds.
Lovely!
~Cleo
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 29 13, 09:15
Hi Sylvia, 
I've edited your nom thread in our IBPC forum with the newest revision. I will be sending our 3 poems tomorrow evening.
I have one more tidbit for your consideration:
When I was a child, bubbles and dewdrops
were magical instants in my forever days.
For more alliteration, you could say: magical moments instead of magical instants.
Food for thought! 
Best of luck!
~Cleo
Posted by: Psyche Jun 29 13, 19:49
Hi Lori, 
I expect you already saw my post in the other thread. This poem has been published. Never thought about that till now.
Must leave off. A shame and I hope this reaches you in time. 
Hugs, Syl***
Posted by: Cleo_Serapis Jun 30 13, 07:43
Oh well Syl - that's ok. At least it brought this lovely poem to attention!
Thanks for letting me know - I have removed it from the IBPC email I'm sending now.
Cheers,
~Cleo
Powered by Invision Power Board (http://www.invisionboard.com)
© Invision Power Services (http://www.invisionpower.com)