Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

IPB
 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Critiquer of the Month - JULY Noms, Respond by October 30th!
Cleo_Serapis
post Oct 19 06, 05:23
Post #1


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



vic.gif Calling all writers of the Mosaic! Viking.gif

The time has come to nominate a member who you feel best demonstrated the CRITIQUE in JULY. writersblock.gif

sings.gif hsdance.gif MusicBand.gif dance.gif claps.gif

Nominate a member here by replying to this tile.

The award:
*Laurel Wreath

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs


The details:
  • Choose at least TWO posts critiqued by the member you'd like to nominate from the month of JULY. *You can do this by utilizing our 'sort by topic started' OR last post date' and 'descending sort' functions located at the bottom of each forum's page display and then look to make sure the critiques were posted in July as well. detective.gif
  • Post the two examples in this thread.
  • Post only the CRITIQUES.
  • Make sure your examples are from the month of JULY.
  • State the tile's name, author and forum the critique was replied to.
  • Eligible forums:
    Herme's Homilies and Seren's Synapse for poetry COM nominations
    Stonehenge and Loch Ness for Prose COM nominations
Nominations will be taken through October 30th, 2006.

Additional note: If more than one member is nominated for the COM award, this tile will serve as a balloting process. We will create a POLL and the members will vote the winner.


Good luck all! king.gif cheer.gif
Thank you for helping to build the Mosaic! lovie.gif dance.gif

~ Mosaic Musings Staff knight.gif Pharoah.gif cali.gif troy.gif vic.gif Viking.gif tut.gif knight.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Guest_Cathy_*
post Oct 20 06, 06:46
Post #2





Guest






I would like to nominate Merlin for July COM.

Psyche's 'The Sign' in Herme's...

Nice sign, Psy.

Your rhyme scheme is known as 'enveloped' rhyme, or other names. It's common enough, and if you were to add a couplet at the end, you'd have a nice sonnet.

I believe the last line is half a beat short, and could use something inserted before the white swan... ie - my/our/your/the/ or a blue swan, which would reestablish the IP.

L3 has the word "dreamt" repeated - unless that's necessary, a substitution for the second could describe the dream. I dimly dreamt of magic nights to come: There will be 100 or more better words to describe them.

You stopped me in my curly shoes with the word "instants" - should that be "instance(s)"?

Lovely.

Merlin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``
Cathy's 'Unstoppable Dreams' in Herme's...

Hi Cathy,

A nice quatern – I do like those things since they don’t make the repetition appear too overbearing.

Here’s my input for what it’s worth – as usual, take or leave.

The title – cut it off after Unstoppable Dreams, the rest kills it.

V1, the second clause isn’t agreeable to me. it seems, a chance unrav’ling darkest screams. Firstly, the apostrophe isn’t needed cuz I believe the normal way of pronouncing it is without the “e” anyway. Perhaps some will say, “rav-ell-ing,” but I’d chance it. I’m also not that crazy about chances unraveling darkest screams. I’d suggest a different color for the screams, like silent, soundless, or muted. The entire phrase is cockeyed for me – would suggest rewording to something like (but not this) it seems
a ghost has/d heard my muted screams.

V2L1, I like “toward” to replace “within”, but I know that the American way is to pronounce it as 1 syllable, unlike me who breaks it in 2 – “to-ward”. We’ll accept that. L3, I’d suggest, “enlivened” to replace “enlightening”.

V3 is actually a statement, not a question. “What lives inside are woven dreams
combined of good and bad regimes.” That should be “made up of,” as “combined” needs “with”. At sometime or more often, we all get caught for using fillers and rhyme driven words. After all, we write rhyme & meter, so it’s natural. I’ll call you on “that surely deems” and suggest an alternative –
What lives inside and smolders, breams (verb meaning to singe the bottom of)
my self-esteem to low extremes
into the night, are woven dreams
made up of good and bad regimes.

V4L1, “beseems” is a verb transitive, and cannot stand by itself.

This has been a joy to read and consider. I hope my suggestions don’t spoil it for you.

Merlin
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Cleo_Serapis
post Oct 23 06, 05:33
Post #3


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



I'll second that Nomination and be back with two examples...

cheer.gif


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Cleo_Serapis
post Nov 7 06, 06:32
Post #4


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



WOuld anyone else like to nominate Merlin ?


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
AMETHYST
post Nov 15 06, 19:16
Post #5


Ornate Oracle
******

Group: Gold Member
Posts: 3,822
Joined: 3-August 03
From: Florida
Member No.: 10
Real Name: Elizabeth
Writer of: Poetry
Referred By:Lori Kanter



I would like to nominate Merlin! wink.gif third, fourth ... wink.gif


·······IPB·······

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
Cleo_Serapis
post Nov 15 06, 19:44
Post #6


Mosaic Master
Group Icon

Group: Administrator
Posts: 18,892
Joined: 1-August 03
From: Massachusetts
Member No.: 2
Real Name: Lori Kanter
Writer of: Poetry & Prose
Referred By:Imhotep



Here are my two crit examples for Merlin in July: Wizard.gif

In Seren's Synapse, ohsteve's poem, "Fresh and Salty Water":
QUOTE
Hello Steve,

My strength is still the r & m sector, so my comments need to taken with that in mind.

I really like Lori's suggestion of breaking the "drips" into seperate lines, a freedom of FV over R & M. It creates an excellent visual at the same time as the audio effect.

I'm not a fan of sentence fragments, so for grammar, your sentence 2 & 3 could be incorporated into #1. That's open for debate; others will have other opinions, I'm sure. However, in your line a chipped blue and white ceramic pan., there ought to be a comma after "chipped", as it isn't the blue that's chipped - it's the ceramic pan. Therefore, I'll suggest a linebreak after chipped.

I don't know how you feel about tossing out 1 "rim" in favor of "encrusted", (The pan's rim is salt encrusted,). You begin 2 lines, fairly close to each other, with "The pan...", something to be aware of. Finally, small "m" to start the last line.

An interesting subject - I appreciate the read.

Merlin


The second (for the same tile) posted in Herme's Homilies), Psyche's poem, "The Sign":
QUOTE
Hi again, Psy,

This is the Wizard - a wee case of mistaken identity, but no harm cometh!

To your question, "What to do?" - the answer is simple - you're in charge so you do what you wish and damn the torpedos! You can't please everyone, so you gotta please yourself. (a quote from somewhere)

As to "instants", I caught your meaning but wasn't sure if it was just a typo or what you meant. Then again - the thought of "instant coffee" popped to mind, and other "instants". But I do like your use of it, this is poetry.

I'm curious now of the WBY poem you used to refer to. If you could post the first line, I'll find the title. There's Leda and the Swan, one of the most remarkable sonnets available; and he has Wild Swans at Coole. Remarkable stuff.

Merlin


·······IPB·······

"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind.

"I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter

Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!

"Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.

MM Award Winner
 
+Quote Post  Go to the top of the page
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

Reply to this topicStart new topic

 

RSS Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 28th March 2024 - 06:27




Read our FLYERS - click below



Reference links provided to aid in fine-tuning your writings. ENJOY!

more Quotes
more Art Quotes
Dictionary.com ~ Thesaurus.com

Search:
for
Type in a word below to find its rhymes, synonyms, and more:

Word: