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Posted by: JustDaniel Apr 15 13, 12:46

50 Seconds of Fame

Bang! Gary strides ahead.
Second turn, out 5 yards
Breaks for the inside,
gracefully leading the pack.

My countdown begins.
I pace nervously, dancing.

Straightaway. Jim crouches, ready
20, 10, GO! Reach back!
Uproar . . . 5 additional yards!
Switch hands, stretch, go!

Just 90 seconds now
Body-twists, deep breaths

Frank to the line
Watch the mark, 4 steps
Don’t look!
Applause, yelling . . . 6 more yards!

Sweat pants off, shirt to Gary
Breathe, stretch, relax
More dancing, hands shaking

All alone at the corner!
Ready, tension . . . he hits the mark!
Step, step, step, step, twist, grab, go.
Everyone standing . . . perfect pass.
20 yards becomes 25.
Hold on. Push . . . a rush
Fear, chills, flashes
Cheers . . . a tear?

Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch
Reach deep, stretch long.
Don’t look back!
Ignore the pain!
100 yards of corner, dig
Use momentum; accelerate.

Everything . . . no one . . . alone
sound suspended, slow motion.
Tape extended! Dig in, push, chest out . . .

Screaming! Yessss
Arms flailing, hands to my head
Coast to a staggering walk
Hugs, shouts, a victory lap together.
“3.6 seconds off Tacoma's City record!”

50 seconds of fame in 1963 . . .
now gone, yet vivid, forever.

© MLee Dickens'son


*revision: last line added ",yet vivid,"

Posted by: Maureen Apr 15 13, 20:44

The excitement in this piece is tangible, you can almost feel the muscle burn, taste the sweat, sense the anxiety and the hype of the crowd.

I presume (please excuse me if wrong) that it is a relay/baton race you are describing, but then I wondered if perhaps it was Gridiron as you make mention of corners, but then maybe that could be baseball as well. I'm not into sport apart from our local footy so please make allowances for my ignorance.

Anyway doesn't matter what the sport was it is the feeling of the event the poem expresses and I reckon you have captured that well.

Cheers

Maureen

Posted by: AMETHYST Apr 16 13, 10:59

Hi Daniel,

I also liked the active tone of this, I felt like I used to when I listen to the games on the radio. I still do not think anything can surpass that feeling one gets when following a baseball game over the radio... it rekindles our passion.

However, I wasn't so sure of what sport, I am more inclined to think of some sort of marathon or race and I felt this worked on many levels.

The ending, left me thinking ... 50 seconds of fame actually lasts a life time, and is never gone for the ones that accomplished it.

I've no nits or suggestions at this time. I absolutely enjoyed the fast pace in the read and didn't find any stumbles along the way to slow me down.

Blessings, Liz

Posted by: JustDaniel Apr 16 13, 11:10

Hey, Maureen and Liz...

Thank you both for your visits. Your reactions both are very heartening that I've evidently communicated the excitement and exhilaration of this event.

I see that I must rework something in the piece to make the specific EVENT more clear. I only hint at it here, in that there are obviously four persons (Gary, Jim, Frank and myself), thus some kind of a relay event (note the baton). The 50 seconds should point to a quarter-mile run at a high school level... and in this case it was the mile relay, with each person running a quarter mile... and I was the anchor man.

Again, I think I need to give a clue or two more to clarify this.

deLighting in both of your nudges, Daniel

P.S. Liz, you're right in a sense about the fact that the 50 seconds are not totally gone. In fact, some years ago, my then-brother-in-law reminded me that along with his trio, he broke our record two years later as the anchor man!! He'd not been on the team when I graduated.

Posted by: AMETHYST Apr 16 13, 11:21

Hey Daniel,

Actually, I never had experiences with the baton races, in high school, but I really don't think you need to change anything here to bring out the specific race. It works for any reader right now, it invites the reader to join in and envision themselves in the poem, to allow the reader to also feel in the success -

It is that many different sport like events can be used to obtain this and it isn't intrusive - However, as Maureen first mentioned, that baton/race came through for her - because she is perhaps more aware of that -

This works Daniel, it works well.

Big hugs, Liz

Posted by: Psyche Apr 23 13, 16:29

Hi Daniel,

I'm so glad I clicked on your poem! I was intrigued by the title, of course, so here I am...and yes, it brings back memories of myself participating in relay races in high-shool

I don't think we said 'baton', in Spanish one calls it 'posta' and I honestly don't recall whether we competed in English or Spanish...LOL... Perhaps Eira would know the British name, but never mind that

The fact is that you've invited the reader in to enjoy the exhilaration of these races, bringing back faraway memories to us older ones, but it must work for everybody, I'm sure

The above is only one example of what I like about FV. The use of repetition, words that partially rhyme

QUOTE

Reach deep

, etc. And the free use of exclamation marks...LOL...I'm often told off on that issue.

