Hi Bev
This sounds a facinating journey, that you have adeptly described. I find some of the language in this a bit abrupt and the addition of a word here and there would help the flow aong.
Here are my thoughts ~
With Windmills & Tumble Weeds
Hypnotised by rows of mielies
leading to out-of-the-way places;
our minds glide over sunflower heads;
flatness, no farmer seen, bush covered hillocks.
I recognise that hypnotised feeling you get when on a long journey.
I feel an abruptness in the last lines, which could be smoothed out ~
Hypnotised by rows of mielies
leading to out-of-the-way places;
our minds glide over sunflower heads
to flatness, where no farmer’s seen,
on bush covered hillocks.
I think out-of-the-way places, may be a bit cliche
An abandoned tractor is the only greenery.
Tumble weeds bring a scarlet
flush to the bleak roadside.
Telephone wires - hint of man;
linking [isolated] isolation with distant places.
City opulence forsaken -
smog vaporises revealing
black bejewelled far-off sky.
I like the change in this verse – breaking the monotony of the journey.
Elements are relied upon,as wind blows wheel,
blades pump underground streams,
life's augmented with colours coalesce.
[Too] swiftly, our tumble weed is snared;
forcefully we journey back to our urban days.
I hope something here might help -- otherwise 'bin it!' LOL!!
Snow
Hello Snow~
Thank you for joining my journey!
I will take a look.
Did not want it to be too wordy. But, perhaps I went overboard!
Thank you for your suggestions.
PP
Thank you, Snow, for your thoughts. What do you think of the revision? Do you think I could be a bit more introspective? Not sure. I think this one will take more work but, in the meantime what do you think - perhaps this weekend I will have some quiet time to think about my favorite hobby - (poetry) life has been a bit hectic, and I feel like I have been skating over the surface and not getting deeper into my thoughts and writings.
With appreciation for your time.
PP
Hi Bev
Your revision does read so much smoother. When you work on this over the weekend, I would try to trim back the unnecessary now.
Here are a few thoughts ~
Hypnotised by rows of mielies
[which] drawing us to remote places
[forcing] our minds [to] glide over sunflower heads.
[Not a] No farmer's seen near bush covered hillocks.
Hypnotised by rows of mielies
drawing us to remote places
our minds glide over sunflower heads.
No farmer’s seen near bush covered hillocks.
An abandoned tractor is the only greenery.
Tumble weeds bring [a]scarlet flushes
[flush] to the broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires - hint of man;
link[ing the] isolated, with distant places.
An abandoned tractor is the only greenery.
Tumble weeds bring scarlet flushes
to a broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires - hint of man,
link isolated, with distant places.
City opulence forsaken -
smog vaporises revealing
black bejewelled far-off sky.
[Elements relied upon,] The wind turns wheels,
blades pump underground streams,
life becomes augmented;
colours [coalesce and] erupt in coalescence
The wind turns wheels,
blades pump underground streams,
life becomes augmented;
colours erupt in coalescence.
Too swiftly, our tumble weed is snared;
compelling us to journey
back to our hurried urban days.
Just a few thoughts -- hope they help in some way. Happy revising! LOL!
Snow
I shall return, PP... heading to eye doctor and then to work...
All is a bit blurry at the moment...
but the picture is stunning, and the poem goes well with it...
but my first impression is that your removing some incidental words has made it a bit too choppy, unnatural in its flow... not in its content.
I'll be back when I can for specifics.
deLightin' in your painting, Daniel
Hello Daniel
I'd appreciate your comments. I think I need to delve a bit deeper! As I said above introspect a bit more...I will try and work on it this weekend.
Please return.
PP
Hi Bev
You paint a fascinating picture of an environment that is totally alien to my experience. Sounds like you had a wonderful time.
A few thoughts, take or leave as you wish.
[add] {delete} comment
Hypnotised by rows of mielies
{which draw} [drawing] us to remote places
{forcing} our minds {to} glide over sunflower heads. <<you need a verb so the sentence makes sense
Not a farmer seen near bush[-] covered hillocks. <<this line doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the verse. Perhaps link it to the telephone wires.
An abandoned tractor, the only greenery.
Tumble weeds bring a scarlet
flush to broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires - hint of man;
linking the isolated{, with}[to] distant places.
suggestion for the above two verses:
Hypnotised by rows of mielies
drawing us to remote places,
our minds glide over sunflower heads
past the greenery of an abandoned tractor
to tumble weeds bringing a scarlet
flush to broad, bleak roadsides.
