Exhumation, Wizard Award Winner Options

[Guest_Tao_*]

*Graphic provided by
Celtic Castle Designs

Exhumation

Revision 10/17/04 - thanks Cybele, for the "memory"
Revision 10/14/04 - thanks all, we work quickly here

I’m the hunter apocalyptic
of talents naturalistic.
Don’t you know my face
on the featureless wall you brace?

In hallowed halls dark and mystic
my voice has long shrilled animistic,
to stir the witch brew of your fears
beneath the scarce blanket of years.

The mind’s thorn you try to bury,
I lie with your essence encased
in the pool of spurned memory.
Don’t you recognize me?

Revision 10/12/04

I’m the hunter apocalyptic
of talents naturalistic.
Don’t you know my face
on the featureless wall you brace?

In hallow halls dark and mystic
my voice has long shrilled bombastic,
to stir the witch brew of your fears
beneath the scarce blanket of years.

The mind’s thorn you try to bury,
I lie with your essence encased
in the pool of spurned memories.
Don’t you recognize me?


Original

I’m the hunter apocalyptic
of talents naturalistic.
Don’t you know my face
on the featureless wall you brace?

In hallow halls dark and mystic
my voice has long shrilled bombastic
to stir the witch brew of your fears
beneath the scarce blanket of years.

The mind’s thorn you try to bury,
I lie with your essence encased
in the pool of spurred memories.
Don’t you recognize me?

[JLY]

David,
I find this very interesting. I have read it a few times, and find that perhaps it is lacking puncuation pauses in the following lines:

In hallow halls dark and mystic
my voice has long shrilled bombastic
to stir the witch brew of your fears

I have also been pondering your word spurred in the context you have given, it works, but there might be something more on target to pinpoint your thought.

JLY

[Ephiny]

Hi David  :wave:

This is marvellous..I've read it a couple of times also and keep finding new thoughts inside to ponder on..plenty of layers here, I think!

I hope I'm not too way off target but because of the title and wording, I'm reading into this, that there is a certain thought, memory or event that haunts the narrator, as these thoughts will, at least expected moments.  The language you use is full of mystery..I really love

to stir the witch brew of your fears
beneath the scarce blanket of years.  what a strong and really effective image this is.

The mind’s thorn you try to bury,  this line also is very striking..and poignant.

The title is excellent as well...this is definately one to read over and over  :cheer:

[Guest_Tao_*]

Good morning JLY,

That second stanza does sound like a run-on, doesn't it? I should give it a pause after the second line, and will, to give the reader a rest. Good point!

The last stanza is a little awkward. Guess I'm not too happy with both spurred and thorn present. I had put down spurred first and it probably made me think of thorn. I'll think about maybe a replacement.

Thank you for your valuable comments.

David :)

[Guest_Tao_*]

Good morning Lassie,

I'm writing mysteries again, a rhyme this time?

You are spot on with the meaning behind this. It is a pain that wouldn't go away, one of those thorns of the mind, "a certain thought, memory or event," as you said. And this creature is speaking to its host.

Its mysterious nature stems from its longevity and elusiveness. It cannot be banished and has powers to bring its host to his knees. Every once in while, it comes out of its grave to torment its host again...

It's that time of the year!      

Thanks for your lovely comments. I can always count on those from County Mayo. :)

David

[Guest_Zeus²_*]

David,
see it all comes back to haunt you, those devilish things you did when you
were a kid The Warlock exposed.
Actually a nice spooky story
     

Larry

[Siren]

David,

This is stunning. It is alive! I hadn't realized how much I missed reading you till now. :)

I only have one thought. In S 2 L2 the word "Bombastic" felt too loaded. to me it didn't flow smoothly with "mystic".

I wanted to point out a fav part but well then that would be rewriting the whole poem.

Daniah

[Cleo_Serapis]

Cool!

Hmm - yes that word Bombastic seems to throw the meter too far toward Vegas :wink:

Perhaps a substitute of sadistic or cystic may work?

Well done Tao!

Cleo :smiling:

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hi Larry,

Thanks for stopping by this one as well.

I know what you did end of summer!
They know what I did past summers!

It all started when I lost that  :turtle:

David

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hi Dani,

I miss your reading and miss reading your work too. How about another piece on Damascus since you were just there?

