 Ever Easy?, A tribute |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jan 17 04, 17:03
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#1
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 Laureate Legionnaire  Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry  |
Another revision
Spun images cobble distant memories. Sounds echo, strain through time. The reel rolling infinitely, holds all senses captive in rapturous ripples of spent words and caresses. Tears tile their way onto my lap, but in this interval I cannot decipher their essence. The eyrie nest of joy, or the woe of Jones's locker? Revised TY CLEO Spun images reflect distant memories. Sounds echo, pierce through time. The reel rolling infinitely, holds all senses captive into a trance of past words and caresses. Tears tile their way onto my lap, but for once I cannot decipher their essence. Original Spun images reflect distant memories. Sounds echo, pierce through time. The reel rolling infinitely holds all senses captive in a trance of past words and caresses. Tears pave their way onto my lap, but for once I cannot decipher their essence. Joy?... Sorrow?... To Baba (my dad) on his B'day... He;d have been 57 today. ·······  ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner     |
  
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Jan 17 04, 17:59
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#2
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Dear Dani
A touching tribute. In case you want any nits, here are v minor ones : The reel rolling infinitely, -- no comma holds all senses captive into a trance of past -- surely in rather than into ? words and caresses. Love Alan |
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Jan 17 04, 18:43
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#3
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Alan,
Thanks for the nits... You know I love any help I can get... :) Daniah ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Jan 18 04, 01:11
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#4
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 18,552 Joined: 2-August 03 From: Southwest New Jersey, USA Member No.: 6 Real Name: Daniel J Ricketts, Sr. Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Dear Daniah...
at last your dear father's eyes sparkle again in your tears. His smile emerges brighter in your fingers... and they touch gently. warmed tears weeping may last the night; joy comes in the morning but sometimes darkness mingles… ‘til tears smile © Daniel J Ricketts 18 Jan 2004 Psalm 30:5 sLightly moist, Daniel 
······· ·······Slow down; things will go faster!
MM Award Winner     |
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Jan 18 04, 08:40
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#5
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Dani,
a kaleidoscopic view of your memories, all brought into focus. Yes you can share both a tear and happiness. Wonderfully done. Larry |
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Jan 18 04, 10:09
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#6
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Daniah. :lovie:
What a touching piece! As Daniel mentioned, your father's sparkle is surely blending in your tears, and touch.  I've just a couple of ideas (for stanza format) and one other suggestion for last sentence - please take or toss. Hugaroooooos! ~Lori :pharoah: Spun images reflect distant memories. Sounds echo, pierce through time. How about: Spun images reflect distant memories. Sounds echo; pierce through time. The reel rolling infinitely holds all senses captive in a trance of past words and caresses. NICE!!!!!! Tears pave their way onto my lap, but for once I cannot decipher their essence. Tears {tile} their way onto my lap; I cannot decipher their essence. Joy?... Sorrow?... I'm not certain that you even need this last line? But if you wanted to keep it, perhaps you could add a few more words to it? Joy looks to Sorrow; both go unanswered? ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner     |
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Jan 18 04, 18:07
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#7
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Daniel,
What a lovely thing to say! Thank you... and your riposte is beautiful!!! Yes, sometimes tears do smile... Dani:D ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Jan 18 04, 18:09
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#8
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Larry,
Thank you for the sweet words... I'm glad you liked them... It's hard to weave through them sometimes, but I do manage... Dani ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Jan 18 04, 18:12
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#9
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Lori,
I love your nits! I'm going to post the revision now... I agree with you on the last line... I'm removing it... Thanks for the insight... Hugs Daniah ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Jan 19 04, 02:53
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#10
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Egyptian Posts: 427 Joined: 5-August 03 From: Oregon, USA Member No.: 8 Real Name: Dolly Writer of: Poetry |
Dear Daniah,
Every year your beautiful rembrance poems bring me to tears, as did this one. I'm so sorry you lost your father so early in your life. He must have been a wonderful Dad in every sense of the word ... how blessed you've been to know him. In my belief, you two can be together again someday. Just my beliefs, but I have strong testimony of them. Sometimes I wonder which is worse ... to have a father who was never there for you .. or to lose one who was ... Tonight I share tears with you, Daniah, as my heart cries for your loss. Please accept my wishes for a happy, healthy, safe year ahead and forgive me for having missed the correct time to give them to you, Jan. 15. A warm hug for you tonight, Dolly |
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Jan 19 04, 03:29
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#11
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Dear Dolly,
Thank you for the sweet and kind words... I feel his loss always... somedays more strongly than others... Thank you for the warmth and well birthday wishes... and It's ok... better late than never, right? :D :D :D Thank you Daniah ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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Jan 19 04, 08:41
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#12
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 Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,250 Joined: 2-August 03 From: USA Member No.: 7 Writer of: Poetry |
QUOTE(Siren @ Jan. 17 2004, 16:03) Revised TY CLEO Spun images reflect distant memories. Sounds echo, pierce through time. The reel rolling infinitely, holds all senses captive into a trance of past words and caresses. Tears tile their way onto my lap, but for once I cannot decipher their essence. Original Spun images reflect distant memories. Sounds echo, pierce through time. The reel rolling infinitely holds all senses captive in a trance of past words and caresses. Tears pave their way onto my lap, but for once I cannot decipher their essence. Joy?... Sorrow?... To Baba (my dad) on his B'day... He;d have been 57 today. Hello Dani~ This is such a touching expression of your love and heartache in losing your precious Dad. It is so tender! I commented on this before and must say that although the revised piece is lovely, I found your original to be even more powerful. Something about the pondering questions at the end. It is a wonderful tribute with "love's" kisses felt throughout. Blessed be~ Lindi ······· ·······"Imagination is more important than knowledge and encircles the world"
Albert Einstein MM Award Winner   |
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Jan 19 04, 17:35
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#13
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Laureate Legionnaire Posts: 1,547 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Jeddah, Saudi Arabia Member No.: 13 Real Name: Daniah Writer of: Poetry |
Dearest Lindi,
Thank you sweetie for commenting here too... I understand your partiality to the ending line... I'll thinik on it and see... hugs Daniah ······· ·······Happiness is a journey, not a destination.
"A good book is not read and forgotten. It lingers in the mind of the reader, reshaping thoughts, asking new questions, revisiting ancient ones." MM Award Winner |
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