No farmers toil near bush-covered hillocks
but telephone wires hint at Man's presence,
linking the isolated to distant places.
City opulence forsaken -
smog vaporises revealing
black bejewelled {far-off sky}[skies].
Elements {relied upon,] [harnessed:] the wind turns wheel,
blades pump underground streams,
life augmented; colours coalesce and erupt. you could expand on how life is augmented. While I really like - colours coalesce and erupt, I'm not sure how it links into using the elements.
Too swiftly, our tumble weed is snared;
compelling us to journey Is it the tumble weed that makes you return or is it time? How does the tumble weed hint at time passing? Should tumble weed be two words or one?
back to {our} hurried urban days.
Hello PPan,
A pleasure to be reading your work again. i have not combed over your thread, so if i am redundant, then i apologise. Before i forget, could you give me a pronunciation of the word "mielies", so i can get a complete sense of rhythm of the opening lines?
Oh, i absolutely love the photo; the entire composition was stuning: dark clouds, just off-center windmill, curving road to the left (alluding to the past, imo)---partially framed by the car window.
i love where you take me with this poem and to be quite honest, i feel this poem needs is a little paring, and conversely a little less minimialsim, to move the poem along to the daydream's conclusion. A tone closer to conversation would add to the subject of reverie, imho, as a person recalling it to another...like this poem. :)
With Windmills & Tumble Weeds
Hypnotised by rows of mielieswhich draw us to remote places ---don't tell me it's remote, just trust the images to show me.forcing our minds to glide over sunflower heads, ---(comma)
while not a farmer is seen near bush covered hillocks.
An abandoned tractor, the only greenery, ---a sent. frag. here; so consider a comma
tumble weeds bring a scarlet
flush to the broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires -- hint of man -- ---the semi-colon creates a sent. frag. of the rest that follows it.
linking the isolated, with distant places.City opulence forsaken -
Smog vaporises revealing a black bejewelled far-off sky.---Unless i misunderstand this line, the sky is usually considered far-off. Try these lines as one line. Let it sit by itself, heavy and important; to illustrate as a counterpoint what is being left behind and what the N comes to in the very next stanza.Elements relied uponHere, the wind turns wheels, ---let "relied upon" be inferred for a stronger image.
blades pump underground streams,
life is less augmented; colours coalesce and erupt. ---this line is confusing to me. What do you mean by "augmented" it almost feels as if life is less augmented by the simpler designs of this place, compared to the city. Perhaps simplier would be simpler? /b]
Too swiftly, our tumble weed is snared, [b]---again, semi-colon turns the rest of the sentence into a frag.
compelling us to return
homejourney ---this may be just a matter of taste, but, again, let the inference be in the reader's mind, don't tell them, esp. at the end. Return home offers a duality in the ending. 1. the N( narrator) is returning back to the city at the end of this daydream, and 2. the N occasionally returns to it, when in waking life, her 'tumble weed' is stuck, she'll take a moment to remember this place. Just a thought.
back to our hurried urban days.
So, below are my suggestions put into action:
Hypnotised by rows of mielies,
our minds glide over sunflower heads,
while not a farmer is seen near bush covered hillocks.
An abandoned tractor, the only greenery,
tumble weeds bring a scarlet flush
to the broad, bleak roadside.
Telephone wires -- a hint of man --
link the isolated with the distant.
Smog vaporises revealing a black bejewelled sky.
Here, the wind turns wheels,
blades pump underground streams,
life is less augmented; colours coalesce and erupt.
Too swiftly, though, our tumble weed is snared,
compelling us to return home.
i hope this has been of help; i know that some of my thoughts may not match your style, but see what you think.
Either way, i like the poem and love the message. Good luck!
~tim/azurepoetry
Hi azure!
Nice to see you around again.
Mielies is pronounced meelee-s! Hope it sounds right!
I have to admit I was to work on this poem this weekend. It needs me to introspect a bit. I think and I will it is still 'work in progress' and ultimately will come out ok. I am not really happy with it at present and I have had very constructive input from you and from Nina and Snow.
Thank you so much for the detailed crit and I will take a look. (Just busy at work at the moment!) Snatching a few moments to catch you on line!!
Many thanks!!!!!