I see that you think you should clarify the actual EVENT. Perhaps you'd feel better doing that, for your own sake, which is quite valid. All the same, it's cool when readers can connect to several events of similar characteristics, IHMO.

QUOTE

Everything . . . no one . . . alone
sound suspended, slow motion.
Tape extended! Dig in, push, chest out . . .

Above, I take it that the runner (you) feels that the finishing tape appears to be extended further away? Great stanza

I'm so glad I dropped in here. I shall faint if I click reply and it doesn't work...LOL...I spent a long time the other day, thinking that my PC or my brain had some sort of virus

Peter has done a great job and is still watching, we must be grateful for his invaluable help. Lori, understandably, was terribly upset. Fancy chinese hackers breaking in here

Bye and cheers,
Syl***

Posted by: Larry Apr 25 13, 08:34

Hi Daniel,

I don't usually comment on free verse but the title caught my attention because of the additional 35 seconds. or maybe that is 15 minutes of fame? Anyway, I had no trouble recognizing the mile relay and may I say, for a high school event, 27 seconds off the world record is not a bad time and would hold up in most schools as a record to this day. This of course is assuming that all four of you had completed your laps in that same 50 second.

As far as your poem, I loved it and could feel the anticipation, the effort and final joy you experienced from start to when you hit the tape at the finish line.

Thanks for sharing a wonderful memory of your childhood with us and one last thing... Records are made to be broken but the importance of setting one will never diminish in your mind.

Larry

Posted by: JustDaniel May 7 13, 10:46

QUOTE (AMETHYST @ Apr 16 13, 12:21 )

Posted by: JustDaniel May 7 13, 11:06

QUOTE (Psyche @ Apr 23 13, 17:29 )

Hi Daniel,

I'm so glad I clicked on your poem! I was intrigued by the title, of course, so here I am...and yes, it brings back memories of myself participating in relay races in high-shool

I'm doubly pleased that you dropped in as well, Syl!

I don't think we said 'baton', in Spanish one calls it 'posta' and I honestly don't recall whether we competed in English or Spanish...LOL... Perhaps Eira would know the British name, but never mind that

Is the word perhaps el bastón or el testigo ?

The fact is that you've invited the reader in to enjoy the exhilaration of these races, bringing back faraway memories to us older ones, but it must work for everybody, I'm sure [ Thanks, Syl! ]

Crunch, crunch, crunch, crunch
Reach deep, stretch long.
Don’t look back!
Ignore the pain!
100 yards of corner, dig
Use momentum; accelerate.

The above is only one example of what I like about FV. The use of repetition, words that partially rhyme

Reach deep, etc. [ I'm still a novice with FV, so your feedback about this is encouraging! ]

And the free use of exclamation marks...LOL...I'm often told off on that issue. [ I suppose I get carried away myself !!!!! ]

I see that you think you should clarify the actual EVENT. Perhaps you'd feel better doing that, for your own sake, which is quite valid. All the same, it's cool when readers can connect to several events of similar characteristics, IHMO. [ I appreciate your point on this. ]

Everything . . . no one . . . alone
sound suspended, slow motion.
Tape extended! Dig in, push, chest out . . .

Above, I take it that the runner (you) feels that the finishing tape appears to be extended further away? Great stanza [ Thanks for that interpretation. Very interesting. The person who 'extends the tape' is the winner, since his chest hit it first. In this case, we were more than 30 yards ahead at the end, so the winner was rather obvious! ]

I'm so glad I dropped in here. I shall faint if I click reply and it doesn't work...LOL...I spent a long time the other day, thinking that my PC or my brain had some sort of virus [ Believe me, you were not alone in that experience. Apart from comments on others', I lost an entire poem of my own creation for which I had not back-up copy! ]

Peter has done a great job and is still watching, [ ... and I hope that ALL of us are appreciative of this; I certainly am! Thanks, Peter! ] we must be grateful for his invaluable help. Lori, understandably, was terribly upset. Fancy chinese hackers breaking in here [ ... and Lori acted immediately once she knew what was going on. We're all grateful... and many here didn't even realize that there had been a problem! ]

Bye and cheers, Syl***

Posted by: JustDaniel May 7 13, 11:13

QUOTE (Larry @ Apr 25 13, 09:34 )

Posted by: JustDaniel Feb 7 17, 16:03

Hey, Larry...

You never answered my question!

prodding sLightly, Daniel

Posted by: Larry Feb 8 17, 23:21

Hi Daniel,

Wow, a blast from the past. Like I said on my first post, I hardly ever critique in the Free Verse Forum so I didn't check back to see your edit. Apologies!

It isn't much of a change but it reiterates the strength of the memory. Most memories from childhood just slip away but a few have such an impact on those who experience it that it is etched in a very special place in the brain. It is easy to access and relive those moments. Glad that this one stayed with you this long.

Larry