Old Soldiers, undefined sonnet Options

[Merlin]

Old Soldiers

His eyes are closed. He’s rocking to and fro
at twilight time when winds decide to blow,
transporting him to cherished bygone days
while sunset clouds perform their closing show.

From deep within, a wartime polonaise
ignites the flares that set the scene ablaze,
replenishing his heart with hopeful pride
displaced since time imposed its dwindle phase.

He was a corporal, she his Venus bride,
a handsome couple, smart and dignified,
enjoying life until the canons’ roar
left him alone and sorely stupefied.

Beyond that feather wind, there’s sound of war
but white-haired soldiers pray for “Nevermore.”


replaced lines >>
displaced by time’s gold relaxation phase.

She was delight, his loving blue-eyed bride,
and he, a soldier, smart and dignified,
enjoying life until the canons’ roar
left him alone and sorely stupefied.

[heartsong7]

I almost missed seeing this wonderful heart-warmer.
best lines:
From deep within, a wartime polonaise
ignites the flares that set the scene ablaze,

and the couplet.

this line is a little bit awkward:
displaced by time’s gold relaxation phase.

Interesting rhyme scheme.
A wiz sonnet?

Enjoyed!
Sue

[Eisa]

Hi Merlin

A very poignant piece that I very much enjoyed reading. You have painted the scene very well.
I have just a couple of thoughts~

displaced by time’s gold relaxation phase.

I felt a slight bump when saying gold

She was delight, his loving blue-eyed bride,

I keep wanting to say "She was a delight" here, but I'm not sure whether it's ok to use delight the way you have.

From deep within, a wartime polonaise
ignites the flares that set the scene ablaze,

I love the rhymes you have chosen here. Thoroughly enjoyed!

Snow

[Merlin]

Thank you Sue, Snow & 12 spiders.

I've used rubai style rhyme in sonnet format. That's not overly original, but not common. Several examples are available on the web, altho I deem them not the best. One is tetrameter, and sonnets should be pentameter.

A couple of lines, those noted, have been less than automatic all along. I believe I intentionally went with the bump finally, and the "delight" bride was a last minute change, and I should know better. I'll review those areas.

Your thoughts are appreciated. Do you enjoy poetry, spiders?

Merlin

[jgdittier]

Dear Merlin,
Some postings just force me to comment.
Those that do always do so because they impress me so that I rate them as equal to the best of my esteemed "bards of yore".
The innovative use of the interlocking rubiayat in a sonnet could not but capture my imagination, first for its ingenuity and then because my interest in form over message promotes my appreciation for it.
The first stanza perfectly sets the scene as tranquil while the old soldier pictures the ravages of war. The second suggest he feels some mixed thoughts about his service, both pride and
revulsion, if only implied.
If sonnets demand a 9th line change, here is the father of them all! I find no problem with
the lack of the "a" except, I suspect this piece is just too good and its poet too thorough to
approve of it. Perhaps something like "his own" for "she was"...
I try to avoid minor modifications, but in line 13, I'd use "that" for "a" as it seems to me to take the reader there and this is a piece that makes sharing the old soldier's thoughts the
thrust of the piece.
As to closing the piece with "Nevermore", for me that's mere genious as no one word could say it better and it establishes a fleeting thought of what is to me that ultimate sing-song
poem by Poe.
It is a shame indeed that such great poetry no longer is recognized as was that of the bards of yore in their day.
Cheers, ron jgd

[Peterpan]

Hello Merlin~

I am anti-war too and this is a poem came close to my heart.

Great stanza:
From deep within, a wartime polonaise
ignites the flares that set the scene ablaze,
replenishing his heart with hopeful pride
displaced by time’s gold relaxation phase.

Although it is old language eg. canons etc it has a modern message.

Well done.

Peterpan

[Merlin]

Thank you for adding comments, Ron & Peterpan.

A few tweaks up above, including your thought, Ron, for "that", which makes a stronger statement. I decided to alter the lines a little since doing 1-word fixes wasn't getting me anywhere.

The thought behind this is an old man's musing. The days of knowing who the enemy is, because he's dressed in a different uniform, that seems remote since good ole 9-11. It is no longer soldiers who train to go to war, rather anybody targeting anybody.

Maybe there should be a war to end all wars.

Your replies are appreciated, and I'm happy to see the spiders are alive and well.

Merlin

[Guest_Don_*]

Hi Merlin,

In your second line "...winds decide to blow," bothered me a tad. My first thought was more cliche as "...winds choose to blow." However, to maintain meter via syllable emphasis, "...winds elect to blow," seems appropos.

Always a pleasure to read you intense efforts.

Don

[Larry]

Hello Merlin,

This old Marine really enjoyed "Old Soldiers" and all its reminiscent underlying messages. I have been back to it three times and read it multiple times with each visit. You must be an old soldier to have this kind of insight.
I have only one suggestion. In L12, the alliteration of "sorely stupified" is nice but, to me, an inappropriate measure of emotional turmoil for the loss of one's wife through the senseless waste of life during war. That is the only place in your sonnet where I wanted to change the wording in my mind to "sadly mystified" or "wishing he had died". These endings still would not encompass the emotional depth of loss and sorrow the old soldier felt. Just a thought...take or toss.

Larry

p.s. I'm three of your spiders.

[Merlin]

Thank you Don & Larry,

I'll be looking at the suggestions to see what will work. Re the "stupefied" line, how that came about was when I began the tune-up mode, I injected a few phrases that weren't conducive to the soldier's life, more to the other forces. That created a separate, parallel one for an old sailor, and I made minor changes in the two to keep them somewhat apart. Can't say that it was the best choice here. Similar with the wind beginning to blow.

Like the sign in the washroom that reads, "The job is never finished until the paperwork is done," I'll keep things open.

I did do a brief stint in the military, but since I went into the Air Force while it was part of Canada's Tri-service experiment (failure) and I was really Navy minded, it was short.

I'll be somewhat out of sight for a while.

Merlin

[Cleo_Serapis]

Hi Eric,

What a great sonnet, seems that war is prevalent on alot of minds these days, sadly. Initially upon my first read, I questioned two things in your very poignant poem: twilight time and sunset clouds. The second word in each just seemed to me to be a bit of filler, but upon the second read, I definitely can see how sunset clouds look different at that time of day, but am still pondering if 'time' is not redundant to twilight (and is repeated again later in the poem)?

My WORD doc is saying to re-check the use of its here (and add the apostophe):
displaced since time imposed its dwindle phase.
BTW, MUCH better than the original line there, bravo!

Enjoyed the read!
~Cleo