 Visions in Twilight |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Apr 15 10, 18:36
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#21
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori  |
QUOTE (4rum @ Apr 5 10, 21:49 )  Dear Eisa; As is the case with Dani, I'm just blown away by the kindness and sincerity I've been shown in this write. I do wish you to also know that I have not been idle through this correspondence. I have read much reference material and many wonderful entries by the very gifted folks here in my studies. I've truly been enriched by this experience and pray that you and all who helped so wonderfully receive a blessing. Sam Hi Sam It is evident by your revision that you have worked hard in the background and I congratulate you again. I am still unsure of this line though as it doesn't flow so easily wanton breath vaults breasts clefted shadows Perhaps something like:- wanton breath vaults clefted shadows of your breasts licking at your neck turned to catch last light This is a bit more wordy, but flows of the tongue a little easier. Take or toss! Snow 
·······  ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner            |
  
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Apr 16 10, 14:31
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#22
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 Assyrian  Posts: 271 Joined: 21-July 07 From: somewhere twixt 'n' tween Member No.: 456 Real Name: Sam Richmond Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:N/A |
Hi Eisa
 I'll run it off on word and try it. Be right back'rum ······· ······· Values are to integrity as spirit to spirituality ... the one is needed that the other is sustained ~ Sam
MM Award Winner  |
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Apr 16 10, 14:40
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#23
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Assyrian Posts: 271 Joined: 21-July 07 From: somewhere twixt 'n' tween Member No.: 456 Real Name: Sam Richmond Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:N/A |
Ok, I'm back. It is just a little more wordy. It works fine though. I do worry sometimes that when attempting to write in an archaic tone, that sometimes a little more is too much. Here's the suggestion you made, I just 'felt' as though the 'the' was needed as well. What do you think?
Oh and thanks for the consideration :) Visions inTwilight~Revisited In anticipation I search the twilight as the horizon dims and you come to me in purples once the sun has slipped its golden sabers into that sheath which nighttime holds I await you … your step is soft it stirs the lilac and sends me a fragrance my senses awaken, quiver your vision tempts I need the beauty the sanctity of your bosom bared wanton breath vaults the clefted shadows of your breasts licking at your neck turned to catch last light curved
inviting reaching out to my lips moments pass into violet eyes are blurred but not the touch virile on velvet, mauveine emotion, sighs fallen from mulberry lips … colors fade into memories purple ever the last to go your parting sculpture remains in my eyes I reach out your promise abides you are there for me in twilight ······· ······· Values are to integrity as spirit to spirituality ... the one is needed that the other is sustained ~ Sam
MM Award Winner |
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Apr 16 10, 14:45
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#24
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Assyrian Posts: 271 Joined: 21-July 07 From: somewhere twixt 'n' tween Member No.: 456 Real Name: Sam Richmond Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:N/A |
... hmmmm ... all formatted and everything ... I think I have to agree with you. Again thanks so much for time, effort and good judgement expended on my behalf.
'rum ······· ······· Values are to integrity as spirit to spirituality ... the one is needed that the other is sustained ~ Sam
MM Award Winner |
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Apr 16 10, 15:15
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#25
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Mosaic Master Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Sam - yes, I agree ... adding 'the' it reads much smoother
wanton breath vaults the clefted shadows of your breasts licking at your neck turned to catch last light Perhaps bring 'the' down to L2 - maks more sense? Snow
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner |
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Apr 16 10, 15:28
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#26
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Assyrian Posts: 271 Joined: 21-July 07 From: somewhere twixt 'n' tween Member No.: 456 Real Name: Sam Richmond Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:N/A |
chuckle ... yep ... already did that in the 'final draft' copy I saved to my files. Thanks a million.
'rum ······· ······· Values are to integrity as spirit to spirituality ... the one is needed that the other is sustained ~ Sam
MM Award Winner |
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