PP
Hi Bev,
I think much of what Tim suggested (such as in L2 of S1 works well) This brought me through an experience of travelling with the narrator, the images full and detailed helps to let the reader be able to close their eyes and envision riding down past such sights as 'sunflower heads' ... There were a few rough spots for me and I will leave comments in stanza. However, not too many rough spots and this was a wonderful, amost sleepy-like voice that felt sort of comforting (such as a bedtime story in poetry) ...
Hugs, Liz ...
(Click on it to enlarge)
G'day Bev,
I thought I'd drop in on ya.
With Windmills & Tumble Weeds 1st Edit thanks to Snow
Hypnotised by rows of mielies <<< Not so keen on 'hypnotised', for 'me' not very poetical, should be something more imagitive and abstract.
(which draw us to remote places
forcing our minds) <<< replace perhaps "minds drawn to remote places"
to glide over sunflower heads. <<< 'sunflower heads'
Not a farmer seen near bush covered hillocks. <<< ' bush covered hillocks'
An abandoned tractor, the only greenery. <<< A rusting tractor, Perhaps delete, 'the only greenery'
Tumble weeds bring a scarlet <<< good
flush to broad, bleak roadside. <<< good
Telephone wires - hint of man; <<< goood
linking the isolated, with distant places. <<< linking the isolation, with distant places.
City opulence forsaken - <<< good
smog vaporises revealing <<< for me this line a revision? re: 'smog vaporises' What dooo you mean?
black bejewelled far-off sky. <<< Black? is there a double meaning here?
Elements relied upon, the wind turns wheel, <<< delete ' Elements relied upon'. A beautiful start to this stanza, is the simple: 'The wind turns (the) wheel'
blades pump underground streams, <<< good
life augmented; colours coalesce and erupt. <<< good
Too swiftly, our tumble weed is snared; perhaps pluralise? 'Too swiftly, tumble weeds are snared;'
compelling us to journey
back to our hurried urban days.
Copyright 2007 © Beverleigh Gail Annegarn
Hey Bev,
I took my time with your poem.
N' I left ya with a few ideas.
Poetry comes from the inner YOU. I find as a poet, you must be honest with what you feel. Let the tears well up and let it all out.
Kind regards,
John
Hi John~
I agree - re the inner you and I dont think I have got there with this one. I have superb input from you all and will take a long look again.
Many thanks for your time! I will keep you posted!
Bev
Hello Snow, Tim, John, Liz, Nina & Daniel~
Many thanks for your thoughts and contributions. Here is a 2nd edit. Personally, I feel I need to be more emotional and introspect a more. I have shuffled around the stanzas and I think it may be more successful this way.
Let me know what you think.
Perhaps I could have a bit of repetition somewhere - nothing changes fast in these faraway places - just a thought.
Thank you for reading and giving me ideas.
PP
Hey PPan,
i am off to work so i have to skid-daddle, but i've been here a few times, since the revision and i'll try and return tonight, after work to offer my thoughts on the revision.
Cheers!
~tim
Hi Bev
Great last edit -- you'r definitely getting places with this.
These are my initial thoughts on your last edit ~
With Windmills & Tumble Weeds 3rd Edit, below 2nd Edit 2 variations
The abandoned tractor is the only greenery
in a vast sun-bleached field.
Rooted tumble weeds bring a scarlet
flush to drab roadside;
telephone wires are the only hint of man.
Wind blows across the plain.
perhaps describe the winds -- show instead of tell
Entranced by rows of mielies,
our wandering minds land
in fields of sunflower heads.
Now and then bush covered hillocks
vary the landscape.
Entranced by rows of mielies,
our minds wander, landing
in fields of sunflower heads.
[Now and then] bush covered hillocks
vary the landscape.
Vary -- sounds a bit bland
Winds propel the windmill,
silver blades pump
up underground streams,
life is nurtured; colours erupt.
Wind blows across the plain.
Our city opulence forsaken -
smog vaporises revealing
bejewelled sky.
Too rapidly, our tumble weed is snared;
compelling us
back to urban days.
Wind blows across the plain.
I agree with your comments that you need to show some of your emotions in this, instead of telling us about it. We want to feel how you are feeling. Good luck! I will be back.
Snow
Hi PPan,
Okay, i'm back. i have more questions than answers...er, i mean suggestions. i offer another couple of stanzas rewritten in timspeak. i apologize about that up front, i feel there needs to be more done to personalize this poem. One thing would be to make this poem a little more conversational in tone.
Hi Tim~
Been away - on another trip to the wild bush in the Lowveld near Kruger National Park. Thank you for all your thought and attention. I will take a close look and revise.
PP
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