 The Snow Lady I (Edited again), Life and Death |
Mosaic Musings...interactive poetry reviews > Archives > Archives > ARCHIVES -> Poetry for Crit Prior to 2011  |
 Jan 16 07, 07:14
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#1
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 Creative Chieftain  Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox  |
The Snow Lady I She watched: as her features were chiselled by gloved fingers. Snowflakes whirled and flurried, softly landing on her stiff shoulders. Passers-by stopped to admire her. A boy tossed a snowball. Contented, she enjoys sunshine. Standing tall: she thaws feet first. When her skirt melted she leant sideways, resting her head lightly on snow. Copyright © 2007 Beverleigh Gail Annegarn The Snow Lady I She watched: as her features were chiselled by gloved fingers. Snowflakes whirled and flurried, softly landing on her stiff shoulders. Passers-by stop, to admire her. A boy tossed a snowball. Content, she enjoys sunshine. Standing tall: she thaws feet first. When her skirt melts she leans sideways, resting her head lightly on snow. Copyright © 2007 Beverleigh Gail Annegarn  The Snow Lady Part I She watched as her features were chiselled by gloved fingers. Snowflakes whirl and flurried, softly landing on her stiff shoulders. Passers by stopped to admire her. A boy tossed a snowball. She was content. She enjoyed sunshine. Standing tall she thawed feet first. When her skirt melted she leaned sideways, resting her head lightly on snow. Copyright © 2007 Beverleigh Gail Annegarn ·······  ······· |
  
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Jan 16 07, 07:53
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#2
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 3,822 Joined: 3-August 03 From: Florida Member No.: 10 Real Name: Elizabeth Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori Kanter |
Hi Bev, The idea of this is wonderful and enchanting. The Ice Lady, coming to life and the view of both winter and spring, from the heart of a lady made from ice. Hmmm, to think of the excellent directions something like this subject can take us. Boundless-- I've gone stanza through stanza, leaving suggestions to perhaps liven it up and/or change a few lines that felt weak to my ear. Other than that, all I have is praise and I anticipate the direction this takes!  Hugs ... Liz QUOTE The Snow Lady I
Perhaps, a title change to ... 'Ice Lady" She watched: as her features were chiselled by gloved fingers. I would suggest, bring up the gloved fingers, creating her to bring this to a start... example. She watched ... Gloved fingers, chisel her curved features Snowflakes whirl and flurried, softly landing on her stiff shoulders. As snowflakes whirled, then flurried soft on her stiffened shoulders. Passers by stopped to admire her. A boy tossed a snowball. Among passerby's stopped, admiring her, a young boy tossed snowballs -- She was content. She enjoyed sunshine. She was content to enjoy the sunshine Standing tall: she thawed feet first. When her skirt melted she leaned sideways, resting her head lightly on snow. Standing tall: she thaws, feet first, skirt melts away leaning sideways, resting her head lightly on snow. Copyright © 2007 Beverleigh Gail Annegarn ······· ·······Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here!
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Jan 16 07, 08:07
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#3
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 4,599 Joined: 4-August 03 From: Birmingham, England Member No.: 12 Real Name: Eira Needham Writer of: Poetry Referred By:Lori |
Hi Bev
This is lovely -- makes me think of the Snow Queen. We don't have much snow here in UK -- I've almost forgotten what it's like! A few ideas for you to mull over ~ QUOTE (Peterpan @ Jan 16 07, 12:14 ) [snapback]90052[/snapback] The Snow Lady I She watched as her features were chiselled by gloved fingers. She watched as gloved fingers chiselled her features. or not changing the original too much She watched her features being chiselled by gloved fingers. Snowflakes whirl and flurried, softly landing on her stiff shoulders. Snowflakes whirled, flurrying, landing softly on her stiff shoulders. Passers by stopped to admire her. A boy tossed a snowball. A boy tossed her a snowball. She was content. She enjoyed sunshine. She was content, enjoying sunshine. Standing tall she thawed feet first. When her skirt melted she leaned sideways, resting her head lightly on snow. she reclined sideways, Copyright © 2007 Beverleigh Gail Annegarn A lovely read -- I hope I have left some useful thoughts. Snow 
······· ·······Live one day at a time -it's simpler that way.
