Many thanks to all who suffered through and helped so much
'rum



Original poem ...

Visions inTwilight

I look for you in the twilight
for you come to me in purples
once the sun has slip’t its golden sabres
into that sheath which nighttime holds
I await
and you come
your step is soft
it crushes on the lilac and sends me a fragrance
my senses awaken
quiver
your vision tempts
I need the beauty
the sanctity of your bosom
bared
shadowed cleft licks greedily at your neck
turned to catch last light
curved
inviting
reaching out to my lips
colors fade into mem’ries
purple ever the last to go
the molded sculpture remains in my eyes
I reach out
you are there for me
always there for me
in twilight

Corrected spelling of bosom. Thank you Eisa. Also corrected nighttime, thanks Siren

This your poem about vision is rich in imagery
and I love the way it flowed from line to line,
every line is original and a delight to read.

I'll take time to check you previous posts
as this is exactly what poetry is to me

Keep posting, friend.

Dear Oludpoet;

I am deeply encouraged by your kind comment. I am trying very hard to learn to understand free verse. I often read such lovely poetry in free form that actually is unfettered. It flows, has rhythm and is just uplifting to read. I cannot master it. I am too obstinate to stop trying. I need help. There is NO better place to come to for help than MM.

Your encouragement may be the boost to keep me studying, I know that I will try again.

Thank you
Sam

Hello Sam,
I believe this the first poem I've read of yours. You have so many lovely images here.
First of... the title is captivating, so kudos for that.

I will go through this poem bit my bit and lend my thoughts and suggestions.


I look for you in the twilight breathtaking opening
for you come to me in purples I don't think "for" is necessary here
once the sun has slip’t its golden sabres I kind of liked reading "slip't" as you wrote it here but feel you can lessen the wordiness here
into that sheath which night time holds "nighttime" is one word

I love how you start this poem. The longing spills through clearly.

I look for you in the twilight.
You come to me in purple hues
once the sun has sheathed its golden sabres.

I want to change L4 and let it flow downwards to the rest of the poem..

I await
and you come
your step is soft
it crushes on the lilac and sends me a fragrance

"I await" is pretty basic and I felt it needs more showing than telling, plus if her footsteps are soft the can't crush the lilacs... but maybe ruffle them a bit?

my senses awaken
quiver
your vision tempts
I need the beauty
the sanctity of your bossom
bared
shadowed cleft licks greedily at your neck I like "shadowed cleft" but how can it lick greedily?

turned to catch last light
curved
inviting
reaching out to my lips
colors fade into mem’ries
purple ever the last to go
the molded sculpture remains in my eyes
I reach out
you are there for me
always there for me
in twilight

Ok so much going on up there so I'm going to scribe my suggested changes along with line breaks and thoughts in a finished version... ofcourse all those are my opinions which you can choose to use or lose. I would also prefer to cut this out in seperate stanzas.


I look for you in the twilight.
You come to me in purple hues
once the sun has sheathed its golden sabres.

Nighttime arrests me
as your soft steps ruffle my lilacs;
lifting their fragrance, seductively.

My senses awaken, quiver,
as your vision appears,
luring need
for the sanctity of your bosom.
Ah! beauty bared!

I seek shadowed clefts,
lick greedily at your neck
in last night's memorial.
It curves invitingly
reaching out for my lips.

Colors fade with mem'ries,
violet clings almost endlessly.
I reach out
you are there for me
always.

My Twilight

I am sorry it seems I made a lot of changes. pls remember everything is for you to take or toss.

Lovely and deeply touching poem...

Dani

Oh Dani, what a wonderful treat! I can hardly believe you took so much time on this poem. You have given me so much. I'll print out your review and study it in depth. I read through a couple of times and was really impressed with your suggestions. I WISH that I had written the version that you did. Your closing 'My Twilight' is exactly what I wanted. This is a very personal poem. I think you have captured the intent wonderfully.

One point, and I know that I was unclear in the poem, it was the shadow chasing, not the cleavage. I wanted the movement of the shadow to embellish the the curve of her neck, implied moonlight, heightened anticipation ("the rise and fall of her bossom has been done to death") ... the longing in the two is mutual.

Thank you, thank you for your wonderful review.

