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Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews _ ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011 _ Unusual lover

Posted by: saore Oct 12 10, 09:45

Unusual lover

what is it about night
that you carry it in your mouth
beyond the moon’s orbit and time
through strange paths frequented
by Thanatos and his twin brother?
Is whatever just happened
already a memory, or are our tongues
blushing from the exchanged saliva?
Be rid of that black cloak in your eyes.
We were the strays that taught God
how to die in this queer universe.

Posted by: Psyche Oct 26 10, 15:54

Hi Sergio!
I´ve been very much away from MM due to tragic personal events. So just clicking in I came upon your poem, which poses various questions that need not be answered. i mean that it makes one reflect and perhaps come to conclusions that lead to other ideas and so on. That is good!
I especially like your two last lines, they have a strong impact on the reader, at least on me.

As i understand you-ve published this poem already, you-re not expecting critiques, but rather wish it to be read and appreciated in full.

Congrats & thanks for sharing,
Sylvia
PS: i just cant find some stuff on this keyboard, not my own! A bit of a mess....

Posted by: saore Oct 26 10, 16:08

Sylvia I think it has been published but I can no longer keep up with what gets published. I am still interested in suggestions because these poems will be going into a complete collection of poems, my first, and I would like them to be as polished as possible.

I am so sorry for what has happened in your family, what a terrible terrible thing. I am praying for you and your family.

abrazos,
sergio

Posted by: Psyche Oct 26 10, 17:57

Thank you, Sergio, for your sincere regrets. The attacked relation -49 years old- is finally back home but far from recovered. A long convalescence awaits him, with further surgeries... He can barely walk with a little help. It's so sad! And his little girls were present... enough!

I'm now in Bariloche near my daughter, after a month's postponement of my 10 day hols. It's so beautiful here!! Snow-capped mountains, deep lakes... too lovely to even get poetical, as I have a rather scatological mind and it would seem a shame to use these gifts from heaven as metaphors for what goes on in my head. I mean it..

I have to abandon this PC now, so I'll just ask about the first 3 lines:

'what is it about night
that you carry it in your mouth
beyond the moon’s orbit and time'

'night' here is the object the way you've phrased it, so the subject carries 'night' in his/her mouth beyond the moon's orbit....etc.

This startles me coz it's a mighty thing to carry night in one's mouth, and I think it's a wondrous metaphor but would be glad if you were to explain a little. Your unusual poetry, in this case about love, metaphysical & real, certainly deserves further recognition and I hope the collection can be published soon.

Oops, must go, will come back!
Sylvia