Laugh loud & often - it's medicinal. Write from the heart - it's therapeutic. Beauty comes from within - the outer is just skin! Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more details, click here! MM Award Winner   |
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Jan 16 07, 09:20
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#4
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Hello Amethyst and Snow~
Thank for the suggestions. I will ponder and edit and let you know when I post again. I really appreciate your thoughts and words! I actually have a Part II of The Snow Lady, that I am working on. I had them all in Part I originally and it was too long with a lot of thoughts and images. My daughter suggested I keep them for Part II.  so now I am not sure if I should have incorporated them all in the first showing! Anyway I will work further on Part I and let you know.With appreciation for your time and expertise.  PP ······· ······· |
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Jan 22 07, 10:49
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#5
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 Ornate Oracle Posts: 8,875 Joined: 27-August 04 From: Bariloche, Argentine Patagonia Member No.: 78 Real Name: Sylvia Evelyn Maclagan Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:David Ting |
Dear Bev!
This a highly original poem! I'd never have thought of writing a poem on a snowman, let alone a Snow Lady.... kudos to you, I wish I'd thought of this one. I believe it doesn't even snow where you live, does it?  Now , I'll see whether I can add any suggestions to the ones already made. Methinks not, but hang on a sec! QUOTE (Peterpan @ Jan 16 07, 14:14 ) [snapback]90052[/snapback] The Snow Lady Part I She watched as her features were chiselled by gloved fingers. Beautiful, Bev! Snowflakes whirl and flurried, whirled? softly landing on her stiff shoulders. Passers by stopped to admire her. A boy tossed a snowball. Nice touch, about the boy! She was content. How about lifting "content" and "sunshine", make just two lines? She enjoyed sunshine. Perhaps: She was content, enjoying sunshine. To avoid so many "she's"? Standing tall she thawed feet first. When her skirt melted she leaned sideways, resting her head lightly on snow. You know, I really like this bit about melting and leaning sideways. To me, it must have several hidden meanings; it's a metaphor for life & death, women's passivity, fate, all sorts of ideas! Maybe it could be "resting her head lightly on ice"? This is a delicate, wistful poem, Bev. Thanks for sharing it. Hugs, Syl *** Copyright © 2007 Beverleigh Gail Annegarn ······· ·······Mis temas favoritos
The Lord replied, my precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you. During your times of trial and suffering, when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you. "There is no life higher than the grasstops Or the hearts of sheep, and the wind Pours by like destiny, bending Everything in one direction." Sylvia Plath, Crossing the Water, Wuthering Heights. Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! MM Award Winner     |
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Jan 23 07, 02:12
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#6
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Thanks Syl!
Thanks for all your suggestions. I will take a look. Been a bit busy at present and need to do a revision! Many thanks for your kind words. (We have just been to Switzerland to see my son for three (delightful) weeks - hense the snow poem!) Bev ······· ······· |
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Jan 23 07, 18:50
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#7
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 Creative Chieftain Posts: 883 Joined: 2-January 06 From: Washington State USA Member No.: 145 Writer of: Poetry |
Hi Bev
I like the shape of this - like a snow woman. Below I have made my suggestions for tightening. I also wanted to see how it would work in the present tense. Use or lose Bev. Enjoyed the final image very much. Cyn The Snow Lady Part I Gloved
fingers chisel her features. Snowflakes whirl and flurry, softly landing on stiff shoulders. Passers-by stop, admire her. A boy tosses a snowball. Content, she enjoys sunshine. Standing tall she thaws, feet first. When her skirt melts she leans sideways, resting her head lightly on snow. ······· ······· |
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Jan 24 07, 02:15
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#8
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Thank you Cyn!
Thank you for the thoughts! I will take a look soon. Been a bit hectic at work and home recently. Not much time for my beloved poetry. PP ······· ······· |
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Jan 28 07, 16:54
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#9
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 Mosaic Master  Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Bev.
