Borderland***-Revision Options

[Luce]

Borderland - Revision

We lived on the same two blocks
- them and us.

Blues flowed from their front stoops
and fed them like honey
while the fire of our boleros
kept our hearts from freezing.

Our church was on their street,
a gothic mammoth of ancient power,
standing in a river of storefront religion.

To go to our church we ventured into their nation
knowing it would scream a challenge. With jeers
and bottles they would defend their piece of misery.

We had no Spock to negotiate a truce,
to remind us that we were all in this together.

We were to them, as threatening as a fire
in a crowded movie house.

And they were to us, as alien as America.


Borderland

We lived on the same two blocks
- them and us.

Blues flowed from their steps
and fed them like honey
while the fire of our boleros
kept our hearts from freezing.

Our church was on their street,
a gothic mammoth of ancient power,
standing in a river of storefront religion.

To go to our church we ventured into their nation
knowing it would scream a challenge
for them to defend their piece of misery.

We had no Spock to negotiate a truce,
to say, “we are all in this together”.

We were to them, as savage as a fire
in a crowded movie house

And they were to us, as alien as America.

[Merlin]

Hello Luce,
This is fantastic. Because I'm a fussy felix, I'm delighted to read something in this category that I can actually appreciate. I differentiate between free verse and open form; it's a quirk of mine. There's no problem for me to use open form here.

As far as critique, there really ought not to be any as the form allows you to present what you wish to present. However, I'll make a suggestion or another that may work for you.

Your imagery is very clear. I see 2 distinct societies living as neighbors. If correct, 1 is black, the other hispanic. You might look at >>>
Blues flowed from their steps
and fed them like honey
while fire from our boleros <<minor change
kept hearts from freezing. <<struck out "our" (good alliteration, btw.)

Since the narrator appears to be hispanic, consider using "La Iglesia", instead of "our church", which should be understood by most readers.

I'm not much of a movie person, so I only hope that "Spock" is the correct person to negotiate.

Enjoyed the read.

Merlin

[Critter]

Borderland

We lived on the same two blocks
- them and us.
I like the whole 'fable' quality of this...almost science fiction but yet in very 'real; terms. Just a few comments in places that gave me pause.

Blues flowed from their steps
and fed them like honey
while the fire of our boleros
kept our hearts from freezing.
S2 takes us right to the heart of the poem.

Our church was on their street,
a gothic mammoth of ancient power,
standing in a river of storefront religion.
I think I guessed what 'our' religion was but I was a little vague on what 'storefront religion' meant although I liked the terminology coinage.

To go to our church we ventured into their nation
knowing it would scream a challenge
for them to defend their piece of misery.
hmm maybe this strophe should 'balance' as in what happened when they went into 'we' territory...

We had no Spock to negotiate a truce,
to say, “we are all in this together”.
The Star Trek imagery works as they visited this kind of theme all the time. I searched the quote and Spock didn't show up although a lot of people said it...one added "...by ourselves" which I thought was kind of neat. But, I can hear Spock saying it.

We were to them, as savage as a fire
in a crowded movie house wow, maybe a bit extreme...

And they were to us, as alien as America. The ending is awesome. No real suggestions but I think some sections could use some tweaking.

[Luce]

Thanks Merlin and Critter. I'm glad you liked the poem. I will consider your suggestions.

I think I'll take the quotes off for Spock. I don't want people to think I'm quoting from a Star Trek episode.

I'll also put a few words to describe what happens when the two groups meet. I'll also tone down from "savage" to "threatening".

Storefront religion - It describes all the small and/or branched off Baptist, Protestant, Jehovah Witness, etc., groups that would pop up in the neighborhood. They would establish themselves in storefronts meant for small business and not churches.

Front stoops - The last time I used this term, some readers didn't know what I meant. Well, in Harlem and I'm sure in other places, most brownstones had front stoops. Basically, these are stairs leading into the building with a small landing at the top of the stairs. In summer, before AC was widely available, kids and adults would hang out on the front stoops to keep cool. It was the city equivalent of a house's front porch.

Luce

[K.S. Lenk]

Yes, me too, nothing but praise. This is an unknown world to me, being European, but I can envisage and understand.

Regards,
K

[Luce]

Thanks Krista. I'm glad you like the poem.

Luce

[greenwich]

What is the significance of the colour blue. Does it denote religious adherence. Coming from the UK I thought of Glasgow and Liverpool Protestants and Catholics

[Luce]

What is the significance of the colour blue. Does it denote religious adherence. Coming from the UK I thought of Glasgow and Liverpool Protestants and Catholics

The color blue has no significance. I just used it as an alty for "brilliant" in the line.

To quote or misquote Freud 'cause there is no evidence that he ever said this "sometimes a knife is just a knife".

Luce

[Luce]

What is the significance of the colour blue. Does it denote religious adherence. Coming from the UK I thought of Glasgow and Liverpool Protestants and Catholics

Oh my goodness, I must of been sleep depraved when I answered your question before. My apologies.

Please ignore my reply to your question above. For a second I thought you were referring to the poem I have in the form section where I use the color blue in a line. And it is used as an alty for "brilliant" in the line as in ..."brilliant blues". Also, the color blue has no special significance in that poem.

Blue in this poem is not a color. It's a music form as in Rhythm and Blues.

Luce