'rum

Hello Sam,

I am glad I could be of help and even if you do not use all my suggestions I do hope that they stir you towards the editted version that satisfies you.

Spending time on it was my pleasure, mostly because it is a touching and inspiring poem.

As for your intent... on the shadow chasing mmmm am thinking... suggestions on what I made S4

Moonshine slip't through
the waves of your breath,
licking greedily at your neck
in last night's memmorial.
Its shadowed clefts curve invitingly,
reaching out for my lips.

Just playing around with it... not sure. Hope it at least nudges you in the right direction...

Dani

Dear Dani;

I'm doing a revision but it may take some time. Summer time has struck and I'm up to my Wa-zoo in unmown grass. This last visit of yours has added some zip I think. I feel our directions are parallel. Where we differ is the intent. You are very right in every aspect and make the write more universally appealing, however, the write is for a particular lady. There are inferences that she will appreciate that are very obscure to the casual reader. I apologize for concealing some aspects of the poem. I do plan to incorporate some of your very astute suggestions. The poem will read better and have a broader appeal.

Thank you so much for you help and encouragement.

Sam

Hey Sam,

I am patient and my return to your thread is out of appreciation for your poetic voice. So please understand that I expect you to keep your voice alive.



Dani

Hi Sam

I have enjoyed reading your poem and its descriptive images.

Dani has given you some fantastic suggestions already ... but I'll add my own take on this to see if anything might help you further.

Visions inTwilight

Your title drew me in here - perhaps Twilight Visions would be more concise.

This might benefit from breaking down into smaller stanzas

I look for you in the twilight
for you come to me in purples
once the sun has slip’t its golden sabres
into that sheath which night time holds

L1 - Perhaps 'search' instead of 'look'
L3/4 - I feel its unneccessary for the abbreviation of slip't, but these lines could be better written as
And night has sheathed
the golden sabres of the sun

I search for you in the twilight
for you come to me in purples
and night has sheathed
the golden sabres of the sun

I await
and you come
your step is soft
it crushes on the lilac and sends me a fragrance

L1/2 - I agree with Dani - 'I await' is a bit ordinary, how about
I await – breathless for your arrival

L3/4 Yes - a soft step would not crush the petals, perhaps -
your soft step tousles the lilac
fragrancing the air.

I await - breathless for your arrival
your soft step tousles the lilac
fragrancing the air

my senses awaken
quiver
your vision tempts
I need the beauty
the sanctity of your bossom
bared

L5 - sp bosom

Rearrangeing your thoughts slightly at the end

my senses awaken
quiver
your vision of beauty tempts
me to the sanctity of your
bared bosom.

shadowed cleft licks greedily at your neck
turned to catch last light
curved
inviting

This part is difficult to understand, but this is how I understand it

I lick greedily at your neck’s
shadowed cleft
turn to catch the last light’s
inviting curve

reaching out to my lips
colors fade into mem’ries
purple ever the last to go
the molded sculpture remains in my eyes
I reach out
you are there for me
always there for me
in twilight

This part just needs a bit of tweaking

you reach out to my lips
colors merge into mem’ries
purple lingers
as your molded sculpture remains
I reach out in twilight
and you are there for me
always

I hope that some of my thoughts might help (when you have finished cutting those lawns!) Just ignore anything that is not what you are looking for.

I look forward to your revision.

Snow

First, I'm very grateful for the help and suggestions from both Siren and Eisa. I will revise this poem and incorporate some of the advice from both. I think before I do that, I'll give my take on the original (with the corrected spelling of bosom and nightime as one word).

I posted it indexed to the left because I know that most critiques prefer it that way. If I were going to exhibit the poem it would be centered with a soft text, probably in italics or maybe a simple script. Maybe something like this:




Going to run off and paste to 'Word' now for my take on the form, structure and presentation. BRB

Hi Sam

There is no reason why you shouldn't centr your poem - I've done that with some of mine.

Snow

Please understand that none of this is intended to be obstinate or argumentative. It's only my take on the write. I do still plan to do a rewrite.

And thanks again for the kind comments which accompanied the effort and selfless encouragement extended in all the wonderful reviews.

Visions inTwilight

Title: I see visions ‘in’ the twilight with her coming ‘out’ to me.