What a very unique poem (especially from your locale)! I've enjoyed this one - felt sad when she melted! Here are a few punctuation suggestions below for you to ponder. Cheers ~Cleo Snowflakes whirled and flurried, softly landing on her stiff shoulders. Passers by (I believe passersby is one word?) stopped to admire her. A boy tossed a snowball. Standing tall she thawed[,] feet first. When her skirt melted she leaned sideways, resting her head lightly on snow. ······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here!  "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Jan 29 07, 07:06
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#10
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Thank you!
Get back with changes - been a bit snowed under! hee hee Bev ······· ······· |
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Jan 30 07, 03:45
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#11
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Hello All
Thank you for your contributions to this poem. Take a look at the edit and tell me what you think. Thank you for your suggestions. PP ······· ······· |
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Jan 30 07, 13:14
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#12
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Hi Bev.
Excellent edit thus far!  I'm not certain of one thing in this poem, you switch from past tense to present and I'm not certain if that is 'gramatically correct' in S2?She watched [watches]: <<< don't need this colon here as her features were [are] chiselled by gloved fingers. Snowflakes whirled and flurried, << softly landing on her stiff shoulders. Passers-by stop, <<<< no comma needed to admire her. A boy tossed a snowball. << Content, she enjoys sunshine. Here, I was thinking about the word 'sunshine' and thought of this alternative idea: what if you made it: sun's caress? Content, she enjoys Sun's caress. Standing tall: she thaws [-] feet first. When her skirt melts she leans sideways, resting her head lightly on snow. Enjoyed this one again Bev. ~Cleo
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Jan 31 07, 04:09
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#13
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Hi Lori
I will check. I often have a problem with tenses! Thank you for taking a look. PP ······· ······· |
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Feb 19 07, 09:22
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#14
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
Hello Reader
I have posted a further edit. Many thanks for the assistance. PP ······· ······· |
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Feb 19 07, 11:57
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#15
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Mosaic Master Posts: 18,892 Joined: 1-August 03 From: Massachusetts Member No.: 2 Real Name: Lori Kanter Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Imhotep |
Well done with your revision Bev!
 I've only one more question: Do you need that comma below? Passers-by stopped, to admire her. It is nearly 24 below zero Farenheit today. A Shock to the system as 2 days ago it was 70 in Las Vegas.... YIKES! Did you catch the news about that town who broke a record with making the most snow angels? Cheers Bev ~Cleo 
······· ·······"It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step into the Road, and if you don't keep your feet, there is no knowing where you might be swept off to." ~ J.R.R Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings
Collaboration feeds innovation. In the spirit of workshopping, please revisit those threads you've critiqued to see if the author has incorporated your ideas, or requests further feedback from you. In addition, reciprocate with those who've responded to you in kind. "I believe it is the act of remembrance, long after our bones have turned to dust, to be the true essence of an afterlife." ~ Lorraine M. Kanter Nominate a poem for the InterBoard Poetry Competition by taking into careful consideration those poems you feel would best represent Mosaic Musings. For details, click into the IBPC nomination forum. Did that poem just captivate you? Nominate it for the Faery award today! If perfection of form allured your muse, propose the Crown Jewels award. For more information, click here! "Worry looks around, Sorry looks back, Faith looks up." ~ Early detection can save your life.MM Award Winner |
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Feb 20 07, 03:00
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#16
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Creative Chieftain Posts: 1,621 Joined: 18-August 05 From: Johannesburg, South Africa Member No.: 127 Real Name: Beverleigh Gail Annegarn Writer of: Poetry & Prose Referred By:Jox |
QUOTE (Cleo_Serapis @ Feb 19 07, 18:57 ) [snapback]91605[/snapback] Well done with your revision Bev!
I've only one more question: Do you need that comma below? Passers-by stopped, to admire her. Hello Cleo~ I have taken it out. You are right! Stop is enough of a pause. It is nearly 24 below zero Farenheit today. A Shock to the system as 2 days ago it was 70 in Las Vegas.... YIKES! My gosh! How do you survive? Did you catch the news about that town who broke a record with making the most snow angels? No I did not see the news and I do watch CNN often. How lovely! Many thanks for stopping by! Peterpan Cheers Bev ~Cleo ······· ······· |
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