Bombastic kind of gnaws me too, maybe just too dominant a word, doesn't quite fit there. I’ll see if I can think of something else.

David

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hi Cleo,

I Dani's and your point. I like sadistic, goes very well with apocalyptic!

Wouldn’t want to meter Vegas now, oh no! And since I'm curfewed from casinos, I’ll roll the dice in my dreams and see if I can come up with anything better than "sadistic" before another revision. Thanks a bunch.

David - like that , very cool

[Guest_Jox_*]

Hi Tao,

I think most of the useful crit is already made. Nevertheless, not one to shut up when there is nowt to say...

I loved the shape of this poem. Both its aural shape and its visual one. Apropos the latter - looks like a coffin, maybe (so the title goes well) or, perhaps, a cauldron from which all our deepest fears and hates boil-up. Either way (or both ways!) great stuff.

Bombastic - a favourite word of my Father. Now I wonder why? I liked both it and some alternatives but it is indeed very heavy - depends on what you wish to say; decide that and I think you have the appropriate word.

"In the pool of spurned memories." - superb line. Wish I'd written it. Wish I could!

Thanks for this, David.

Hey! My Father's name was David... now how does that tie into bombastic? I think we should be told!

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hello Jox,

Very nice to meet you, don't think I've had the pleasure until now.

Shape of a coffin!  I'm afraid I cannot take credit for that. It simply was exhumed as such without my knowing, purely an accident of digging!

That is interesting that your father liked bombastic. Maybe every David does?

You're too modest - one does not become Laureate Legionnaire without talent. That fact you cannot bury! :pharoah2

Thank you for the input. That's one vote for bombastic as is...I like the sound of that word, heavy as you said for this occasion.

David :)

[JustDaniel]

Well, you know me, the man of little words, so, since everyone here has dug up voices to join in your chorus and noted the features of your sarcophagus-shaped poem, I only offer these meagre suggestions:

I’m the hunter apocalyptic
of talents naturalistic.
Don’t you know my face
on the featureless wall you brace?

In hallowed halls dark and mystic
my voice has long shrilled animistic,
to stir the witch's brew of your fears
beneath the scant blanket of years.

The mind-thorn you try to bury,
I lie with your essence encased
in the pool of spurned memories.
Don’t you recognize me?

bLightingly, Daniel  :sun:

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hi Daniel,

As I've already stated, the sarcophagus shape was strictly unintentional, but it is that time of year.  :pumpkin:  Meanwhile, everyone does seem to focus in on the midsection (body) of the piece, the second stanza.

In hallowed halls dark and mystic – thank you, I will make the change
my voice has long shrilled animistic, - stuck on that one word, still deciding.
to stir the witch's brew of your fears – didn’t want to add another syll here
beneath the scant blanket of years. – kind of like the sound of scarce, different meaning too

Thank you for your suggestions. From where I sit, I think you're a man of big, not little words.  ;)

David

[Guest__*]

Dear David,

Still coffin' up those memories, hhuh ?

On the great bombastic debate, I also have 2 c s worth :

In hallow halls dark and mystic
my voice has long shrilled so simplistic,
to stir the witch brew of your fears
beneath the scarce blanket of years.

I know this puts a slightly different twist on it, but simplistic would indicate
a constant keening, one-note wail, on and on, harping on one thing.

Over to yew (or is it cheap pine ?) !

Love
Alan

[Guest_Tao_*]

Good Morning Sir Jaws,

Welcome to the wake! Pine, definitely pine, it's not as if I would've lasted longer underground than even soft wood when the time comes. But then again, perhaps I shan't need a box at all. We come from the ocean - return to the ocean as powdered fish food!

I see exactly what you mean by "simplistic," the ever-present, repeated cry. I like it, it's "simple" yet sublime. That does, however, complicate my task further. There are so many choices now. Should we hold an election to fill this position?

David

[JustDaniel]

Well sometimes your friends necessitate enimas; just barium!  They'll glow in the dark!

Lightly, Daniel  :sun:

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hi Daniel,

Bury what, the suggestions or the friends? In either case, I'm sure they'll glow in the dark in their indomitable illustriousness!

Thanks again for your offerings!

David

[Guest_Tao_*]

Hi All,

Thank you, one and all, for your valuable suggestions. Used two of yours in latest revision, Daniel.

David