I look for you in the twilight

Again ‘in’ the twilight and it ties the title more solidly.

for you come to me in purples

‘for’ emphasizes that she comes to ME. It’s an anticipated expectation. We meet often this way (though we’ve never actually met).

Most of my relational writing will rely on suggestion and implied vision. I seem to depend heavily on the reader ‘seeing’ their own vision with only my suggestion. What they see will (if the tone is set) be beautiful to them and not cause them to disagree with me…. Chuckle.

once the sun has slip’t its golden sabres
into that sheath which nighttime holds
I await

There is, to me, a distinct break between the time the sun’s rays disappear and the purples fully evolve.

and you come

I could have said “And then you come”, but I wanted the simplicity again of mutual expectations. I expected her to come, she expects me to be there for her.

your step is soft
it crushes on the lilac and sends me a fragrance

I want the softness, but she weighs 115 pounds, there is no way that would not crush the petals of a lilac bloom. Sorry, you’re just wrong. Hee hee 

my senses awaken
quiver

In lieu of punctuation and the safety of my usual ellipses I used single words to put emphasis on them. ‘quiver’ and ‘bared’ are both meant to cause a break and bring out the emotion.
your vision tempts
I need the beauty
the sanctity of your bosom


bared

shadowed cleft licks greedily at your neck
turned to catch last light
curved
inviting
reaching out to my lips

OK, what I was going for with the ‘shadowed cleft’ theme. Guess I didn’t quite carry it off. But I especially did NOT want to use the ‘heavy breathing, rise and fall of her full, voluptuous, ripe, huge melons…………… again… suggestion and implied movement in anticipation. Bosoms imply cleavage. Cleavage implies shadow. If the shadow licks greedily toward her neck, it was meant to ‘imply’ that her respiration had increased. In reading I have seen shadows lick, sun’s rays lick, water’s lap, dew kiss etc.

To me a woman’s neck is very sensual. It’s meant that way here. The shadow of her breast is rising toward her neck. Her neck is still in the last light … highlighted, inviting, curved out to me. I kinda like it that way.

colors fade into mem’ries

The encounter MUST end. (It’s one of those clandestine deals).

purple ever the last to go

After purple comes black or darkness.

the molded sculpture remains in my eyes

But I can still see the vision, hence the mem’ries.

I reach out
you are there for me
always there for me
in twilight

We cannot have the day. We only have the twilight. And then only in vision.

Oh Sam! What a beautifully seductive verse! It is as sinuous and seductive as the, 'you' who visits you in the purple twilight. It breaths the perfume of sensuality. Your initial inspiration spoke volumes about love - I would hate you to change it.
Leo

Hi Sam

When someone posts a poem for critique, all we do is offer suggestions, based on how we interpret it -- in the end, it is your poem to only make changes you feel comfortable with.

I look forward to reading your work again.

Snow

... mmm'k ... better? or worse? Too busy toward the end? Should we bag an' tag this puppy?

Wow Sam!!!

Wonderful rewrite and with even more emotion. I'm captivated truly.

Well done my dear! Well done indeed!

DANI

Wow!!!! Sam this is tremendous!

Please copy it at the top of this thread above your original for everyone to see.

In this revision you have captured much more emotion and it flows better. The only line I did find a bit much of a mouthful was :-

wanton breath vaults breasts clefted shadows (It could just be me though)

Congratulations!

Snow

Dear Dani;

I really can't express my gratitude for the way you have stuck by my request for help studying free verse. I'm painfully aware of my limitations but with this write I'm encouraged to try again.

Thank you
Sam

Dear Eisa;

As is the case with Dani, I'm just blown away by the kindness and sincerity I've been shown in this write. I do wish you to also know that I have not been idle through this correspondence. I have read much reference material and many wonderful entries by the very gifted folks here in my studies. I've truly been enriched by this experience and pray that you and all who helped so wonderfully receive a blessing.

Sam

Dear Sekhmet;

I DID see your comment and meant to reply and thank you. My short term memory is not good. I failed to acknowledge your kindness until now in re-reading. I do apologize. Quite coincidentally you mentioned "It breathes the perfume of sensuality." I have a sensual poem by that very title 'Breaths Perfume'.

Thank you so much for reading and leaving such a warm comment.

Sam