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> A Burial
Guest_Ishmael_*
post Aug 26 09, 08:39
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They shift beneath the fringes of his attention – 
the witness things umbrella’d; the catatonic sky;
the traffic, bleary and hissing; a yawn – 
and study the soil.
		             Hands are pocketed to feel

for a crumpled ticket. Still in the ears,
and stares, of the customers black 
there loiters a certain summoning:
The Butcher’s Boy - 
                               “Number 26?”           his voice a cathedral of chalk.

The rain does what it can to fill the air,
and other holes that fathers seem to fit,
but never satisfy. The priest is done
and atop the muddy water
                                        a Lord, a Thou and a Loveth float.
 
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Thoth
post Aug 27 09, 15:59
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Hi Ishmael,
I was waiting for someone else to break the ice first because although it tries to speak to me, this one goes right over my head. It is too disjointed to follow, and while that may be a device to portray the state of mind of the subject, for me at least it does not work. Each time a thought gets going the direction changes and bucks me off.

Still that's just me, my simple mind needs things to be spelled out sometimes :)

Cheers,

Wally


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ace
post Aug 28 09, 17:24
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Ishmael:

I'm afraid I have to agree with Wally. One gets the sense of a good poem, but can never quite graso where you are going with it. You have some nice images and thoughts wish they were tied togther with more clarity. For what it's worth...only my opinion.

ace
 
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Psyche
post Aug 31 09, 00:38
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Ishmael, there's no doubt that your poems are interesting. They deftly draw the reader's attention with apparently disconnected ideas that suddenly stop short. Then off on another track, and again we're left wondering.

I'll have to re-read to guess where you're going, or not going.

I rather like your ending, without knowing what you mean.

S1, L2 surely should be 'they witness etc. "?

Perhaps your poetry is experimental? If so, I think it's highly promising, but....can you please help me regarding meaning, technique and so on?

Thanks for sharing,
Psyche


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JustDaniel
post Sep 5 09, 22:32
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I've been away a long time, Ishmael, so you've arrived in my absence, and I have no previous experience with your writing, so please forgive my jumping in with the others.

One suggestion that I have is that you include the TITLE within the body of your posting. It MAY help us to focus on your message more easily... rather than being buried in your disconnected images.

QUOTE (Ishmael @ Aug 26 09, 09:39 ) *
                                     Burial

They shift beneath the fringes of his attention – 
the[y?] witness things umbrella’d; the catatonic sky;
the traffic, bleary and hissing; a yawn – 
and study the soil.
		             Hands are pocketed to feel
                          Pocketed hands feel

for a crumpled ticket. Still in the ears,
and stares, of the customers['] black 
there loiters a certain summoning:
The Butcher’s Boy - 
                               “Number 26?”           his voice a cathedral of chalk.

The rain does what it can to fill the air (,)
and other holes that fathers seem to fit,
but never satisfy. The priest is done[,]
and atop the muddy water
                                        a Lord, a Thou and a Loveth float.
                                        a 'Lord', a 'Thou' and a 'Loveth' float.

sLightly in the dark, but trying to see, Daniel sun.gif


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