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> *****Ponderin' Poetic Ripples ~ a challenge to interact here!!, An early Ballad... looking for critique and revision!
JustDaniel
post Mar 20 13, 10:54
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Referred By:Lori



Ponderin’ Poetic Ripples

A pond is not for pissin’ in
to see whose stream is best
or for comparin’ spigots… men…
it simply ain’t a test.

But strippin’ down together here
may chance a special place
that teaches more than solitaire…
reshuffle to enlace

our mind, our gut, imagination,
everything we are,
discovering a constellation…
not a dying star.

Come, wade in with me to the chest;
talk back and forth with me
to catch my rhythm, see what’s best
for rhymin’, sharin’ free.

We ponder ripples here; we watch
them ring out to the shore
or intermingle in a swatch…
new colors to explore

as dawn-light wrinkles through the waving,
soothing surface hues
that stir our hearts, our inner cravings…
dream when memory brews.

Now opening my eyes, I share,
not fearing what you’ll think,
and you in unison will blare…
in squawks of blue or pink

that filter through the steam now rising
as the morning sun
warms lilting breezes; not surprising…
hear us screech as one.

Now find a pebble; let it plook
into our little pond;
perhaps out there’s another kook…
who’ll ripple what we’ve spawned.

© MLee Dickens'son 29 March 2005
minor revision 20 March 2013


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Larry
post Mar 22 13, 08:16
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Referred By:Just wondered in.



Daniel,

I must apologize but can find nothing I would change. I've read "PPR" through a number of times and find your message to be clear, your rhyme scheme and choice of words innovative and your metrics to be precise.

Where, exactly, do you feel the piece needs additional polishing?

Larry


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When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
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Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

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JustDaniel
post Mar 22 13, 10:26
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Thank you so much, Larry!

I'm wanting to gradually cull out some pieces that might be publication-worthy that I haven't looked at for a while, and this was the first one that came to mind, since it's so to the point of what we'd really like to see happening here, if only we could see others joining us again! It was my feeling back then, as it is now.

As to what I think needs polishing, I simply want other eyes and ears. Often when we read our own pieces, we don't see the stumbles, hiccups and warts that stick out from others' reading, so this is the place to find whatever may be there.

... and of course I'm looking for 'no holds barred', as I've developed a bit of a thick skin over the years. I'm just looking to improve my writing... and to help others to do the same.

I'm not much help in the other forum -- free verse -- but occasionally I try my hand at it. Critiquing free verse, to me, challenges my ADHD mind, because changes can go in hundreds of directions, while the strictures of rhyme and meter... or at least form, limit the directions within the scope of my poor brain!

deLighting in feedback, Daniel sun.gif


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Larry
post Mar 22 13, 13:19
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Okay, Daniel,

I've re-read it a couple more times and did find a little something which you may take under consideration:

Your use of gerunds and the choppin' off the endin's of some and completing others. The inconsistency is not glaring or I would have recognized it through one of my earlier reads but when I went back through and tried to find anything, that is what I noticed. Seeing as how your ballad speaks more to the "common" folk than to sophisticates who would never consider pissin' in the pond, I'd say chop 'em all!

Larry


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When power leads man toward arrogance, poetry reminds him of his limitations. When power narrows the areas of man's concern, poetry reminds him of the richness and diversity of his existence. When power corrupts, poetry cleanses.
John Fitzgerald Kennedy



Kindness is a seed sown by the gentlest hand, growing care's flowers.
Larry D. Jennings

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JustDaniel
post Mar 24 13, 08:27
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Referred By:Lori



Hey, Larry...

I'm very much appreciative of your careful observation. I had intended for the 'commoner' approach at the beginning of the piece to modify into a more 'correct' and formal style as the poem went along, but I do see that I'd made the transition a bit raggedly, so I am considering modification. I'll be back to this soon.

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Maureen
post Apr 18 13, 20:23
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Hi Daniel

What a great poem - it flows just like the water, soft and silk smooth

The only thing I would nit pick is the first line of this verse

QUOTE
Come, wade in with me to the chest;
talk back and forth with me
to catch my rhythm, see what’s best
for rhymin’, sharin’ free.


only because it is a pool/pond/stream you are wading into and not a chest

Perhaps would change it to read

Come wade with me, up to the chest

but then again it sounds like there is a chest floating around there (pirate treasure) Come wade with me chest deep would work but would then necessitate an alteration to line 3

maybe along the lines perhaps of -

Come wade with me chest deep my friend
talk back and forth with me
to catch my rhythm, and the trend
for rhymin', sharing's free.


Cheers

Maureen
The Scribbly Bark Poet


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JustDaniel
post Apr 18 13, 21:56
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Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori



Dear Maureen...

Thank you so much for your great observation about that potential problem line. I hadn't heard that possibility, but I agree with your point. You make a couple of very acceptable suggestions, and I may take one of them intact! Much appreciated.

deLighting in the sharing, Daniel sun.gif


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